There are not a limited number of men in the world...

Oh wait.. Yes there are.. Shit

Back after my miscarriage I use to say that to myself to get over the bitter feelings I had towards pregnant women.. There are not a limited number of babies.. I will get my own one day.

After the 10th engagement status that popped up on my Facebook newsfeed this week I tried to tell myself that there are not a limited number of men in the world.. But honestly there is.. Especially where I live where where women outnumber men probably 2 to 1.

So what does that mean to me? It means that there are less and less decent men in this county.. It means to me that in all honesty I won't find a man until I get out of this rinky dink town.. Which I plan to... In about 4 years.. Lol so for now I plan to be single until I'm 27-28 because honestly I don't think there are many more decent men in this county that are left in my age range. That doesn't mean that I don't get a twinge of jealousy every time I see a new engagement. I'm happy for them all but damn really? Lol

Birds of a feather flock together..

I've heard this sentiment more than a few times during the past few weeks in sociology class and it has me thinking..

If that's true.. My ideal man will have to be a nerdy artistic Star Wars loving country boy with tattoos galore that loves cars who also is sarcastic and able to hold a conversation that includes big words (in other words, highly educated) yeah.. That shouldn't be too hard to find...

I'm doomed to be alone forever... Haha

Friends.... with benefits?

When I say I am not currently looking for a man right now, I honestly mean it. I am happy single, I am happy with what I am doing with my life, and I am happy with the path I am on. 

That's not to say that despite me not being out there looking for a man that they are not looking at me and trying to contact me. And not saying that if a certain guy came into my life that I could see being with, I wouldn't go for it. 

But the thing about all these guys are that they aren't looking for a relationship. All of them are looking for a hook up and if anyone knows anything about me that reads this blog, they know that I am not into the whole "hit it and quit it" thing. I have values, I have morals, I have standards.

It is extremely frustrating though because honestly it's making me believe that, that is all guys want now of days. Goes back to the saying "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?" I just feel like guys expect every girl to just let them do that. I'm not knocking women that do the whole friends with benefits thing, don't get me wrong, it's your body do with it what you want, I am just saying I am not that type, but it seems like all the guys in my area expect all the women to be that way.

I will be straight up and say that I miss sex like crazy.. it's been 10 months almost.. it sucks.. because I admit that I am a very sexual being. But like I said.. random hook-ups is not my style, and I would rather wait (or use B.O.B.) than to be left feeling like I'm being used by a man that will probably forget how to text/call/talk to me once they get what they are looking for.. been there.. done that.. and some days it still bothers me about that guy because unfortunately I let my heart get ahead of myself on that one. 

Just this week I've had 3 guys text me.. wanting to hook up... and once I shot that idea down they stopped texting me.. until the next time they are horny and try again...

I have one friend that I have known since high school. That a couple months ago moved about an hour away. He then tells me that he has always had feelings for me... but he doesn't want a long distance relationship (ok one... an hour is not that long of a distance, and two.. I couldn't see myself being with him even if he was here in town still.. he was like another brother to me in high school and I'm just not into him that way.. but anyway I digress) yet every time he is in town, visiting his family.. he texts me wanting to just "hook up" WTF? honestly I never saw him as that type of guy but the first time he did that it totally made me see him in a different light, he was no longer the sweet guy that I knew in high school.. but someone who had let me down.. the one guy that I thought I wouldn't hear that from once me and my ex split up.. but it proved to me more.. that most guys have one thing on their mind..especially when they think you are lonely and vulnerable.. and like I said.. EVERY TIME he is in town I get the same text.. only now I delete and ignore.. 

So right now I am kind of going into a little bit of  a man hating phase.. I'm tired of the question, I'm tired of the texts, I am tired of being let down by a guy that I think is genuinely nice and then they pop that out there. When I tell them that I don't plan on having sex again outside of a relationship they try to talk me out of my decision.. and then tell me that they aren't really looking for a relationship.. awesome.. thanks for wasting my time dude...

Oh and whats worse.. the guys that have girlfriends that are texting me about hooking up too.. but we will get into that another day. 

It hits like a rock

Even though I really am ok with not being in a relationship and not actively looking for one... some days it just hits me that I am going home alone yet again.. nothing to look forward to at home.. no one to kiss me, hug me, touch me at all..

I miss all those things the most.. the snuggling, the kissing.. just the feeling of someone else's presence..

I don't know whats up with me.. maybe because here at work they are listening to all the sappy country songs that make you want to be in love..

I miss those things.. I don't miss the drama...

And I wonder if I will ever be able to get over the drama enough to know that it's worth it.

And is it really worth it?

I don't know any more.. I just know that nights like tonight suck.. And I hope one day there will be someone that makes all these crappy nights worth it.

I'm divorced

Have been since March 7th :)

I just haven't had time to write. Last Friday I went and got my name changed back and now I just got to go get my new license. Little steps

I'm so happy, it honestly feels like a new chapter and I'm not ready to soil the pages yet with trying to love again.

I feel like that will come in time, I'm tired of putting up with BS from guys who only want a hook up.. it's not going to happen.. I respect myself way too much for that so lately a lot of guys have come and gone when I don't give it up and while it pisses me off that so many guys are that way. I am ok with waiting.. I know there is someone out there that understands, that will be there for me, not for what I can give them.

One day :)

Until then I am going to be me, do me, and be happy.

Life is good.