Remember S? The one guy after C that I kinda gave my heart to and then got stomped on?
Well as I have said before his mother lives next door to me. But since he stopped talking to me he has kind of avoided me. Every time he is there, which isn't as often as he was before everything happened, he has quickly ran into the house and if I was outside he would keep on driving.
Well last night was different. He pulled up to his mom's house about 2 seconds after I pulled into my driveway.. I just went on about my business because whats the point in waving at him or whatever when he isn't going to wave back. I'm over it totally, it really hurt what happened between us but I decided a long time ago not to dwell on dumbasses that don't realize what I'm worth.
But anyway back to the story..
As I am getting things out of my car he yells "Hey!" dumbfounded I turn around and say hey back to him but still continue to carry things inside my house. As weird as that was it got weirder... he then starts to walk over to me..
uhh...
He comes up to me and gives me a hugs and asks how I've been. I tell him I've been doing great and ask him the same thing. He tells me he is still working with kids and doing well. We exchange chit chat for a few mins and then he says.. oh well we should hang out sometime.. in my head I'm going WTF has gotten in to him. I say sure why not and he asks if I still have his number.. I tell him I do and he was like ok good Text me sometime and gives me a hug again. He tells me he will see me later and walks away.
I'm standing here completely in shock.. wtf is his game? what is he trying to pull? This is the only other man than C that I have "been" with, the only other man than C that I actually tore the brick wall down for, and like C he hurt me pretty badly..
Oh and to top it off. I just got back from the Gym when all this happened so I look like a mess! Figures lol I couldn't look hot when my gorgeous "ex" just happens to stop by. lol.
But anyway.. at this point I don't think I will call him or text him.. I don't think I will give him the satisfaction, it's been 7 months since we've talked. Yeah I understand I freaked him out a bit with the divorce stuff, I honestly thought he knew, but that didn't give him the right to just drop me. He should have been straight up about it. It feels as though lately because my divorce is finally so close that all the men that I EVER talked to are popping out of the wood work.. S included. I really liked him, but I respect myself more than to put myself in that situation again. I tried that with C too many times, I learned my lesson way back then.
Thursday, February 21, 2013
Monday, February 18, 2013
Deep Random Thoughts
Every now and then I find myself once again dreaming of the future.
I had tried to stop that and live in the present and I've been doing tremendously at it. Lets face it, living for the future hasn't done me much good in the past.
For instance the other day.. I thought about how I will be 24 this year.. seems strange to even say that. Granted it's 10 months away but still. I kinda have felt like time has stopped in some sense and that growing older was one of those things. But unfortunately (and fortunately) it's not and it's a weird concept that I am so close to being 24 when just a few years ago I was saying I wanted to have at least one baby by the time I was 25 and at this rate that will not happen and I'm not even sure if I would want it to anyway.
It's strange that just two years ago I was still making plans for a family with C. Seems so long ago but then again not. Some days it's hard to believe that I've been living without the one person, that I thought I would never be able to, for almost two straight years. And that I can say that I am happier without him. Honestly never thought that would be possible.
Some days I can't see myself with anyone ever again, just because I like who I am now, and I guess I worry a bit that I will somehow lose this person that I am by being in a relationship again. I have days that I can picture myself single and living it up for the rest of my life, not being "burdened" by drama and stupid things that I had to deal with when I was with C.
And I have to tell myself that not every relationship that I will be in is going to be like the one that C and I had. I refuse to have a relationship like that again anyway. And not every man is going to be like C. I guess because he is all I really know it's hard for me to picture because I don't know what it would be like.
I guess where I am now is that I am not planning for the future. I am living in the present. BUT I do hope for the future. I hope that some day I do meet a man that removes all doubt that I can be happy in a relationship, that removes all stereotypes, admitted or not, that I may or may not have for men. I hope that some day I do have a child, one that is made from love, and that knows what it's like to have both parents in utter love with them and each other.
I have hope for the future. I am not planning anything because I may end up alone for the rest of my life. I may never have children. I may never find that man. And I am fairly certain I will survive and be perfectly fine if that does happen.
I had tried to stop that and live in the present and I've been doing tremendously at it. Lets face it, living for the future hasn't done me much good in the past.
For instance the other day.. I thought about how I will be 24 this year.. seems strange to even say that. Granted it's 10 months away but still. I kinda have felt like time has stopped in some sense and that growing older was one of those things. But unfortunately (and fortunately) it's not and it's a weird concept that I am so close to being 24 when just a few years ago I was saying I wanted to have at least one baby by the time I was 25 and at this rate that will not happen and I'm not even sure if I would want it to anyway.
It's strange that just two years ago I was still making plans for a family with C. Seems so long ago but then again not. Some days it's hard to believe that I've been living without the one person, that I thought I would never be able to, for almost two straight years. And that I can say that I am happier without him. Honestly never thought that would be possible.
Some days I can't see myself with anyone ever again, just because I like who I am now, and I guess I worry a bit that I will somehow lose this person that I am by being in a relationship again. I have days that I can picture myself single and living it up for the rest of my life, not being "burdened" by drama and stupid things that I had to deal with when I was with C.
And I have to tell myself that not every relationship that I will be in is going to be like the one that C and I had. I refuse to have a relationship like that again anyway. And not every man is going to be like C. I guess because he is all I really know it's hard for me to picture because I don't know what it would be like.
I guess where I am now is that I am not planning for the future. I am living in the present. BUT I do hope for the future. I hope that some day I do meet a man that removes all doubt that I can be happy in a relationship, that removes all stereotypes, admitted or not, that I may or may not have for men. I hope that some day I do have a child, one that is made from love, and that knows what it's like to have both parents in utter love with them and each other.
I have hope for the future. I am not planning anything because I may end up alone for the rest of my life. I may never have children. I may never find that man. And I am fairly certain I will survive and be perfectly fine if that does happen.
Saturday, February 16, 2013
March 7th
This week I finally got a date. March 7th is the court date for our second and hopefully final divorce hearing.
Counting down the days til I no longer am associated with C.
Yesterday he texted me wanting to "chit-chat" and I politely told him not to contact me anymore since I have been ignoring his constant texts for the past month and a half about wanting to talk about everything.
I'm all talked out. He should have wanted to talk 18 months ago.. not now, not in the short rows of the official end of our relationship.
I told him that we are no longer the people we were so many years ago. That there is nothing between us anymore. That I am happier than I have ever been and that I am no longer living in the past but focusing on my present and parts of my future. And that is how I am going to live from here on out. He is my past and he will stay my past. Once March 7th comes, it will be as if there were never a K and C.
The only thing I acknowledge at this point from that chapter is Shi baby.
Counting down the days til I no longer am associated with C.
Yesterday he texted me wanting to "chit-chat" and I politely told him not to contact me anymore since I have been ignoring his constant texts for the past month and a half about wanting to talk about everything.
I'm all talked out. He should have wanted to talk 18 months ago.. not now, not in the short rows of the official end of our relationship.
I told him that we are no longer the people we were so many years ago. That there is nothing between us anymore. That I am happier than I have ever been and that I am no longer living in the past but focusing on my present and parts of my future. And that is how I am going to live from here on out. He is my past and he will stay my past. Once March 7th comes, it will be as if there were never a K and C.
The only thing I acknowledge at this point from that chapter is Shi baby.
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