Lullaby

What I would give to be able to hold Shiloh Rose in my arms right now and sing this to her... Missing her so much right now...

Throat-Punch Thursday

This may become a new installment on my blog. Thanks to one of the ladies on TTCAL that thought it up/

I'm having some anger problems today.. I am thinking it's because once again I am letting people run over me and not saying something when they piss me off, sometimes it's easier just to back down then to start an argument.. but that is really killing me on the inside, it's building up and if I let it do so it may explode on someone innocent that doesn't deserve it. Maybe if I do a weekly "throat-punch" I will fill better.

C - We all know that he is one of my constant sources of anger, at least this isn't displaced anger. He took my dream, my plan in life and squished it with 5 words.. "I think we should separate". He didn't give a shit how those words stabbed into my heart that night, he hasn't given a shit about how his actions have hurt me since then. He has been playing me.. making me think that maybe one day we could reconcile.. my brain knows better but my stupid heart wants to believe him and it keeps getting stabbed.. Then he has the audacity to tell me last night that he needs to talk to me about something but he didn't want to hurt me. Fuck You Casey, glad your so worried about hurting me now..

Co-irkers - We all have them.. some of them are driving me crazy, treating me like crap, like I don't know anything.. that's ok.. don't come crying to me when you need something or you can't figure out something.. also don't forget who I am.. I don't usually play this card but I am the boss' daughter..

BCPs - EFF you for making me bleed so damn much that I thought I was going to die!

right now that's all I have, if I think of more I'll add it.

Lack of Sleep and Broken Dreams

I have no idea what has brought all this on.. the past week or so I have been barely getting any sleep and when I do get a few blissful mins they are filled with nightmares..

Last night I fell asleep on the couch for a little while. During that time I had a dream about Shi.. She was about 6 years old.. had green eyes, blonde curls, and chubby little cheeks, she was the perfect blend of me and C, and I could see both of us in her.. I wanted to hold her, touch her and never let her go.. kiss those cheeks and tell her that she was what I loved most in this world. I only had a few mins in the dream because in the dream she was taken away from me, someone had kidnapped her and Casey and I (who were oddly together) were searching everywhere for her, doing everything that we could do to find her. I don't remember ever finding her before I woke up with tears running down my face..

I texted C.. desperate to have some comfort, probably a little delirious still from my dream, praying that she was really in my house somewhere, blissfully sleeping.. but just the fact that I had to text C I knew that it had been a dream, if it hadn't been he would have been there beside me.. to my surprise he actually texted me back and was there for me, there to listen to my tears and to help me get through it all. It all seemed so real.. He told me that he often has dreams of her too like that, where she is around the age of 6 and we were still together. This isn't the first dream I've had about her lately.. but this one was the most vivid and brought the most emotions out.

This is so unfair.. so unfair that everything I ever wanted in the world was taken from me in a split second, it's so unfair that it caused my marriage to break apart.. I sometimes feel completely lost without the two people in my life that I love the most.. I do love C despite everything, despite how he hurts me sometimes, despite the fact that he chose the life he is living now, over the life we had together for so long. I am working on moving past it and I have come a long way, but when I have these dreams and I see what life could have been like it makes me step back sometimes.. I know that one day I will find another man that I love, I will have beautiful children who make my world bright, but I don't think I will go a day without thinking about the family I should have had, a beautiful little girl, a husband that I had loved from just a boy to the man he would ultimately become.They will always be part of my heart and it's so hard to let go of that dream, that plan that I had.

Apparently I need professional help

That is what I was told today.. C said this to me today.. WTF?

He was telling me about something and I called him selfish, selfish that he doesn't even think of anyone else before he does something stupid that could alter everyone who loves him's lives. He responded that what he is doing is no different then me beating myself up mentally.

UM excuse me.. I don't do things that could hurt me, I don't hurt myself. I have very rare bad days lately and yes I struggled a couple weeks ago one day and really wondered what I mattered to the world, but that doesn't mean I would hurt myself, if not only for me but for the people who do love me. I couldn't put them through that pain.

He tells me that I mentally abuse myself and sometimes that is worse then anything physically. Ok Dr. Phil. I told him that if he could only see into my mind and realize how strong and healthy I have become, that beating myself up rarely happens anymore. He was like, whatever..

I'm so over it, I have come very very far from where I was 5 months ago. I am looking ahead to my future and I see great things. I love C and I always will but we will never get back together, we will never be able to work things out, and I have come to peace with that.

In other news. I started school last Friday. I love it, I have a class every day and it definitely keeps my mind off things. Truthfully, I am kinda hoping to meet a cute guy in one of these classes too, and make new friends.. I want the college experience that I missed out on right out of high school.

In cute boy news.. I have one that I have my eye on.. I friended him on Facebook and I'm hoping things will progress.. I miss being in a relationship, but I am enjoying getting to know myself.

I haven't lost any weight, but I have lost inches. Since C left I am down 5.. yeas 5 WHOLE PANTS SIZES!  That is huge!! I am almost down to regular size clothing.. soon I won't have to be buying plus size anymore. Squee!

Free Spirited

Growing up I was always afraid to get out there, go out on my own, be away from my family. I don't know if it's because my mom babied me so much and never really let me go out and do things or what. She was a bit overprotective at times.

I have found though that the past year or so I have wanted to be free, to go out and take on the world, to learn and live new things, to figure out what it is that I am looking for..

At times I envy C right now.. when he left he was free. Since the house was in my parents' name it wasn't anything that we had to split.. so yes while he is living at his grandparents house.. he can pretty much do what he wants, go where he wants, he has nothing tying him down here.. yet he won't go because of his family.

I remember suggesting we move to the mountains, I love it there, I would love to live there, he wouldn't even hear of it becase he couldn't leave his family like that. I totally understand. I love my family, I don't know what I would do without them and like I said I have always been by there side, but for me this was a chance to figure out who I really am without my family's influence.

The more I think about it, the more I want to get away from here, to start over new.. to experience life outside of this small town, I want to get away from everything that reminds me of how my life was. I want to find new memories, make new memories, meet new people. There is more to life then what I have right now, there are more people that I want to meet. And I am terrified that I will always be stuck here. Not that it's a bad place to live, but I don't feel like I will do all I should do with my life if I stay here..

One day, One day I will make it out of here.. I will live somewhere else, I will find new cultures, I will learn new things. I will meet the man of my dreams, I will marry him, and I will have beautiful babies. I will have friends all over the world. One day my life will be well rounded and what I want it to be.

Now for my favorite song.. which goes perfect with this post.

It's 2012!!!

Oh so happy to be out of 2011, I just want to put the whole year behind me and forget about it. It has officially been 2012 here in NC for an hour and a half and I can kinda feel a different vibe about me.

Yeah it sucked not having anyone to kiss when the ball dropped, yeah it sucked that none of my friends (except a NO lady <3) bothered to text me or anything. But I was surrounded by family and my some of the people I see as extended family. I had fun, I drank a little, ate a lot of food, and danced,hugged, and bid farewell to hopefully the last bad year in my life for a long time, preferably forever.

So lets talk about what everyone does every new year. Resolutions.. I have mine and I really hope I can stick to them..

~Lose 100lbs.. that is less then 2lbs a week until 2013.. Next New Years I plan on being center of attention and catching eyes, I plan on finally fitting into something sexy to go out in.

~ Read 50 books

~ Become more confident

~ Get the house the way I want it to be

~ Finalize my divorce and move on from C
~ Hopefully, find a wonderful man who knows how to treat me.

~ Do a 365 day photo project

Here is to a New Year.. a new beginning.

Cheers!!