Tempe, AZ or San Diego, CA

These are my two choices.. and I don't know how to choose. Both of these places have amazing Masters of Fine Arts in Photography programs.. both are in the top 10.. one of them will be my home for at least a few years here in the next 3 years..

I know I am starting early.. but I am so excited about my future.. I am so excited about leaving this place.. I am so excited period... but I am also terrified.. never have I had a dream this big.. never have I chased a dream this big..

What if.. it doesn't.. work...

What if I don't get in.. what if it is all for nothing..

I have to do this.. I tell myself I don't live by what ifs anymore in any other aspect of my life.. why do it here?

I will get in to both these schools.. and I will have to choose which one is the best fit for me...

The plan in the next 3 years until I get to that point...

Work hard.. dedication is key..

And travel to both these places at least once to see what they are about.. and decide which one fits me the best.

And if anyone reading this has an input on either one of these places.. please comment :)

Photography

My computer was down at work yesterday so I couldn't do hump day hotties.. But I promise to make up for it next Wednesday :)


But anyway.. I've been having a rough time. Well kinda. I can't figure out what's going on with me. I can't sleep.. I'm stressing big time. I'm terrified of the future in so many ways..

It's the end of the semester and that always puts me in hysterics anyway I think because one I have to register for classes again and two that means I won't be doing what I love to do for a while.. I have made it where I will still be in photography for the summer. Just digital.. And I will be taking film 1 again in the spring for more time in the dark room.. Even though I passed that class with flying colors the first time.. I need the darkroom.. It's my happy place and honestly the thought of being without it all summer makes me want to cry.. But I will manage.. Somehow..

This also means I have to start over with meeting people.. Which is fine but still stressful for me.. I love making friends but its not the easiest thing in the world for me. It will be good for me but I still wanna stay in the comforts of my friends I've made this semester and honestly most of them are graduating come May so I might not see them again at all.. Apparently I still have some issues of people leaving me in anyway after C. I'm happy for them and I know they will all achieve great things and their future is starting but still I feel stuck and alone again.. Yes it is all about me.. Haha no really I can't wait til the day I can say I knew them when. Just sucks to get close to people and then life changes but that's how life is right? It moves on and so shall we. I mean I don't plan on being here for the rest of my life either so I don't blame them and hope to be joining them next spring :)

Another thing.. This whole love thing.. I don't think I will ever be in love again.. Straight up honesty there.. I just can't picture it and then today even my SIL made the comment that maybe I should just be single the rest of my life. And I agreed.. I miss being in a relationship. But I think part of that is.. Right now I feel like I'm not really moving forward and I want someone to occupy me while I go through school until I can do what I love.. I hope that makes sense.. I kind of feel that once I do start my career that I won't need someone for a while.. If ever to occupy my heart because photography will fulfill me enough.. I think that sounds horrible but it's true..

Like my therapist says.. Right now photography is the only thing that is giving back to me when the whole rest of the world is taking from me.. And that is so true.. Nothing/no one else makes the effort towards me to show that I'm important as much as I do towards them.. And it's frustrating and lonely and the only time I make up a bit of that emptiness is through photography.. And I feel like it will always be that way..

I don't know if another human being can ever bring to the table what photography for me can.. And that scares me.. But I think part of it has to do with what I've been through.. Every time I put my heart out there I get hurt.. I'm tired of hurting.. I'm tired of lies.. Photography is what it is.. Especially film.. It's so honest.. It's the truth.. So raw and pure and it doesn't lie.. It can bring out emotions with its truth. But you know it's the truth..

Sums it up perfectly for the evening..

Hump Day Hotties 4/17/13

It's that glorious day again :) hump day hottie time!!

That awkward moment..

When you start to gain feelings for someone that you really shouldn't...
But then I ran across this and realized how crazy true it is. People can be meant to be together in many different ways.. I had never really thought of it this way but I will be beginning to. I have friends like this.. that I believe we're meant to be in my life somehow and honestly I am ok with these people just being in my life how ever they were meant to be, even if that means just friends.

This weekend..

This weekend sucked.. it started Friday and just got worse..

I was super emotional this weekend (damn hormones and PMS.. always comes at the most unopportune times) add that to drinks and instead of the usual happy fun drinking K you get the depressed one..

So Saturday, I found out C got married.. and like I said in the post before this one.. I honestly hope this is it for him and that he found his happiness.. Not going to lie though.. When I first found out.. I was pissed... I was so angry that here were these two people who royally screwed me over and they were getting thier "happiness" they were getting what I always wanted.. but then I got over it.. because you know what.. she doesn't know half the shit he has done since they've been together that I do.. she doesn't know that he cheated on her with not only me.. but more than likely other women.. she is the stupid one, he cheated on me for her.. what the hell makes her think that he wouldn't do it to her.. and with that I get the "revenge" that I craved.. because Karma is a bitch.

Then last night... I come home from the bar and S is at his mom's house.. awesome.. that kind of sent me into a tailspin for about 3.5 seconds and then I thought.. well it's his loss, he could have had me.. he is the one who screwed up.. so from here on out, neither of these two guys will have any control over my heart or feelings or anything.. because both of them are the ones that messed up.. both of them at some point have realized that they screwed me over and that they may possibly want me back.. and both of them have been shot down... and in that.. there is some comfort to me, that I know I will not let another man ever treat me the way I've been treated in the past.. I will never let another man make me feel that way..

I am the strongest I have ever been, and I will continue to grow stronger.. and one day there will be a man that comes along that is worth everything that I have to offer. I just know it.

Well C got married today

I'm ok..

Did sting a little knowing that his mother tagged a random friend so that I would see it..

But honestly I'm ok an I'm happy for them. I really hope he finds happiness and that this is it for him.

New tattoo :)

I got a new tattoo last night. I was suppose to get it on what would have been Shi's second birthday but due to some financial reasons I was unable to. So I rescheduled it to yesterday because that was the earliest he could get to me. It also happened to be national wear a star day for people who have lost children. I actually didn't know that when I booked the appointment but its super ironic considering its still a day that celebrates Shi's life and because this is my tattoo:

Hump day hotties 4/10/13

Wednesdays are great :)

Gotta Love the South

I'm sad..

I'm sad that I live in a place that is so full of small minded people..

I'm sad that race is still an issue around here..

Especially when it comes to dating..


I have always been tolerant of everyone, of their race, their beliefs, and what not. What you do with your life is your own choice, I won't judge you, you don't judge me, all is fair in love and war.

That guy I met Saturday night.. well he use to be married.. to a black woman..and has babies with her...

And honestly.. I saw it and didn't give it a second thought. He had a wife, I had a husband, he had babies with that wife, I did not, but not for a lack of trying, and I think babies are a wonderful gift from God. Like I said.. didn't give it a second thought.. actually thought "aww he has kids and they are adorable!" and also "Wow he's been thru a divorce too so he can probably relate" The color of their skin was never a thought in my mind.

But my friend that was with me that night, that thought he was so hot as well, that urged me to take him home with me.. she saw his facebook last night and her comment was.. "I'm glad you didn't take him home.. he use to be with a black woman"

I blew up on her.. this is one of my best friends mind you.. I told her that regardless if he was with a purple polka dotted woman from mars before I wouldn't care. I don't see skin color that way. And she went into a racist rant to the point I finally just stopped talking to her last night.

It hurts my heart to know that there are still people out there like that. It hurts my heart to know I have friends like that.. and I really wanted to talk to someone about it last night because I was upset.. but I didn't really know who to turn to because honestly.. most my friends will probably have the same view as her... well at least my white friends.. and I don't know how to bring it up to my friends of different races without myself sounding like I'm judging.. so I really feel alone in this and I don't like it.

I have been attracted to people of all different races because honestly.. it's about how they treat other people, about the size of their heart, and honestly.. we all bleed red.. we are all the same on the inside. Hell S is mixed Latino and White..

I just feel that if one day I do meet the man of my dreams and he so happens to be of a different race.. that I will lose a lot of my friends.. but honestly.. if they were real friends they wouldn't care as long as I was happy.. so I will continue to live my life my way. I'm not going to try to change their views, I didn't try to change her views last night. I basically told her that I was not going to sit there and listen to it because that's not what I believe in. Love is Love.. regardless of race, gender, religious views, and sexual orientation, and I will ALWAYS believe that.

Went out last night

For the first time in probably a month or so.

I wouldn't say it was a very exciting night.. It could have been but I guess I am scared.

Met a super hot guy, that was into me too, and he gave me his number and what not. he wanted to hang out after we left but I told him I needed to get home.. Sometimes I wonder why I don't just take people up on these offers? He seemed nice enough. We could have had fun.. Sure something could have happened but I wasn't really planning on that even if we did hang out because I'm not really that type of girl.

I'm just scared still of putting myself out there.. Not to mention he lives about an hour away (he was at a friends house) and even if it did go somewhere I don't know if I'm willing to be with someone that is that far away because let's face it I barely have enough time in the day anyway and throw in an hour or two of traveling to see a guy does not help.

Sigh.. Why does dating after divorce.. Especially a divorce like mine such a mind game..

I love Thursdays

Thursdays are my favorite day of the week now.

For one I get to see my fabulous Therapist.. who supports my dreams and helps me figure things out and plans for them (granted she is paid but still it feels good to know someone is backing you when it seems as if no one else is)

And Thursdays are wing nights...

I have been going to Thursday Wing nights for a little over a year now and I am so glad that I accidentally got pulled into this group of people.

Most of us are single. Most of them are older. But they all know how I feel and have been where I am because every single person at that table (married or in fact single) have been thru a divorce and have or are working on figuring things out life after divorce.

I have met some of my best friends there and really it's like a support group but not in a support group setting.

I look forward to every Thursday when I get to see them. That's when I can let loose and be myself, and know that there are people out there that truly love me for me.

We have become a family

And to think had none of this happened in my life.. I would have never met any of these wonderful people..

So Good truly does come out of the darkest storms sometimes.

Feeling Much Better

I honestly don't know what was going on with me earlier this week.. but I'm glad it's over.

Today I'm back to being my normal crazy, hyper self :)

I decided last night that is was time for me to worry about myself again.

Lately I have been falling back into the old routine of making sure everyone else is taken care of before I am.. and not worrying about what I want or need. I believe that probably had something to do with how I have been feeling the past few days..

I'm going to act crazy and silly.. 

I'm going to be the happiest behind a camera.. and spend way too much time being there..

I'm going to get tattoos because I think they are a beautiful way to express yourself thru art...

I'm going to persue my dreams no matter how crazy others think they are...

I'm going to listen to rap music and country music within the same 10 mins...

I'm going to go nerd and watch all the star wars movies... or lord of the ring movies sometimes in one sitting...

I'm going to be opinionated and way what I think...

I'm not going to be a pushover...

I'm going to be me and not care what anyone else thinks..

because that's who I am...

Hump Day Hotties 4/3/13

Ok so it's been a while since I did this.. I use to do a hottie parade every Wednesday on TTCAL. It was the highlight of my week, since I don't post there anymore though I haven't done it. I miss seeing my hotties!! So I decided to restart my weekly tradition again here on my blog lol so without further ado... I give you this week's hotties!! Yummmmmmm!



Been fighting back tears for 2 days now

I honestly have no idea what is wrong with me.. I am constantly biting my lip to keep the tears from coming.. I feel myself hermitting up, not only at home but at work too.

I don't want to be around people.. I don't want to deal with life..

I feel so alone.. all the time..

That is a contradiction in itsself. I don't want to be around people but I'm tired of being alone.

These feelings have come out of no where, seeing as I've been extremely happy as of lately..

I just don't know what to do anymore.. I guess I need to talk to my therapist about it at this week's session.. and see if we can come up with a solution or something..

I just feel so hopeless at the moment

It's 4:03 and I can't sleep..

While I've struggled with insomnia often in the past year or so this is ridiculous...

So much running through my head an I'm actually exhausted but my mind won't shut up enough to get some sleep... Gah!

Right now I'm feeling very down. Today was just bad.. I felt criticized for everything, for every choice I've made in my life, I felt like nothing Ido is ever good enough.

Somehow I've managed to avoid these feelings for a while but it seemed like every time I opened my mouth today there was someone to put me down.. My family in particular..

I thought we had gotten over the whole thing of me changing my major to photography but apparently not.. Apparently they don't believe in me.. They think I'm going to be a starving artist and I'm wasting my time.. And honestly that realization today that they really think this... Hurts me worse than anything in the past has..

I'm not good enough for even my family.. My own family.. So glad they are supportive... :(