Looking back a year ago

I'm just sitting here thinking about where I was a year ago... a year ago I didn't know that the next day would bring such a change to my life.. a year ago I didn't know that I would one day be the woman I am today.. I wouldn't know such strength.. such hope.. such peace for the future..

A year ago was a very sad angry night for me... it was the beginning of the end.. it was also the beginning of something new.. 

C left me on August 1st, 2011.. but July 31st was actually the start of it..

I remember that night clearly.. C said he needed to stay with his great grandma because he was worried about her, his grandparents were out of town and he wanted to check on her and decided to stay the night... This was after a weekend of him being away so I was upset.. I wanted him home.. I missed him.. I tried calling him and he wouldn't pick up the phone.. when he finally did he told me he was sorry for wasting the past 7 years of my life... my heart stopped... "What does that mean C?" He just said he was sorry and hung up.. 

I drove out to his grandparent's house and he wasn't there.. his great grandma and him had gone to dinner.. 

I remember driving home that night.. absolutely heartbroken.. not as heartbroken as I would be the next day when he came home to tell me he wanted out and packed his things.. but heartbroken none the less.. 

I thought for sure my life was over.. I thought for sure I'd never be happy again.. That night I stayed up all night trying to figure out ways to make him love me again.. to make things right. I blamed myself for so many things that night and looking back I was unfairly accusing myself for something I had no control over.. he had made his choice.. he had been the one that messed up and I am so thankful that today I am able to see that.

To say I came through this process unscathed is a ridiculous statement. I have scars.. many scars.. I have suffered from insomnia for the past year.. actually a little longer.. from when it all started to go downhill.. I have suffered from nightmares.. night terrors.. I still do at times.. my self esteem wavers.. some day I am the most confident person.. some days I am the hardest on myself.. 

My heart has been broken more times in the past 2 years than a heart should be broken in a life time... every shattered piece has managed to glue itself back together.. my heart is no longer a pretty little heart that knows no pain.. but a masterpiece of all the tiny broken pieces that make me who I am..

I have no doubt that with the strength this has all given me.. it has also shown my weaknesses.. I pray often that this does not influence my future relationships in a bad way but in good ways.. I pray that this experience smartens me up and I watch out for the guys out there like C.. I hope that it leads me to a man worth my love and commitment.. and I pray that it does not make me skeptical when that man does come into my life. I pray that the trust issues I have because of C dissolve themselves and I don't blame a man in the future because of them.. I pray this makes me a better person.. and I believe in a lot of ways it already has.

I still believe in love.. and I am so happy to be able to say that.. because for a while there I wondered if I would ever believe in love again.. 

I am still the hopeless romantic.. the one who wants life to be like a fairytale for the most part.. you find the perfect guy and live happily ever after.. I still believe it can happen. 

Truth is I already have a "Here comes the Bride" board on pinterest because I do plan on getting married again one day.. I look at vintage wedding dresses, rings, favors, decorations, etc.. because I believe it will happen for me again one day.. I have not lost my hope and that is a very important thing to me.

I want a family.. I want a loving husband.. I want a few babies.. I want that life and I have every hope that it will happen for me despite the things I have been through.. Despite C almost ruining that dream for me.. Despite him making it harder for me. 

I believe I will love again.. I believe that this will be just a blip in my past.. a closed chapter.. never to be re-opened.. I pray that one day the name "C" will have no meaning to me. It won't cause me to think of him, of the pain, of the hurt.. 

I'm focusing on my future.. and moving on from the past.. 

2 more days...

I can file on Wednesday and I am impatiently waiting for that day..

Everyday it seems there is new drama.. every day it's nothing lie coming out, everyday he is trying to contact me and I'm so ready to be done with the BS, the lies, and the drama that comes with C..

Today's drama.. apparently I have someone threatening to kill him for what he has done to me..

WTF???

He got a text from an anonymous person supposedly saying that.. Alrighty... one.. I don't even have you number stored in my phone anymore dumbass.. no one I talk to has your number other than YOUR family.. second.. I'm not that vengeful of a person... third.. as I have told his stepmom.. I wouldn't do anything to crush his "happiness" as he has accused me of recently.. I honestly hope him and his baby mama stay together for the sake of that child. I look down on both of them because they are both scum but every child deserves to have both parents in their life so I am hoping this little girl will have that.. so again.. why would I have someone threaten to kill him? I'm so ready to be done with this..

Truthfully I am convinced he sent it to himself or had his uncle send it to him so that he could throw it in my face and it look like I did something wrong..

As his step mother said... C and J (his uncle) feast on drama.. they are worse than girls are. (They have been trying to ruin her and C's dad's marriage for a while now and I am convinced that J is a big part on why C and I split up.. although I can graciously thank him for that now that I know what kind of man boy C is)

Who I'm not anymore..

At my therapy session last night we were discussing how far I believe I've come in the past year.. and even how far I've become since I started seeing her. After talking about who I'm becoming she asked me the question.... Who do you think you're NOT anymore?

I sat back and thought about it for a minute and the first few things that popped in my mind were:

Needy... I'm not the needy girl I was back then.. I no longer need the security blanket of having someone there.. I don't need anyone to nurture anymore like I thought I did.. I can nurture myself for the time being and when I do find someone one day I will still be nurturing but I won't be the push over that I was with C. C used that side of me against me a lot of the time.

Weak... if I've learned anything from this whole experience is that I am not as weak as I thought I was. I am such a strong person. I have been through so much and have come out as a better, more compassionate person as opposed to a bitter angry person.

A Pushover.. like I said before.. I'm no longer a pushover, I'm no longer the quiet girl who sits there and just lets people bash me without saying something. I know what fights to fight and when not to but I don't take any shit as I use to. I say what I feel and if you don't like it oh well.

So far that is my list.. I'm still working on it though.

Haven't been feeling great the past few days..

Lately I've been dealing with heartburn constantly..

Didn't think much of it, figured it's because I changed my diet up and I had been drinking a lot of Orange Juice.

When I went to my chiropractor/hollistic doctor he found that I have a hiatal hernia.. since then I have been in a lot of pain.. Constant heartburn and feeling naseous.. he told me that it wasn't bad yet but would get worse so I guess it has decided to get worse.. joy.. I'm trying to find things that relieve it to no avail.. guess it's time to get rid of what few foods I haven't given up yet that can be a trigger..

Also he found something wrong with my left ovary.. and said that may have been the cause of my IF and my loss.. He is currently treating me for that and I've been feeling some pressure by my ovary so hopefully the treatment is working.. who knows.. maybe when I do meet Mr. Right I'll be a fertile myrtle because of this treatment.. One can only hope right?

But between the two it is kicking my ass.. I feel like my body is in overdrive trying to push these toxins out and it is so tired and exhausted. He told me the first week or so while I get these medications in me I would feel this way.. hope it changes soon.

Hump Day Hotties!

I do believe Wednesdays are one of my favorite days :)

I still like him and can't stop thinking about him...

S that is...

I don't know what is wrong with me.. I thought I didn't like him that much and then suddenly he is all I think about.. what makes it worse... he hasn't talked to me in weeks.. so I don't know why I'm wasting my time but I can't help it.

"Dating" sucks...

I really miss being in a relationship, I miss the feelings of love.. the feelings of happiness that comes with being in a relationship.. somedays I fear it will never happen for me again.. Just having a down day I goes...

Just wish the guy I like, liked me back...

Motherhood

moth·er·hood (mr-hd) n.

1. The state of being a mother.

2. The qualities of a mother.

3. Mothers considered as a group.
 
That is how Webster defines the what Motherhood means..
 
Last night in therapy, my therapist suggested I figure out what motherhood means to me. She says it seems like a lot of my fears surround not having a family down the road.. not having a family now.. and losing the dream I had for a family from long ago..
 
I have always been the very nurturing type.. from as far back as I can remember.. even in Middle school I was lovingly dubbed Mother Moose by my best friends because I was the one who made sure they stayed out of trouble, I was the one who took care of them, the one in charge and made sure they had everything they needed. I was the responsible one.. It's in my blood to be a mother..
 
But what exactly does that mean. I am a mother.. to an angel.. which means I still have that need to nurture.. but I don't have a child to nurture..
 
We decided I need an outlet for the side of me.. to help me feel like I am doing something and that will probably help my fears of the future..
 
This is probably also why I decided to become a Kindergarten teacher cause I would be a "mother" figure to them for 8 hours out of the day.. I will be nurturing children.. probably also why I chose to lead a girl scout troop.
 
So I guess Motherhood should start meaning to me.. that even if I'm not a "mother" I am a positive female authoritative role in many girl's life. Especially my nieces.. I can have motherhood, without having the baby.
 
And while I still want a baby down the road when I do meet the right man, for now this will be enough. I still get to nurture.. I still get to grow minds. And I think that was the point that my therapist was making last night.
 
I have plenty things in front of me to help me try to fill that void until I do meet Mr.Right and have his babies. I need to stop worrying about the future and just live life as it is.

A gift to myself.. when I hit my goal weight..

All my life I have always wanted to be a model...

I don't know why... they were always gorgeous, seemed glamourous and men want them. Obviously they live a crazy life and most of them have drug problems.. didn't think about that when I was little.. but I digress.. lol

I still have that want in me.. to have a absolute beautiful picture taken of myself.. to look like pure perfection..

So I have decided that when I make my goal weight.. I will take some "model" pictures.. I will hire a photographer and a make up and hair artist and have atleast a few pictures of myself looking absolutely flawless.

Call me shallow.. but when you have been overweight your whole life.. sometimes it's the little things such as this that you want so badly.. to be "perfect" for once.. and since I'm putting in this hard work for it I want something that signifies how far I've come.

An Angel never Dies

One of the ladies shared this on the board today.. it was too beautiful not to include here.

Don't let them say I wasn't born

That something stopped my heart.

I felt each tender squeeze you gave

I've loved you from the start.

Although my body you can't hold

It doesn't mean I'm gone

The world wasn't worthy not of me

God chose that I move on.

I know the pain that drowns your soul,

What you are forced to face.

You have my word, I'll fill your arms,

Someday we will embrace.

You'll hear that it was meant to be

God doesn't make mistakes.

But that wont soften your worst blow,

Or make your heart not ache.

I'm watching over all you do,

Another child you will bear.

Believe me when I say to you

That I am always there.

There will come a time

I promise you

When you will hold my hand,

Stroke my face and kiss my lips

and you will understand

Although I've never breathed your air

Or gazed in to your eyes

that doesn't mean I never was

An angel never dies

Hump Day Hotties!!

I forgot to put it on here for a few weeks.. ::sad face::

MMMMM pure yummines!!



I am beautiful

I love saying that to myself and actually believing it.

It has been a long time since I have been able to look in the mirror and actually like what I see. I know I have written about it before but I can see the shape of the K that is inside coming out.. and not only am I beautiful on the outside..

I am so beautiful on the inside.. and strong.. stronger than I ever thought possible.. I stand here and look at myself in the mirror in amazement of the woman I am, the woman I am becoming, I am amazed at how far I've come from soulless and unhappy of a person that I was, that I left behind long ago and how sad she actually was..

I am so proud of myself.. just writing this brings tears to my eyes.. I never imagined I could be who I am today, and while I still have my bad days, things are definitely looking up for me..

I still have 120lbs that I would like to lose... if I feel this great about 40lbs gone.. I can't imagine how I will feel that day I see 135 on the scale.. I know there will be many tears... for all the battles I fought, for all the bad tears that came.. for all the pain that was worth it..

Through this all I have to say... losing weight, especially a significant amount of weight such as I am trying to do.. is so much like trying to overcome sadness, and loss, and a marriage that fell apart...

I have my fat days... I have my bad days... I have days I do really well with exercise and diet.. I have days I think nothing about the past...

Both of these things are helping me become the K I never even knew was there.. and I love her so very much.. and I would do anything for that K.. because that K deserves the world and to be happy and if no one else will give it to her.. I will.

Made some thoughts Private

Seems like this blog has gotten a lot of traffic lately. Which is great!!

But back when it use to be private I wrote about everything.. including some things I am not ok with the public knowing.. I don't want to go back private because if my story can help other people I'd love that. 

So most of the posts about C and I's journey  about becoming parents, about the emotions I felt after losing Shiloh, and about how I felt when C was constantly flip flopping back and forth about having kids have been converted so only I can see them. I'm sorry if that bothers you but I want to try to protect some of my most inner thoughts. 

Everything from the time C left is still on here and a few of the ones from back in the day that I felt comfortable sharing... I may share more from the past as time goes on but right now I had to make most private until I have time to go through them and pick out the ones I do feel comfortable sharing.

With Love, 

K

Highs and Lows

I talked to my therapist about everything that has been going on last night.

She sat there and listened to me.. told me she was amazed at my strength.. told me she could tell I was thinking clearly which was good. But she also told me that I will have highs and lows..

I told her I was so confused about my emotions that I didn't know whether I was happy, sad, or angry.. because at all times I feel a little bit of all of those.

She told me that was normal, and the fact that I could walk in there and say I was happy I was done with C, but sad that someone else got my dream (no matter how shitty of a deal she got with it... although she chose this) tells her that I am actually handling it pretty well, especially only 7 days out from knowing... she also said this shows just how far in the healing process I already was even if I didn't think so.

We talked about not only C's betrayal, but his GF's betrayal to me too because even though she wasn't like my best friend ever. We were friends.. she had stayed at my house numerous times with my XBIL and we had done things together..

We talked about maybe she thought it was a way to keep him.. that she planned this.. she gave him the one thing I had so much trouble giving him.. and we talked about compared to Shiloh.. from what I hear he isn't as connected to this baby.. I feel sorry for the baby.. Like any child who is curious about their parent's past, she is going to figure out one day that her daddy was still married to another woman when her mother had her.. She is going to feel unwanted.. and ultimately I believe her mom will be a single mom anyway..

C didn't want kids yet.. he wanted to wait 6 years.. that caused one of the biggest fights between us.. and ultimately that was one of the big reasons we broke up..

But anytime I had mentioned Shiloh to him he teared up.. told me how much he missed her.. went and got a tattoo for her.. told me he thinks about her daily.. and he even remembers her birthday and the day we lost her.. he was very connected to our child.. I really hope that now that he has another.. even if he isn't connected to her the way he was with Shiloh.. that he doesn't forget my baby and pretend she never happened..

I told my therapist last night that I sometimes felt it was partially my fault due to me losing Shiloh.. that if she had been here he wouldn't have run around, and that I KNOW that is inaccurate. She told me to just keep telling myself that, that he made his own choices.. That it had nothing to do with anything I did or didn't do. Just needed to hear that reassurance..


I had a lot of trouble sleeping last night.. I really don't know why.. I had a bad headache and tossed and turned for about 3 hrs before taking a sleeping pill.. even then I couldn't fall asleep until I went and laid on the couch.. It wasn't that I was dreaming about him (I have become very good at pushing him out of my head) but I was just restless.. I guess a lot of it was I wanted someone there to comfort me.. and I knew no one was.. I knew I had to do it myself. I'm use to it by now but every once in a while I do miss having someone..

I'm not trying to find anyone right now.. I've given that up.. just trying to work on myself.. to heal myself.. to know myself.. Through all this that is one of the things I can be thankful for.. it caused me to stop and think.. do I really want to try to find a relationship right now when I know I am going to have trust issues from the get go? I really need to work on those and I am.

I went out with friends after my therapy session and there was this cute guy that kept staring at me and smiling.. then I saw him flirting with the waitresses.. and I thought to myself.. there really are no decent guys out there is there.. That is the thinking that I have to fix.. obviously look out for those types of jerks.. but I can't put every guy into that category right away..

So here's to me.. to living the single life.. to embracing the highs and lows that are bound to come.. to figuring out who I am, to learning to love myself.. before I add a man into the mix.

So here is the thing...

I'm happy.. and I have no idea why..

Obvious a lot of things that have happened in the past week should not be making me happy.. I should be super pissed (I am but happiness over rides it most the time). I should be hurt (again happiness has been over riding it). I should be about to break down at every second..

But the past few days I have found myself genuinely smiling.. genuinely happy..

It's hard to explain.. It's like I've been freed.. before I found out everything it was a constant battle with myself.. wanting him back, not wanting him back.. trying to forget him, being unable to do so.. Now I don't have to fight with myself about if he wanted to come back would I let him because the answer is a big fat HELL NO.

Like I said to someone the other day.. I find comfort in the fact that I have so much in store for my life.. while he is stuck where he is right now.. He has burned a very very sturdy bridge and there is no going back.

I hope one day he wakes up and realizes just how much I loved him.. how unconditional it was.. and how he messed it up.. I'm not one fore revenge or anything like that but I really do one day it hurts him as much as it hurt me for a while.. to know I'm the one that got away.. to know that he had something so pure and perfect.. that what I felt for him was the true definition of love.. and that he royally effed it up.

I should have listened..

to everyone that said to move on from C for the past 11 months..

I agree whole heartedly with that and I can honestly say that I have been trying to..

Each small step is a victory to me..

I loved the boy from the time I was 13.. I thought we were going to spend the rest of our lives together and that is not something I could just drop and forget..

I held out hope that maybe it was all just a bad dream.. maybe a little bit too long..

But maybe it wasn't too long for me...

Grieving over a marriage is like grieving over anything else.. it take time... some people take more than others..

I hate feeling like I'm being judged that it took this long for me to say that's it, I'm done and cutting him out completely..

I don't tell anyone else how to grieve over anything..

I'm grieving my marriage... my dreams.. my hopes.. and most of all what I thought love was...

Feeling like this is all my fault..

Most women that have been cheated on will tell you that they somehow blame theirselves for their significant other's affair.. they wonder what they could have done different to keep them from straying.. what they did to cause them to stray..

That's what I'm feeling right now and I know it's complete and total bullshit..

C decided this.. he is the one who screwed up, he is the one that lied, he is the one that went behind my back and made this decision..

But yet I still feel like there is something I could have done to prevent this..

And that feeling sucks.. if only my heart would listen to my head when it says I didn't do anything wrong..

Something I should probably talk to my therapist about on Thursday...

Overwhelming Heartbreak,Hurt, and Anger

I found out about 3 hrs ago that C became a father today.. Oh but not from him.. he doesn't have the balls for that.. I found out from FB.. from his Step Mother's FB status..  

Yup he has lied to me for the past 9 months.. sometimes a bold face lie. I kept having dreams about his GF being pregnant and I straight out asked him a few times.. always denying it.. 2 months after he left she was pregnant.. so now I'm even more convinced they were involved before we separated. 

Not to mention he would come share my bed only to go home to his pregnant GF.. I'm sick.. disgusted.. heartbroken.. this is my worst dream come true.. some tramp gets the life I was meant to have..

Not to mention he named his new daughter a name that we had considered for the child we lost together... 

I'm in total shock.. and if he was here I would punch him square in his face.. I feel so betrayed but can't say I am surprised..

Not to mention that last night as he was rushing his GF to the hospital after her water broke.. he was texting me at the same time telling me he missed me and loved me and all he could think about was me in my panties and tank top (usual sleep wear)

But out of this..

I will be changing my phone number on Monday.. I will be telling his boss he is no longer welcomed on my family's shop property.. and I will be cutting off all contact with him.. After breaking down so many times about him this week I feel like this is the sign I was looking for. This is the final straw.... 3 more weeks until I can fi

Letting Go of the C that was..

After having a couple breakdowns this week.. I talked to a few friends about what I should do next in life.. One friend in particular gave me some tough love and told me that deep in my heart I hope things will work out with C..

The hardest part of hearing that is to realize she is right.. I do wish C and I could work it out... but looking deep inside myself I also realize that it is not the C that I know now that I want.. It's the C of the past.. that sweet boy I met out on a T-ball field at only 6.. that sweet boy with the squeaky voice that I first kissed on the 4 wheeler in the woods.. that sweet boy that told me he would always love me and would do anything to make me happy.. the boy that could make me laugh like no other, and make my heart flutter like it was full of butterflies.. The boy that grew into the man that I wanted to marry..

But he's not that man anymore.. now he is a manipulative person who knows exactly what buttons to push to make me believe that for a second he could be the boy I fell in love with again..

After talking to my therapist about it last night I feel so much better.. We discussed out C isn't that person anymore.. about how he probably will never be that person again and that even if he was, there has been enough hurt and untrust between us that I wouldn't be able to get past to be with him again, happily as I was before.

She told me it was ok to mourn the "loss" of the old C.. she told me that just because he is gone doesn't mean there isn't someone out there that could make me feel that way again (which I truthfully think that is a huge reason I haven't been able to let go.. worried no one could make me feel the way he use to be able to again). She gave me some strategies to help work on letting go and I'm going to put them into use.

Also told me that making myself a hermit (let's face it.. I do that way too much) is not good for me. It gives me too much time to think (like this week) and bring back all these old memories. She told me I needed to keep myself busy and that is what I'm going to do. I'm going to try to get myself out there and get to know more people. Get myself out there and experience new things.

Vacation

I'm on vacation this week and I'm having a difficult time with it. I have way too much time on my hands to think about things and mull over them in my brain.

I haven't talked to C since last Monday when he had his little temper tantrum, even though he did text me this Monday, I didn't answer I thought about everything my therapist had said about it being in my control and I controlled myself to not text him. I still can't stop thinking about it though.. but working on that

S.. I don't freaking know what is going on there.. he like tries to avoid me now it seems and it freaking sucks.. To top it off I think his mom is out of town because he has been by her house multiple times this week to check on it.. sucks knowing he is right next door and that he doesn't want to talk to me.  As I have said before.. I like him.. but I'm not devastated that he isn't talking to me.. it pisses me off truthfully.. he is 31 years old.. he should be more of a man then to do the whole duck and avoid shit.. he should tell me straight up that he isn't interested or whatever his reasoning is.. UGH! Men..

My therapist said something to me the other day that has been resonating with me since our talk.. she told me that I have to mourn my dreams.. and sometimes that is the worst part of it all.. But to me that feels like I'm giving up on them.. and I'm not sure if I want to do that.. I know what she means by that.. she means that I have to realize my little dream of life and family with C is never going to happen (I've realized that and I'm over it), I have to realize that things may not go my way.. that I may not find the man that I'm searching for.. that I may not have the life I dream of... and that is really hard because I want to be married again.. I want to love... I want kids... but what if it doesn't happen for me.. what if it's not in the cards for me. I feel like what she is trying to tell me is not actually giving up my dreams.. but realizing that it may not happen the way I want it to... or as quickly as I want it to...

I try to put it all in God's hands.. I'm trying so hard to do so.. I just sometimes get so lonely.. like this week.. I've spent time with my mom and dad mostly.. which there is nothing wrong with that.. but I feel like I'm going back into my hole that I was when C left.. I feel like I don't have anyone to rely on that I can go hang out with every once in a while to get out of the house.. I feel like I'm becoming a recluse again and I freaking hate that.. I just don't know how to go out by myself to the bar or whatever and meet someone.. I know one thing though... once I start back school I'm going to make a point of getting to know more people.. I'm going to make it a point to go work on essays at Barnes and Noble or Starbucks.. out there to possibly meet someone.. out there just to get out of the house and around people.. I'm going to be a normal college student.. I need to do this.. I have to do this.. I have to get myself out there.. stop being scared of the future, stop being scared of something wonderful happening..