My heart hurts..

Found out this morning that yet another friend has lost a baby..

Why is this so unfair? Why do we have to hurt so much? How come some people have to go through so much.. only to find heartbreak at the end.

Between these types of things and then shootings of sweet innocent babies at schools I sometimes question my faith and God..

Life shouldn't be like this.. It would be so nice for the lives we dream of to become reality.

Deep sick feeling in my Gut

I don't know what it is.. but everytime I think about being in love again or being with someone long term again I get this sick feeling..

and it takes everything in me not to throw up at the thought of it..

I don't know what it is.. if I've been jaded.. or what.. but I don't like it.

I know a while back I said I was thankful to still believe in love after everything but as time goes on I feel myself losing that belief.. What is love? and is it really something I need in my life?

I'm not talking about the type of love from family.. but the love from another being.. a person that is suppose to be your match.. is it possible that not everyone has a match in life.. that some of us are meant to wander the world alone?

I was recently talking to a guy about this.. He likes me.. he wants to "date" and see where things go.. but I can't for some reason let my guard down to do so. I don't know if it's because I know in my heart that he is not "the one" and don't see the point in wasting time dating someone if I don't see it going somewhere or if it's because of this feeling.. that deep sick feeling..

I don't know if I'm meant to be with anyone.. I am quickly coming to the conclusion that I am meant to be here on earth to show the beauty of it to others.. All I care about recently is my photography.. all I think about is that dream job..

Sure I still see cute babies and my heart aches a little at the thought that I may never have one of my own.. but usually it subsides rather quickly.. I see couples "in love" and I yearn for that... until I see something that would make a gorgeous photo (usually about 2.5 seconds later).

How can I possibly think about being in love someday when just the thought of it makes me feel sick?

I just don't know anymore.. all I know if that it's going to take someone very special and amazing to change that... and I just don't think he's out there.

All Woe is me..

That's exactly what I did in my last post.. and it's unacceptable.

I am not that weak little girl I was so long ago.. Yeah weak moments happen but really?? Reading back over that I sound like such a whiner.. lol

My life is actually pretty good right now.. I admit I'm sad about the end of the semester.. I don't know what I am going to do without being able to go to the dark room (my true happy place) for 3ish weeks.. I may go crazy!  But all in all I am right where I want to be. Yeah the holidays get to me sometimes.. especially at night when I begin to think about a beautiful little almost two year old I should have running around getting into things.. my house isn't very christmasy this year.. just haven't had the time.. Can't help but think that I would make the time for her if she was here.. but what can I do.. I miss my baby.. but I try not to dwell on it.. Life goes on you know?

Speaking of which.. After the last post I talked to my therapist about it.. and I am doing better now alone than I would be with someone (duh!) I don't know if I'm ready to date.. and really don't have the time for it.. and honestly the only time I think about it is on those lonely nights at home.. when I just wish there was someone there to keep me from thinking. But I can do that myself!! I just need to keep busy.

C filed for divorce.. after my failed attempt.. and I am waiting to be served.. the day he filed I called to see if I could pick the papers up.. but aparently I can't... so I wait.. blah.. Hopefully by the end of Jan. Everything will be complete and I will officially be a free and single woman..

Oh speaking of free.. Everyone that has been reading my blog for a while knows that on mine and C's 1st year anniversary as a married couple we went and got each other's initials tattoo'd on our ring fingers.. (I know.. I know..) well as of 3ish weeks ago.. I no longer have a C on my finger.. but a beautiful feather that reminds me of how free I am.. and how free my heart is.. I'm in love with it.. my artist did a great job covering it up and I no longer have a reminder of regrets that stare at me everyday.

Here it is in all it's swollen glory the night I got it..

Alone..

Sometimes I feel so alone.. other times I enjoy the quietness..

Right now is one of those times where the quiet haunts me.. where I think about things.. and it gets to me..

I think about how my life was two years ago and it seems like an eternity ago.. but also seems like just yesterday..

I saw C today.. unfortunately.. he kinda crept up on me.. I wasn't expecting to run into him.. I didn't speak to him.. but just seeing him was enough to bring up emotions.. not of love or anything like that.. but emotions that I don't like.. I'm angry.. still so angry and I thought I had worked my way through them..

I wish I had someone that could tied over those feelings.. make them go away and I only have myself.. which truthfully is the best thing for me.. but right now it hurts to know I have no one to turn to to make me forget.. to remind me of the beautiful happy person I have become.. to remind me that those feelings don't belong in my world.. to remind me just to let them go.. sometimes I get so caught up in them that it eats me from the inside and I don't need to let myself do that.

I honestly don't know what I want.. I have guys that want to be with me.. but I can't commit myself to any of them.. I honestly don't think I believe in love at the moment and that I am better off alone.. I admit I'm scared of loving again.. I'm scared of getting hurt again..

I want to be with someone.. but then again I don't.. I only want it if it's that can't eat, can't sleep, kinda thing that you feel instantly and what if that doesn't exist?

So yeah even a year and a half out I still have feelings creep up on me.. and it really sucks..

Been Forever..

Wow.. I really hadn't thought it had been that long since I last wrote. But I guess time passes when you aren't looking.

I've been super busy lately.. life is wearing me down..

Between school and work I barely have time to do anything.. Especially my photography and it's beginning to make me depressed.. That's the only thing that makes me truly happy and I feel like I can express myself but I don't even have time for it anymore.

I decided to change my major.. I am not a Fine Arts Major with my specialty being photography and I feel like it is the right choice for me. I can't wait til the day that my work is something that I absolutely love to do.

I am still married.. for God knows how much longer.. ,maybe one day in my lifetime it will all be over.

No new guys.. talking to a few.. none make my heart beat faster though so yeah..

That's about it for right now. I will try to update more often.

At a Crossroads (Choosing between Two Dreams)

The past few weeks... since school started.. I've been thinking a lot about the dreams I have for my life.. the things I want out of it and often they feel so unachievable.. 

The biggest dream for my life at the moment is the travel.. to have my photography recognized.. to make something out of this second chance at life that I have. 

It's funny that this blog started off because of a dream.. a dream for a child.. and lately more and more I am a bit thankful that I didn't have a child with C... and then the guilt kicks in. Don't get me wrong.. I would love nothing more then to be bouncing Shiloh on my knee right now instead of writing this post, but in a way I am thankful that she is content and happy in the arms of God than here having to deal with two parents who don't talk, one a pathological liar and the other trying to move past the demons that haunt her due to the lies. I am so thankful she doesn't have to deal with that. I don't know if that makes me a good angel mommy or a bad angel mommy... 

Part of the reason I think it makes me a bad angel mommy is because part of it is selfish.. I wouldn't be able to figure out who I am.. I don't know if I would have made it this far had I another person to worry about other than myself.. part of it is I am glad that I am free to come and go as I please.. part of it is when I do start to try and date... I am glad I don't have to worry about a man being scared off by a child I had with another man. Of course if she was here and a guy had a problem she would always come first.. but selfishly I am somewhat glad that I can date guilt free. 

I love Shiloh with all my heart. She was the only good thing that C ever did in my eyes. And not a day will ever go by that I don't think of her and wish to hold her, to sing to her, but what is between me and C... no child should have to be stuck in the middle of that and in a way I feel that God saved her from that nightmare, somewhat a blessing in disguise... 

I am sure I will get some bad feedback on those words I just said... but it's how I feel.. And I don't sugar coat anything these days

Back to my dreams... I am trying to figure out how I can make my dream a reality.. I realize what it may cost me though and sometimes I wonder if I am ok with that.. If I pursue this dream I will be traveling quite a bit if it goes how I want it to. I will basically become a nomad of sorts and only be home for spurts of time.. for now that is fine, I am alone anyway, nothing to hold me down other than my dogs... but one day I do hope to be married again... I do still want children somewhere down the road.. but lets say I do make this dream happen... will I be willing to give up my dream job for a family... would I be willing to give up a family for my dream job? The answer is I don't know for either one of them.. I don't know if I can give up the dream of either of those for the other.. Right now the job seems like the logical answer to me because I will see the world. I will do what I've always wanted to do. I will make art and hopefully make a difference in some one's life... but I could meet Mr. Right tomorrow... and it can all change... I promised myself though when me and C split up that I wouldn't ever let another guy keep me from my dreams, I wouldn't give up something I wanted so desperately just to make a man happy and I don't plan to do that. 

I guess right now I am a crossroads... I guess because right now I can't envision life with a family.. I don't see myself in another long term relationship.. I don't see myself being able to have kids... I tried for almost 3 years with C and got pregnant once on a fluke it seems.. obviously he wasn't the problem since he has a baby now with another woman... obviously it was me.. and truthfully I am terrified of even trying again one day... can I take losing another baby? Can I take the years of heartbreak again? Can I take another man leaving if I can't get pregnant (because even though I doubt that is why C left, it is always a factor in my head)?

I don't know what my future holds... and frankly I don't know what way I want it to go at the moment...  All I know right now is that I am the happiest when I am behind a camera... I am the happiest when I discover new land to photograph... I am the happiest when I think about the places I could go... 

Coming out of the mist...

After last week's post I took some time to myself.. 

This weekend was quiet for the most part.. I spend a lot of time thinking about things and sorting things out and I feel so much better. I got back to working out this weekend and I finally feel better.

I have more hope for the future and ready to take on the world.. 2 months.. I can do this I have gone 14 months as of today... I can make it 2 more months... 

But in those two months I am going to start living as if I am divorced.. I'm not going to worry about it anymore.. After this friday when I refile I won't think about it again until my court date. Life is too short to worry about dumbass people who have tried their hardest to ruin your life.. and I'm not letting him do that to me anymore...

As a matter of fact I started this way of thinking this weekend.. I went out with one of my girls.. and as she put it.. I was "ballsy" haha I have never been told that. I talked to a lot of people this weekend.. men and women. I put my self out there where as I usually play the shy card. I told this dude he was hot and the way he danced was sexy. I talked to this guy I have thought was hot since he was in my history class 3 semesters ago but could never work up the courage to do so. I talked to a woman at the bar and invited her to hang out with me and my friend. I PUT MYSELF OUT THERE! and at the end of the night I left smiling.. 

I didn't care what people thought. I had actually only had about 3 beers so I wasn't drunk. I just set myself on having fun and that's what I did. I ended up being the only person out on the dance floor at one point and I didn't care. I had fun. 

This is who I want to be... this is who I have been trying to be for the past 14 months but still felt I couldn't be exactly who I am. Now I don't care anymore.. so what I don't have my last name back.. I'm still under his last name.. he doesn't own me (never did despite what he thought) or influence who I am 

anymore.. and I refuse to live as though he does anymore. 

It's not over...

Yesterday was my court date for my divorce... it was suppose to be the end to this chapter.. it was suppose to be the beginning of me again, completely me.. with no left over baggage... no last name that I obtained from him...

but it wasn't... I got to the courtroom only to be told I was missing a stupid bullshit piece of paper that said the same thing all other 5 pieces of paper had on it.

I got the paper and took it back up there... only to be told that my case had been dismissed and that I would have to re-file... another $265... I'm glad they think I'm made out of money... but really thats not even the big problem..

The big problem I have is that I have been waiting 14 months for this to be over... and now it's going to be at least another 2-2.5 months before I can even have that hope that it will be over..

His baby will be almost 6 months old... talk about a slap in the face considering that is pretty much why we split up according to him... because he wasn't ready for a child... yet come to find out his gf was already pregnant before we even split up...

I'm at the lowest point right now that I have been for a looooong looong time... this hurts even more than him leaving, this hurts even more than finding out he cheated on me, even more than finding out he had a baby with another woman.... I feel like I will never be able to fully get away and that this is going to be an ongoing thing...

I feel like I will never be free again...

Defeated...

This week is already taking it's toll on me..

The past week or so I have felt this slow decline of myself.. I know what it is.. I know how to fix it... well sort of..

I have too much on my plate right now and people just keep adding more..

School is... well school. Some days I love it, some days I hate it. Sometimes it's a struggle to keep up, but I have given up on school before and I refuse to now, so I put all my extra energy into it to keep up and stick with it.

Work... work is hell.. I work with people who refuse to do their jobs.. so the few hours I am there now a week not only do I have to catch up on my work but I have to do their work too and some days it's just too much. Like this morning for instance.. my mom calls me up as I'm on my way to class talking about my SIL isn't going to be there today and they are going to be short handed.. blah blah blah... my response... "What do you want me to do?"

I feel so much pressure from them.. pressure to stay in school, pressure to be at work and I'm torn.. like either way I'm letting them down and it's my childhood all over again..

I was doing so well living my life for myself... and now it's like I'm trapped back into this lifestyle of doing what makes other people happy... of making sure everything else and everyone else is taken care of before my own needs... and I really really don't want to go back to that..

I just don't know how to tell people that I come first without it starting a fight... or without me losing my job... or anything like that...

I have to have a job. I have a lot of bills to pay and I am barely making it as it is some months...

I just feel so defeated at the moment...

30 days

Today it has been 30 days since C has been served with divorce papers.. and he hasn't responded yet.. which makes for one happy K. That means I can go down to the courthouse and get a courtdate.. it means there is just one more step until I am a free woman. Today is a great day.

Good Cry

Had myself a good cry last night.. probably one that was overdue for some time now. I haven't really cried in months.. other than a few tears at therapy a couple weeks ago but I don't really count that as a good cry.

I am just so busy and so stressed out right now that I could feel it coming on from 1:00 pm yesterday and finally I let loose around 10ish last night.. of course it was while watching the last episode of King of Queens where they are about to get a divorce but then they get the call from the adoption agency.. cue tears.. my first reaction was I should not have watched this episode, fully knowing what it was about.. my second reaction... embrace the tears... embrace the mascara streaked look. Let it out, no one is watching.

I felt so much better after that. Like a weight had lifted off my shoulder. Thinking back to what I was crying about.. it had nothing to do with C or a guy or being alone.. it was about me feeling overworked and stressed.. but I still would rather be busy then sitting at home doing nothing.. I just had to let out fustration. I'm glad that it wasn't a emotional thing for me. Now I'm sitting here, perfectly fine, and taking on all my tasks. I can handle whatever comes my way.. and I know there are reasons that I can say that now... way back when I would have just given up.. dropped one of the classes and not worried about it. Now.. I know I can do it and I am determined to show everyone I can.

I have so much strength these days

Odd sort of feelings

It seems as since C left that I have wondered if I would ever find love again and I have constantly looked for it since then...

This weekend I went out to see a band play that I went to high school with most the members. It was fun, I ran into a lot of old friends and it was nice to see them and catch up.. I don't know when it happened but somewhere among all that the want to find someone ceased..

At this point I don't care anymore.. I don't know if it's because I saw married men out there hitting on single women, I don't know if it's because most the guys I met out there that I didn't already know seemed to only want one thing and kept putting their hands not only on me but on the 200 other women there or what.. but I don't want a man right now.. I don't want to deal with that bullshit.

I want to be happy but at this moment I don't think a man is going to bring me happiness.. especially if I have this mentality of that is how "most" men are.

I do get lonely and it sucks.. but I'd rather be lonely then be unhappy if that makes sense...

I just don't know if there is a man out there for me that I can completely believe that he will be faithful.. or that I can completely love... it sucks... but it's the truth for me at the moment and I don't know if that belief will ever change.. in a way I feel like I'm giving up which pisses me off because I'm not that type of girl.. but at the same time I feel like I am being a realist, why struggle and hurt for something that just doesn't seem to be in the cards for you..

So how are you doing these days??

I get that question a lot.. from tons of different people, people I haven't seen or talked to in years, people I see daily, people that I have maybe only spoken to once, my therapist once a week..

It's really a loaded question depending on the day and time it's asked.

Today for instance I am doing fine. I feel happiness. I have hope in the future.. that someday everything will be as I dream..

But also I know that can change in an instant. Let a song come on that makes me think of something, let someone say some one's name and an image will pop in my mind, let a smell waft up that brings up a bittersweet memory..

Talking to my therapist this past week I truly realize that everything that hurts is the grief over a broken dream.. it isn't over losing C. I can tell you a million times a day and it be the truth every time... I DO NOT MISS HIM.... AT ALL. I miss what I had at one point with him, back when I thought he was a different person, back when I saw all my dreams in a pretty little straight line, just working to each point. Now that line is curved and twisted and overlapping and pretty much completely scribbly (haha made up word). YET... I am happy and I am slowly ironing out that line as I go.

This is my story and it's not over yet.. something of which I have reminded myself a lot over the past 13 months. IT'S NOT OVER YET! This is just another beginning, just another chapter.

I am truly wild at heart and never even knew it. I think the reason I stayed with C so long, the reason I married him was because to me he was safe.. he kept me grounded.. and somewhat normal.. I'm learning that normal is boring.. so I'm a little eccentric... so I like to have fun.. that is what life is about.. Why do I have to conform to some one's definition of normal?

I can say that while I have been separated from C for 13 months now.. I still felt held down at times... since I have filed... I have blossomed.. I am no longer really shy, I will talk to anyone.. I have made friends already this semester... 3 weeks in!! I have taken 2 semesters of classes before this one since C left and I couldn't tell you the names of any of my classmates in those classes. I go out.. I don't stick myself at home and torture myself.. screw that, I'm having fun. I am truly the happiest Ive been since I can remember.

Wanderlust

Wanderlust has been described as a need, a want to travel, to see the world..

This is exactly how I feel.. no other word can describe it..

There is a hunger in me, a hungry to travel, a hungry to know my surroundings and discover new lands.

There is so much out there in the world and I feel as if I only know a portion of it. I know people who have been all over the world and I am so envious of them. I want to be one of those people, one of those people who have touched all the corners of the earth, one of those people who have experienced all cultures, who have felt foriegn lands slip through my fingers and under my feet.

I want to know what Germany is like, I want to ski the Alps.. I want to see a gazelle run across an african plain... I want to see a koala bear in a tree in Australia.. I want to experience the heat that can only come from Brazil.. I want to leave a part of myself in all 50 states of the US.. I want to travel up to Canada and experience real maple syrup.. 

I wonder if I will ever make it.. if I will ever be able to satisfy that hunger.. to see all that the world has to offer.. if I will ever truly be happy if I never make it that far.

I feel like for so long I have been trapped in my own little slice of the world... my itty bitty town.. in my itty bitty county... I feel like there is so much more out there and I am terrified that this is all there is for me.. 

Right now I am sitting in a motor home on my way to Florida.. to Disney World.. This is probably the 10th or 11th time I’ve been there my whole life and while it’s always fun.. it’s always the same route.. always the same stops along the way.. I am ready for something new.. I am ready to experience new things... and while I love my family.. I am ready to go out on my own and travel. 

I am considering doing a mission trip with my Church... the only problem is.. my school schedule and my work schedule. I feel like God is calling me to do this though.. to help his people and to also satisfy a need in myself. I am seriously going to look into it and see what I can do. I would love to do something like that and will definitely be looking into it. 

Sitting at the Coffee Shack

I can honestly say I have never just sat at a place to use their internet (although I did get a wrap and a smoothie and omg they were delicious).. I'm not usually one to just hang out and people watch.. this is a new experience for me but seeing as I don't have internet at home anymore (financial issues at the moment) this was the only option I had for my online classes.

I don't know why I have never done this before. I enjoy it. I live at the chance of meeting new people and let me tell you, the barista (o?) is a pretty cute dude. I could get use to this lol.

I have managed to get more work done in the past hour and a half than I would ever be able to at home and I have gotten a bit of social feeling in with it.

Anyway.. onward.. lol

So I filed for divorce 3 weeks ago and I don't know if C has gotten served yet or not.. last I heard (which was about a week ago) he hadn't and it's really beginning to piss me off.. because after he gets served he still have another 30 days to answer.. which means it could be another month or more before I get the final on my divorce. I am just so ready for this whole thing to be over..

I haven't talked to him.. haven't email, text or anything. I have no contact with him and I can honestly say I couldn't be happier about that.

I would say I haven't seen him, well I haven't on my own accord, but he drove by my house the other day and when he saw that I was leaving he turned around on his route just so he could ride by me again.. I often wonder if I will ever be able to officially get rid of him.. it seems that the further I try to get from him he somehow pops back in. But I have learned my lesson and just looked forward and didn't acknowledge him in any way as I'm sure he wanted me to. Kaity is no longer the weak girl that she had been. And if he knows what is good for him he would stay away.. I still have that urge just to punch him in his face and I will if the opportunity presents it's self.

So here I am starting my second week of school and seriously I love it. I have so much going on though it's not often I get a free chance to just do something for myself (as I am right now.. sipping on my smoothie.. blogging, and checking out hot dude behind the bar =P)  I have barely even checked Facebook since last Wednesday and I have maybe updated my status like 4 times since then which is strange, as most you know that I'm friends with on FB.

I can't say I really miss it at the moment. I actually wish some people would just leave me alone. There is this one guy that is an old friend from high school that has been on my ass about dating since me and C split up and I have made it clear numerous times that I am not interested at all in him. He doesn't get the subtle hints... or the not so vague "Dude I'm not interested in you like that!" comments either. He pissed me off today by talking about how I'm always ducking him and saying I have things to do when I am probably just as home not doing anything... yeah that's totally it..

Despite the 19 hrs a week I spend at school... and the 46 hours I am still trying to manage at work.. it's totally that I'd rather sit at home alone than talk to you.. totally.. actually it's cause I'm crazy super busy and I don't have time for anything other than Work and School and when I do I am usually asleep trying to catch up on the exhaustion that has already started with just the 4th day at school. Last night I went to bed at 8:30... Last time I went to bed at 8:30 I was probably 5. But by the time I finish all my duties for everything I have to do I am so tired and since I don't have a TV to fall asleep in front of at the moment (bundled with internet) than I literally just go to bed.
A little more than a week and I'll be on my way to FL! I can't freaking wait to see all the princesses and Mickey! lol I swear I'm really like 6 inside.. that is one of the main reasons that I will be an awesome kindergarten teacher :) Every girl in the family (there are a lot of us with the SILs and the Nieces... ) have been assigned a different princess.. I got Ariel!! Which excites me so much cause I already have red hair and she was always my absolute favorite.. I mean come on.. She lives as the beach and she is a freaking mermaid.. I remember praying God would turn me into a mermaid when I was little and every chance I got (read: everyday at the pool) I would pretend to be a mermaid and would only swim with my legs together in a fin fashion.. lol I have a Ariel shirt.. purple pants, and green toenails to wear to our dinner with the princesses.. yeah I'm going full garb Little Mermaid.. trust me there will be pictures lol.

Well I've rambled off enough for the time being.. I need to get home to let the dogs out and before it gets too dark as I have forgotten to leave my porch light on and every time I forget to do that I seem to get attacked by frogs... ick.. they freak me out...

First day of the semester

Yesterday was the first day of the semester and I loved it. I'm such a nerd when it comes to school and although last semester that I went I failed all my classes (due to attendance) I am determined to pass all my classes this semester with an A. Last semester I just wasn't dedicated. I didn't care.. it was during a time that I thought me and C might work things out.. when he was playing around with me but we all know how that went and I'm pissed that I let him manipulate me enough to think what I was doing for my education wasn't as important as him.

This semester will be different. I will not let anyone come between me and my education. If I do by chance meet someone they will have to understand my future comes first.

I have 19 credit hours this semester.. that is more than an average full time student.. add on work and I'm crazy lol. But I have to catch back up. I'm determined to be at ECU in 2 semesters. I will do this.

Last night's therapy...

Was a real eye-opener..

We actually didn't talk much about C expect for the fact that I had a dream about him the previous night that had left me in a funk and we deciphered what the dream meant..

In fact we focused on S.. She could tell that I really liked him.. which freaked me out a bit.. am I that transparent? We discussed how I could talk to him, to see how he feels about me. I haven't talked to him in a couple weeks. We discussed why that could be.. (Him giving me space, him being busy with his job because I'm sure it's busier in the summer for him, him possible being freaked out by the fact I'm getting a divorce that could stem from emotions from his own parents divorce..) obviously he wants me to keep in contact with him though since he sent me a text with his new phone number.. if he didn't want to talk to me why would he do that?

I think I'm going to give it a few more weeks.. to let the papers finalize, to let everything be officially done with me and C and then send S a text to the affect of  "Sooo.. my divorce was finalized today and I'm thinking about going out for a few drinks to celebrate... care to join me?"

Maybe that will get his attention that me and C are completely done.. that I have nothing to do with him anymore and that I am ready to move on.. the few weeks that we were "seeing" each other S seemed to be into me.. he acted like he liked being with me and that there was potential and all that changed when I told him about my divorce..

I guess we will see..

I just can't get him off my mind.. I know if it's meant to be it will be but still...

Hump Day Hotties

It's that day again.. it's hump day!

This week we will continue on with the Olympic hotties and since I am no longer posting these on TTCAL I figured I would not only post more than three but also give you some info (If I have it) for these hotties!

Nathan Ghar-jun Adrian is an American swimmer and three-time Olympic gold medalist who currently holds the American record in the 50 and 100-yard freestyle events. He is 23 years old. Weighs in at 225 and is 6'4" (Definitely my kind of man!!!)

James Magnussen is an Australian swimmer (Apparently I have a thing for swimmers..). He is the current 100-metre freestyle world champion. He is 21 years old (why are there no 21 year olds around here this hot!??!) weighs in at 198 and is 6'5".

Arthur Zanetti is a Brazilian artistic gymnast. Zanetti won the gold medal on Rings exercise at the 2012 Summer Olympics in London. He is 22 years old. 5'1 and 135lbs... I'd totally date this little guy.. look at him.. sure I'd tower over him but whatever! lol

Philip "Phil" Peter Dalhausser is an American professional beach volleyball player. He and his playing partner, Todd Rogers, are the 2007 AVP Tour champions and the reigning FIVB world champions. He is 32 years old. Weighs in at 200lbs and is 6'9'!! Makes me feel like a shorty! lol

Florent Manaudou is a French swimmer (again with the swimmers) who specializes in butterfly and freestyle events. He is the Olympic champion of the 50-meter freestyle at the 2012 London Olympics in London. He is 21 years old (almost a year exactly to the day younger than me) weighs 220lbs and is 6'6"

Jonathan Alan Horton is an American gymnast. He is the 2008 Olympic silver medalist on high bar, 2010 Worlds all-around bronze medalist and a two-time U.S. National All-Around Champion. He is a 17-time medalist at the U.S. National Championships. He is 26 years old and 5'2".

Adam Joseph van Koeverden is a Canadian sprint kayaker. He is 30 years old 6ft tall and 188lbs. He won silver in this year's Olympics!

Park Tae-hwan is a South Korean swimmer. He is a member of the South Korean national swimming team, based in Taereung, Seoul. He won a gold medal in the 400 meter freestyle and a silver in the 200 meter freestyle events at the 2008 Summer Olympics. He is 22 years old, 6ft tall and 168lbs

Thomas Whalan is an Australian water polo player. 32 years old. He looks amazing compared to most the 32 year olds I know!

Alison Conte Cerutti is a beach volleyball player from Vitória, Espírito Santo, Brazil. Along with Emanuel Rego he won the Swatch FIVB World Tour Prague in 2011. Age 25, 243 lbs. 6'8", tattoo this is my kinda ginja (he's got a little bit of red tint in that hair)! and I bet he has a very sexy accent... oh lala

Marcel Nguyen is a German gymnast. He competed at the 2012 Summer Olympics in the Men's artistic team all-around, floor and parallel bars. He is 24 years old and just so adorable!! It also helps that he is a German athlete.. come on I have to root for my ancestor's homeland sometimes!

Whoo there are so many hot men in the Olympics it's hard to just choose a few!! I think I'll stop here before my blood pressure rises even more ;)

Have a great and sexy hump day!!



Hump Day Hotties: Olympic Edition

The olympics are such a glorious time!!

Jacob Dalton: Gymnastics

Ryan Lochte: Swimming

Matt Anderson : Volleyball

Looking back a year ago

I'm just sitting here thinking about where I was a year ago... a year ago I didn't know that the next day would bring such a change to my life.. a year ago I didn't know that I would one day be the woman I am today.. I wouldn't know such strength.. such hope.. such peace for the future..

A year ago was a very sad angry night for me... it was the beginning of the end.. it was also the beginning of something new.. 

C left me on August 1st, 2011.. but July 31st was actually the start of it..

I remember that night clearly.. C said he needed to stay with his great grandma because he was worried about her, his grandparents were out of town and he wanted to check on her and decided to stay the night... This was after a weekend of him being away so I was upset.. I wanted him home.. I missed him.. I tried calling him and he wouldn't pick up the phone.. when he finally did he told me he was sorry for wasting the past 7 years of my life... my heart stopped... "What does that mean C?" He just said he was sorry and hung up.. 

I drove out to his grandparent's house and he wasn't there.. his great grandma and him had gone to dinner.. 

I remember driving home that night.. absolutely heartbroken.. not as heartbroken as I would be the next day when he came home to tell me he wanted out and packed his things.. but heartbroken none the less.. 

I thought for sure my life was over.. I thought for sure I'd never be happy again.. That night I stayed up all night trying to figure out ways to make him love me again.. to make things right. I blamed myself for so many things that night and looking back I was unfairly accusing myself for something I had no control over.. he had made his choice.. he had been the one that messed up and I am so thankful that today I am able to see that.

To say I came through this process unscathed is a ridiculous statement. I have scars.. many scars.. I have suffered from insomnia for the past year.. actually a little longer.. from when it all started to go downhill.. I have suffered from nightmares.. night terrors.. I still do at times.. my self esteem wavers.. some day I am the most confident person.. some days I am the hardest on myself.. 

My heart has been broken more times in the past 2 years than a heart should be broken in a life time... every shattered piece has managed to glue itself back together.. my heart is no longer a pretty little heart that knows no pain.. but a masterpiece of all the tiny broken pieces that make me who I am..

I have no doubt that with the strength this has all given me.. it has also shown my weaknesses.. I pray often that this does not influence my future relationships in a bad way but in good ways.. I pray that this experience smartens me up and I watch out for the guys out there like C.. I hope that it leads me to a man worth my love and commitment.. and I pray that it does not make me skeptical when that man does come into my life. I pray that the trust issues I have because of C dissolve themselves and I don't blame a man in the future because of them.. I pray this makes me a better person.. and I believe in a lot of ways it already has.

I still believe in love.. and I am so happy to be able to say that.. because for a while there I wondered if I would ever believe in love again.. 

I am still the hopeless romantic.. the one who wants life to be like a fairytale for the most part.. you find the perfect guy and live happily ever after.. I still believe it can happen. 

Truth is I already have a "Here comes the Bride" board on pinterest because I do plan on getting married again one day.. I look at vintage wedding dresses, rings, favors, decorations, etc.. because I believe it will happen for me again one day.. I have not lost my hope and that is a very important thing to me.

I want a family.. I want a loving husband.. I want a few babies.. I want that life and I have every hope that it will happen for me despite the things I have been through.. Despite C almost ruining that dream for me.. Despite him making it harder for me. 

I believe I will love again.. I believe that this will be just a blip in my past.. a closed chapter.. never to be re-opened.. I pray that one day the name "C" will have no meaning to me. It won't cause me to think of him, of the pain, of the hurt.. 

I'm focusing on my future.. and moving on from the past.. 

2 more days...

I can file on Wednesday and I am impatiently waiting for that day..

Everyday it seems there is new drama.. every day it's nothing lie coming out, everyday he is trying to contact me and I'm so ready to be done with the BS, the lies, and the drama that comes with C..

Today's drama.. apparently I have someone threatening to kill him for what he has done to me..

WTF???

He got a text from an anonymous person supposedly saying that.. Alrighty... one.. I don't even have you number stored in my phone anymore dumbass.. no one I talk to has your number other than YOUR family.. second.. I'm not that vengeful of a person... third.. as I have told his stepmom.. I wouldn't do anything to crush his "happiness" as he has accused me of recently.. I honestly hope him and his baby mama stay together for the sake of that child. I look down on both of them because they are both scum but every child deserves to have both parents in their life so I am hoping this little girl will have that.. so again.. why would I have someone threaten to kill him? I'm so ready to be done with this..

Truthfully I am convinced he sent it to himself or had his uncle send it to him so that he could throw it in my face and it look like I did something wrong..

As his step mother said... C and J (his uncle) feast on drama.. they are worse than girls are. (They have been trying to ruin her and C's dad's marriage for a while now and I am convinced that J is a big part on why C and I split up.. although I can graciously thank him for that now that I know what kind of man boy C is)

Who I'm not anymore..

At my therapy session last night we were discussing how far I believe I've come in the past year.. and even how far I've become since I started seeing her. After talking about who I'm becoming she asked me the question.... Who do you think you're NOT anymore?

I sat back and thought about it for a minute and the first few things that popped in my mind were:

Needy... I'm not the needy girl I was back then.. I no longer need the security blanket of having someone there.. I don't need anyone to nurture anymore like I thought I did.. I can nurture myself for the time being and when I do find someone one day I will still be nurturing but I won't be the push over that I was with C. C used that side of me against me a lot of the time.

Weak... if I've learned anything from this whole experience is that I am not as weak as I thought I was. I am such a strong person. I have been through so much and have come out as a better, more compassionate person as opposed to a bitter angry person.

A Pushover.. like I said before.. I'm no longer a pushover, I'm no longer the quiet girl who sits there and just lets people bash me without saying something. I know what fights to fight and when not to but I don't take any shit as I use to. I say what I feel and if you don't like it oh well.

So far that is my list.. I'm still working on it though.

Haven't been feeling great the past few days..

Lately I've been dealing with heartburn constantly..

Didn't think much of it, figured it's because I changed my diet up and I had been drinking a lot of Orange Juice.

When I went to my chiropractor/hollistic doctor he found that I have a hiatal hernia.. since then I have been in a lot of pain.. Constant heartburn and feeling naseous.. he told me that it wasn't bad yet but would get worse so I guess it has decided to get worse.. joy.. I'm trying to find things that relieve it to no avail.. guess it's time to get rid of what few foods I haven't given up yet that can be a trigger..

Also he found something wrong with my left ovary.. and said that may have been the cause of my IF and my loss.. He is currently treating me for that and I've been feeling some pressure by my ovary so hopefully the treatment is working.. who knows.. maybe when I do meet Mr. Right I'll be a fertile myrtle because of this treatment.. One can only hope right?

But between the two it is kicking my ass.. I feel like my body is in overdrive trying to push these toxins out and it is so tired and exhausted. He told me the first week or so while I get these medications in me I would feel this way.. hope it changes soon.

Hump Day Hotties!

I do believe Wednesdays are one of my favorite days :)

I still like him and can't stop thinking about him...

S that is...

I don't know what is wrong with me.. I thought I didn't like him that much and then suddenly he is all I think about.. what makes it worse... he hasn't talked to me in weeks.. so I don't know why I'm wasting my time but I can't help it.

"Dating" sucks...

I really miss being in a relationship, I miss the feelings of love.. the feelings of happiness that comes with being in a relationship.. somedays I fear it will never happen for me again.. Just having a down day I goes...

Just wish the guy I like, liked me back...

Motherhood

moth·er·hood (mr-hd) n.

1. The state of being a mother.

2. The qualities of a mother.

3. Mothers considered as a group.
 
That is how Webster defines the what Motherhood means..
 
Last night in therapy, my therapist suggested I figure out what motherhood means to me. She says it seems like a lot of my fears surround not having a family down the road.. not having a family now.. and losing the dream I had for a family from long ago..
 
I have always been the very nurturing type.. from as far back as I can remember.. even in Middle school I was lovingly dubbed Mother Moose by my best friends because I was the one who made sure they stayed out of trouble, I was the one who took care of them, the one in charge and made sure they had everything they needed. I was the responsible one.. It's in my blood to be a mother..
 
But what exactly does that mean. I am a mother.. to an angel.. which means I still have that need to nurture.. but I don't have a child to nurture..
 
We decided I need an outlet for the side of me.. to help me feel like I am doing something and that will probably help my fears of the future..
 
This is probably also why I decided to become a Kindergarten teacher cause I would be a "mother" figure to them for 8 hours out of the day.. I will be nurturing children.. probably also why I chose to lead a girl scout troop.
 
So I guess Motherhood should start meaning to me.. that even if I'm not a "mother" I am a positive female authoritative role in many girl's life. Especially my nieces.. I can have motherhood, without having the baby.
 
And while I still want a baby down the road when I do meet the right man, for now this will be enough. I still get to nurture.. I still get to grow minds. And I think that was the point that my therapist was making last night.
 
I have plenty things in front of me to help me try to fill that void until I do meet Mr.Right and have his babies. I need to stop worrying about the future and just live life as it is.

A gift to myself.. when I hit my goal weight..

All my life I have always wanted to be a model...

I don't know why... they were always gorgeous, seemed glamourous and men want them. Obviously they live a crazy life and most of them have drug problems.. didn't think about that when I was little.. but I digress.. lol

I still have that want in me.. to have a absolute beautiful picture taken of myself.. to look like pure perfection..

So I have decided that when I make my goal weight.. I will take some "model" pictures.. I will hire a photographer and a make up and hair artist and have atleast a few pictures of myself looking absolutely flawless.

Call me shallow.. but when you have been overweight your whole life.. sometimes it's the little things such as this that you want so badly.. to be "perfect" for once.. and since I'm putting in this hard work for it I want something that signifies how far I've come.

An Angel never Dies

One of the ladies shared this on the board today.. it was too beautiful not to include here.

Don't let them say I wasn't born

That something stopped my heart.

I felt each tender squeeze you gave

I've loved you from the start.

Although my body you can't hold

It doesn't mean I'm gone

The world wasn't worthy not of me

God chose that I move on.

I know the pain that drowns your soul,

What you are forced to face.

You have my word, I'll fill your arms,

Someday we will embrace.

You'll hear that it was meant to be

God doesn't make mistakes.

But that wont soften your worst blow,

Or make your heart not ache.

I'm watching over all you do,

Another child you will bear.

Believe me when I say to you

That I am always there.

There will come a time

I promise you

When you will hold my hand,

Stroke my face and kiss my lips

and you will understand

Although I've never breathed your air

Or gazed in to your eyes

that doesn't mean I never was

An angel never dies

Hump Day Hotties!!

I forgot to put it on here for a few weeks.. ::sad face::

MMMMM pure yummines!!



I am beautiful

I love saying that to myself and actually believing it.

It has been a long time since I have been able to look in the mirror and actually like what I see. I know I have written about it before but I can see the shape of the K that is inside coming out.. and not only am I beautiful on the outside..

I am so beautiful on the inside.. and strong.. stronger than I ever thought possible.. I stand here and look at myself in the mirror in amazement of the woman I am, the woman I am becoming, I am amazed at how far I've come from soulless and unhappy of a person that I was, that I left behind long ago and how sad she actually was..

I am so proud of myself.. just writing this brings tears to my eyes.. I never imagined I could be who I am today, and while I still have my bad days, things are definitely looking up for me..

I still have 120lbs that I would like to lose... if I feel this great about 40lbs gone.. I can't imagine how I will feel that day I see 135 on the scale.. I know there will be many tears... for all the battles I fought, for all the bad tears that came.. for all the pain that was worth it..

Through this all I have to say... losing weight, especially a significant amount of weight such as I am trying to do.. is so much like trying to overcome sadness, and loss, and a marriage that fell apart...

I have my fat days... I have my bad days... I have days I do really well with exercise and diet.. I have days I think nothing about the past...

Both of these things are helping me become the K I never even knew was there.. and I love her so very much.. and I would do anything for that K.. because that K deserves the world and to be happy and if no one else will give it to her.. I will.

Made some thoughts Private

Seems like this blog has gotten a lot of traffic lately. Which is great!!

But back when it use to be private I wrote about everything.. including some things I am not ok with the public knowing.. I don't want to go back private because if my story can help other people I'd love that. 

So most of the posts about C and I's journey  about becoming parents, about the emotions I felt after losing Shiloh, and about how I felt when C was constantly flip flopping back and forth about having kids have been converted so only I can see them. I'm sorry if that bothers you but I want to try to protect some of my most inner thoughts. 

Everything from the time C left is still on here and a few of the ones from back in the day that I felt comfortable sharing... I may share more from the past as time goes on but right now I had to make most private until I have time to go through them and pick out the ones I do feel comfortable sharing.

With Love, 

K

Highs and Lows

I talked to my therapist about everything that has been going on last night.

She sat there and listened to me.. told me she was amazed at my strength.. told me she could tell I was thinking clearly which was good. But she also told me that I will have highs and lows..

I told her I was so confused about my emotions that I didn't know whether I was happy, sad, or angry.. because at all times I feel a little bit of all of those.

She told me that was normal, and the fact that I could walk in there and say I was happy I was done with C, but sad that someone else got my dream (no matter how shitty of a deal she got with it... although she chose this) tells her that I am actually handling it pretty well, especially only 7 days out from knowing... she also said this shows just how far in the healing process I already was even if I didn't think so.

We talked about not only C's betrayal, but his GF's betrayal to me too because even though she wasn't like my best friend ever. We were friends.. she had stayed at my house numerous times with my XBIL and we had done things together..

We talked about maybe she thought it was a way to keep him.. that she planned this.. she gave him the one thing I had so much trouble giving him.. and we talked about compared to Shiloh.. from what I hear he isn't as connected to this baby.. I feel sorry for the baby.. Like any child who is curious about their parent's past, she is going to figure out one day that her daddy was still married to another woman when her mother had her.. She is going to feel unwanted.. and ultimately I believe her mom will be a single mom anyway..

C didn't want kids yet.. he wanted to wait 6 years.. that caused one of the biggest fights between us.. and ultimately that was one of the big reasons we broke up..

But anytime I had mentioned Shiloh to him he teared up.. told me how much he missed her.. went and got a tattoo for her.. told me he thinks about her daily.. and he even remembers her birthday and the day we lost her.. he was very connected to our child.. I really hope that now that he has another.. even if he isn't connected to her the way he was with Shiloh.. that he doesn't forget my baby and pretend she never happened..

I told my therapist last night that I sometimes felt it was partially my fault due to me losing Shiloh.. that if she had been here he wouldn't have run around, and that I KNOW that is inaccurate. She told me to just keep telling myself that, that he made his own choices.. That it had nothing to do with anything I did or didn't do. Just needed to hear that reassurance..


I had a lot of trouble sleeping last night.. I really don't know why.. I had a bad headache and tossed and turned for about 3 hrs before taking a sleeping pill.. even then I couldn't fall asleep until I went and laid on the couch.. It wasn't that I was dreaming about him (I have become very good at pushing him out of my head) but I was just restless.. I guess a lot of it was I wanted someone there to comfort me.. and I knew no one was.. I knew I had to do it myself. I'm use to it by now but every once in a while I do miss having someone..

I'm not trying to find anyone right now.. I've given that up.. just trying to work on myself.. to heal myself.. to know myself.. Through all this that is one of the things I can be thankful for.. it caused me to stop and think.. do I really want to try to find a relationship right now when I know I am going to have trust issues from the get go? I really need to work on those and I am.

I went out with friends after my therapy session and there was this cute guy that kept staring at me and smiling.. then I saw him flirting with the waitresses.. and I thought to myself.. there really are no decent guys out there is there.. That is the thinking that I have to fix.. obviously look out for those types of jerks.. but I can't put every guy into that category right away..

So here's to me.. to living the single life.. to embracing the highs and lows that are bound to come.. to figuring out who I am, to learning to love myself.. before I add a man into the mix.

So here is the thing...

I'm happy.. and I have no idea why..

Obvious a lot of things that have happened in the past week should not be making me happy.. I should be super pissed (I am but happiness over rides it most the time). I should be hurt (again happiness has been over riding it). I should be about to break down at every second..

But the past few days I have found myself genuinely smiling.. genuinely happy..

It's hard to explain.. It's like I've been freed.. before I found out everything it was a constant battle with myself.. wanting him back, not wanting him back.. trying to forget him, being unable to do so.. Now I don't have to fight with myself about if he wanted to come back would I let him because the answer is a big fat HELL NO.

Like I said to someone the other day.. I find comfort in the fact that I have so much in store for my life.. while he is stuck where he is right now.. He has burned a very very sturdy bridge and there is no going back.

I hope one day he wakes up and realizes just how much I loved him.. how unconditional it was.. and how he messed it up.. I'm not one fore revenge or anything like that but I really do one day it hurts him as much as it hurt me for a while.. to know I'm the one that got away.. to know that he had something so pure and perfect.. that what I felt for him was the true definition of love.. and that he royally effed it up.

I should have listened..

to everyone that said to move on from C for the past 11 months..

I agree whole heartedly with that and I can honestly say that I have been trying to..

Each small step is a victory to me..

I loved the boy from the time I was 13.. I thought we were going to spend the rest of our lives together and that is not something I could just drop and forget..

I held out hope that maybe it was all just a bad dream.. maybe a little bit too long..

But maybe it wasn't too long for me...

Grieving over a marriage is like grieving over anything else.. it take time... some people take more than others..

I hate feeling like I'm being judged that it took this long for me to say that's it, I'm done and cutting him out completely..

I don't tell anyone else how to grieve over anything..

I'm grieving my marriage... my dreams.. my hopes.. and most of all what I thought love was...

Feeling like this is all my fault..

Most women that have been cheated on will tell you that they somehow blame theirselves for their significant other's affair.. they wonder what they could have done different to keep them from straying.. what they did to cause them to stray..

That's what I'm feeling right now and I know it's complete and total bullshit..

C decided this.. he is the one who screwed up, he is the one that lied, he is the one that went behind my back and made this decision..

But yet I still feel like there is something I could have done to prevent this..

And that feeling sucks.. if only my heart would listen to my head when it says I didn't do anything wrong..

Something I should probably talk to my therapist about on Thursday...

Overwhelming Heartbreak,Hurt, and Anger

I found out about 3 hrs ago that C became a father today.. Oh but not from him.. he doesn't have the balls for that.. I found out from FB.. from his Step Mother's FB status..  

Yup he has lied to me for the past 9 months.. sometimes a bold face lie. I kept having dreams about his GF being pregnant and I straight out asked him a few times.. always denying it.. 2 months after he left she was pregnant.. so now I'm even more convinced they were involved before we separated. 

Not to mention he would come share my bed only to go home to his pregnant GF.. I'm sick.. disgusted.. heartbroken.. this is my worst dream come true.. some tramp gets the life I was meant to have..

Not to mention he named his new daughter a name that we had considered for the child we lost together... 

I'm in total shock.. and if he was here I would punch him square in his face.. I feel so betrayed but can't say I am surprised..

Not to mention that last night as he was rushing his GF to the hospital after her water broke.. he was texting me at the same time telling me he missed me and loved me and all he could think about was me in my panties and tank top (usual sleep wear)

But out of this..

I will be changing my phone number on Monday.. I will be telling his boss he is no longer welcomed on my family's shop property.. and I will be cutting off all contact with him.. After breaking down so many times about him this week I feel like this is the sign I was looking for. This is the final straw.... 3 more weeks until I can fi

Letting Go of the C that was..

After having a couple breakdowns this week.. I talked to a few friends about what I should do next in life.. One friend in particular gave me some tough love and told me that deep in my heart I hope things will work out with C..

The hardest part of hearing that is to realize she is right.. I do wish C and I could work it out... but looking deep inside myself I also realize that it is not the C that I know now that I want.. It's the C of the past.. that sweet boy I met out on a T-ball field at only 6.. that sweet boy with the squeaky voice that I first kissed on the 4 wheeler in the woods.. that sweet boy that told me he would always love me and would do anything to make me happy.. the boy that could make me laugh like no other, and make my heart flutter like it was full of butterflies.. The boy that grew into the man that I wanted to marry..

But he's not that man anymore.. now he is a manipulative person who knows exactly what buttons to push to make me believe that for a second he could be the boy I fell in love with again..

After talking to my therapist about it last night I feel so much better.. We discussed out C isn't that person anymore.. about how he probably will never be that person again and that even if he was, there has been enough hurt and untrust between us that I wouldn't be able to get past to be with him again, happily as I was before.

She told me it was ok to mourn the "loss" of the old C.. she told me that just because he is gone doesn't mean there isn't someone out there that could make me feel that way again (which I truthfully think that is a huge reason I haven't been able to let go.. worried no one could make me feel the way he use to be able to again). She gave me some strategies to help work on letting go and I'm going to put them into use.

Also told me that making myself a hermit (let's face it.. I do that way too much) is not good for me. It gives me too much time to think (like this week) and bring back all these old memories. She told me I needed to keep myself busy and that is what I'm going to do. I'm going to try to get myself out there and get to know more people. Get myself out there and experience new things.

Vacation

I'm on vacation this week and I'm having a difficult time with it. I have way too much time on my hands to think about things and mull over them in my brain.

I haven't talked to C since last Monday when he had his little temper tantrum, even though he did text me this Monday, I didn't answer I thought about everything my therapist had said about it being in my control and I controlled myself to not text him. I still can't stop thinking about it though.. but working on that

S.. I don't freaking know what is going on there.. he like tries to avoid me now it seems and it freaking sucks.. To top it off I think his mom is out of town because he has been by her house multiple times this week to check on it.. sucks knowing he is right next door and that he doesn't want to talk to me.  As I have said before.. I like him.. but I'm not devastated that he isn't talking to me.. it pisses me off truthfully.. he is 31 years old.. he should be more of a man then to do the whole duck and avoid shit.. he should tell me straight up that he isn't interested or whatever his reasoning is.. UGH! Men..

My therapist said something to me the other day that has been resonating with me since our talk.. she told me that I have to mourn my dreams.. and sometimes that is the worst part of it all.. But to me that feels like I'm giving up on them.. and I'm not sure if I want to do that.. I know what she means by that.. she means that I have to realize my little dream of life and family with C is never going to happen (I've realized that and I'm over it), I have to realize that things may not go my way.. that I may not find the man that I'm searching for.. that I may not have the life I dream of... and that is really hard because I want to be married again.. I want to love... I want kids... but what if it doesn't happen for me.. what if it's not in the cards for me. I feel like what she is trying to tell me is not actually giving up my dreams.. but realizing that it may not happen the way I want it to... or as quickly as I want it to...

I try to put it all in God's hands.. I'm trying so hard to do so.. I just sometimes get so lonely.. like this week.. I've spent time with my mom and dad mostly.. which there is nothing wrong with that.. but I feel like I'm going back into my hole that I was when C left.. I feel like I don't have anyone to rely on that I can go hang out with every once in a while to get out of the house.. I feel like I'm becoming a recluse again and I freaking hate that.. I just don't know how to go out by myself to the bar or whatever and meet someone.. I know one thing though... once I start back school I'm going to make a point of getting to know more people.. I'm going to make it a point to go work on essays at Barnes and Noble or Starbucks.. out there to possibly meet someone.. out there just to get out of the house and around people.. I'm going to be a normal college student.. I need to do this.. I have to do this.. I have to get myself out there.. stop being scared of the future, stop being scared of something wonderful happening..

Therapy

Last night was my first therapy appointment.. I decided Monday after a little tiff with C and the emotions I've been feeling since not hearing from S in over a week that I really needed to get myself straight and get myself mentally and emotionally healed.

I decided that I can't let C manipulate me anymore.. I have to completely let go and move on.. I knew I couldn't do that alone.

As far as S.. yeah I liked him.. a lot more than I thought I did or would.. but I still had a guard up.. while I feel sadness that it didn't go any futher with me and him it's not like I'm heartbroken.. I just don't want little things like that to start building up so I figured I needed to go ahead and get it taken care of.

I absolutely love my Therapist.. she is funny, truthful and really like an old friend even though I just met her..

We set up a plan to help me get started.. Right now I need to focus on why I am texting C back if he texts me.. if I'm doing cause I want to or because I feel like I need to. Hope this works.. I'll keep this thing updated about it as it goes.

Hopefully my next appointment will be Thursday of next week.

I'm so glad I've taken this next step in my recovery.