Bitterness

I haven't written in a while..
Haven't known what to write..

Life has definitely been different. I started going to church group and I love it. I love the people I have met, I love having something that gets me out of the house for a while at least once a week.

I am trying my hardest to rely on God's time, to rely on his promise that he wants me to be happy but sometimes I just get so discouraged and bitter. I miss being part of a couple.. I miss having someone to turn to when I need comfort, I miss some one's arms around me. I miss feeling the love.

Right now I am getting half that experience. I met a guy at church group, M. He is amazing. He is so funny, so smart, keeps me on my toes, makes me feel like I can really be myself around him. And I'm falling for him... hard.. yet I don't think he feels the same way, which truthfully I am fine with. As long as I have him as a friend because I need someone like him in my life cause he makes me push boundaries and bring out the true Kaity that is inside.

I just want to know what my future holds.. I am trying to be patient.. but that has never been a particularly strong virtue of mine.. I see all these couples, holding hands, kissing, in love.. and it's beginning to be wedding season and I already have 3 or 4 friends getting married this summer and I just want to be like that.. happy, sharing my life with someone. I know I can't rush this, otherwise I will end up with someone like C again.. who is happy and makes me happy for a little while and then it all changes.. I don't want to settle but I also don't want to be in my late 30s or 40s and just getting married and trying for babies.. With my history already at 22 of loss and infertility I might as well count myself out then..

God,

Please give me some guidance.. tell me where I am suppose to be, what I am suppose to do, maybe send me a clue of what my future holds.. Only you know that and only you have the answers. I am trying to lean on you through these tough times and I know you are always there. I know I don't need to over analyze every little thing and I'd appreciate it if you would help me learn not to. You are the almighty, you can do anything and I am trying to put my complete trust in you. As you heard from our group discussion at church the other night, sometimes it is hard to give up control to you, it's like driving with your headlights off on a dark back road. I am trying my hardest to give up the control and let you lead me to where you want, or where you need me to be. Thank you for all the many blessings you have already given me. Amen

Proverbs 3:5-6(NIV)
5 Trust in the LORD with all your heart


and lean not on your own understanding;


6 in all your ways submit to him,


and he will make your paths straight.