Goodbye to 2011

2011 you have truly sucked.. between you and 2010 I'm surprised I made it through it all.

I am so glad to see that the end is coming close. I have so much hope for 2012. 2010 and 2011 both have brought me to my knees.. I lost my baby in July 2010.. I lost my sister in law in October 2010.. in Feb 2011 my grandfather died.. and in August of 2011, C walked out of our home.

So much loss in my life these past two years, but somehow I have managed to come out a more caring, more passionate, kinder person. I am much stronger then I was.

Last night was one of the hardest nights in a long time. I don't know why.. I don't know what brought it on. All I wanted was for C to come home and hold me and tell me everything would be ok.. but he didn't, in fact he ignored my text when I told him that I was in a bad place, even though he had been talking to me not 5 mins before. I realized last night that I can't count on him anymore, I might have never been able to. I love him, I care for him, but for my own sake I have to let him go.. I have to figure out a way to live my life without him more then I have been doing lately.. I was doing very very well.. I hadn't talked to him in over a month at one point, but he texted me one day and since then we have talked almost every day and there are days that I just go home and cry. I can't do this anymore. I called the Clerk of Court today. I found out what all I needed to file for divorce and I am working on getting everything together. C thinks he still has a hold on me and he kinda does, but once he is served with them divorce papers he is going to wake up and realize that he has lost the best thing that he ever had.

I made it through last night (obviously) thanks to some of the wonderful people I have met on TTCAL. Without those ladies I don't know what I would do. It amazes me how some people that I have never met IRL can be some of my best friends and the people I lean on. They have been there for me through everything and I can't thank them enough. I pray that 2012 brings them all their take home babies.

Well enough with my ramblings.. my resolution is to try to at least write in here once a week. Lets see how that goes lol.

4 months..

I've been a bad blogger.. but as it usually does, life got in the way.. between school and work, I've been completely crazy. The semester is almost over, I've already signed up for next semester's classes and I'm so proud of myself for making it thru the first one, I'm so proud that despite everything I've had going against me I am making my dream come true.

Today is 4 months since my life changed.. 4 months since C walked out those doors, since he told me that he didn't think we should be together anymore. Last night I was really struggling. I had seen him earlier that day, when he came by the shop to drop off some supplies and that was not the man I married.. that was not the man I fell in love with so long ago.. he has become a shell of his former self and that makes my heart hurt. I fear he may have gotten in with some bad people and some bad things, I wish there was something I could do but he chose this life, he decided that this is what he wanted and sometimes we have to live with the consequences..

Everyday I grow a little stronger.. I have my days, but all in all I'm a much happier, much "spunkier" person. I laugh and smile more, I actually find myself checking myself out in the mirror (oo la la =P). For a woman who use to think that she was so fat and ugly, I actually find myself thinking I am pretty, I am getting there.

I am still losing weight.. kinda stuck at 35lbs but I am down 4 pants sizes so far and the ones I'm wearing are feeling loose. I'm becoming the person I want to be.. I'm becoming the person I have always been.

Home DIYs

I have a huge list of things I want to do for the house.. I figured I'd write it all down right here.


Living Room

• Paint the Accent Wall    Done
• Up cycle some pallets as the Accent Wall's Center piece
• Add Shelves to the Pallet Wall
• Arrange my Camera Collection on Shelves
• Paint another Quote Canvas for the Wall next to the TV  Done
• Refinish the Entertainment center that sits underneath the TV and distress it
• Make a Spot for Shoes next to the door
• Create a crate bookshelf  Done
• Hang up Quote Posters around bookshelf Done
• Make new Pillows for the couch

Dining Room

• Paint the Walls
• Get Curio Cabinets in place and arranged
• Make Silverware Art to Hang
• Redo Window "Tiffany Glass" Decals
• Repaint the Table
• Paint Chandelier

Kitchen

• Finish Painting

Guest Bathroom

• Paint
• Redo the Floor
• Make a Mirror for the Bathroom above the sink
• Hang up Peacock Accents
• Replace Light Fixtures

Spare Bedroom 1

• Clean out Junk
• Buy a Futon
• Repaint
• Install Fan

Spare Bedroom 2

• Wallpaper one wall with awesome Black Wallpaper with bright flowers
• Get my Desk from my parents
• Clean out Junk
• Install Fan

Master Bedroom

• Paint Dresser
• Paint Closet and organize

Master Bath

• Paint Ceiling
• Replace Light Fixtures

Front Porch

• Stencil front porch and paint
• Make cushions for chairs
• Touch up door

Laundry Room

• Paint
• Hang up Cabinets

Right now that is about it. Once Spring comes I will focus on the yard. I have a lot to do!

Blah..

I don't know whats wrong with me today. I was doing good this morning and right now I just don't want to be around anyone or do anything.. just want to curl up in a ball and go to sleep.

So much has gone on in my life lately.. between school and work I feel like thats all I do. When I'm not working or going to school I'm going to my neice's softball games or doing something other to keep my mind off everything.. maybe that is why I'm in a weird mood today. Today is the first time in a long time that I have been alone by myself all day.

C has came back into my life.. he can't decide if he misses me or not and it's really starting to get to me.. I need him to choose so that I can move on and know what to do with my life.

B has invited me on a weekend getaway in a couple weeks and I'm super nervous.. I've never met him face to face and I'm worried that he won't like the way I look.. lets face it, I'm a big girl, he has never seen pictures of me and I have never really described myself to him.. but in a way I hope that won't matter because we click so well personality wise.. I wish I had more time to get closer to my goal weight but we will see..

I have lost 30lbs since C left.. I have dropped down 3 pants size and I'm still losing weight. I've been running as much as possible and eating as clean as I can. I still have a long way to go. My goal weight is still over 100 lbs away.. I know I can do this.

Now that your caught up on my life. I think I'm gonna start using this blog as a DIY blog too. I have gotten so much stuff from pinterest to do. Right now I'm working on my living room and my house is a mess!! it's so agrivating lol .

Going back public..

I decided to go back public.. I have nothing to hide.. maybe my story can help someone else going through a rough time.

Been having a crazy few weeks since the last time I posted.

Can't get into it now, but I promise I will be posting about it soon.

I still have bad nights..

This weekend was amazingly fun, but everynight after my brother and SIL and their kids went to bed I would find myself crying..

I felt so lonely.. I think I figured out why though.. I haven't cried over him in probably over a month, but we were in a camper.. the only camper I had been in for the past 7 years was with C.. his family's camper, it brought back so many good memories.. I wish I could have wrote this last night.. with all the raw emotions but then again I'm glad I couldn't.. no telling what could have come out.

I am so thankful for my friends that were there for me last night though, they helped me get through it.

Oh and one of them told me that C has his little brother texting him (my friend) asking what was up between me and him because we always seem to be talking on FB.. um wtf does C care? If there was anything going between me and this guy why would it matter? He is the one who left.. he is the one who wanted this to be over.. it pisses me off.. and why is he having his little brother text my friend (C and this guy use to be best friends) why can't he be a man and text him himself? I am so glad that my friend realized what was happening and didn't say anything back to him, there is nothing going on between us, we are just good friends and he has been there for me through soo much these past few months and actually the past few years.

Happiness

I've been told by numerous people this weekend that I am a different person, that I seem happier, more outgoing.. a side of me that many people haven't seen in a loooooooong time. I am happier.. I love my life right now.. Do I get lonely.. yes.. are there days that are harder then others.. yes.. but I have amazing friends and family to help me through this all and I have met some awesome people the past 8 weeks..

It's crazy that it has been 8 weeks since C came home and told me he wanted to be done. I was posting on Not Over about how if I am truthful with myself our marriage was done over a year ago.. he was present for about a month after losing Shiloh and then that was it.. we haven't had a marriage, we were roommates.. with benefits.. If I am truthful with myself we shouldn't have gotten back together after the first time we split up.

I haven't seen C in over 2 weeks.. I haven't talked to him in over a week.. and I find him popping into my head less and less now.. I finally feel free.. I always worried about pissing him off and now I just don't care. I am so ready to sign paperwork and be completely free.. yes he has a spot in my heart.. obviously.. but we will never be back together.. I have gained a whole new respect for myself and for all that I have accomplished.. all the strength I wasn't aware I had.


School is going well. I love my History Class and it is one of the highlights of my week. I can't wait until every Monday night. I am such a history nerd lol. I didn't realize how much I missed school and I can't wait until in a few year that will be my job! To be in school everyday enriching young minds, hopefully encouraging and inspiring kids the way my history teachers did.

I've been slack..

lol not really.. just been staying SUPER busy.. between school, work, helping my mom with my 2 neices' birthday party and home improvements I've just been slammed!

I'm doing ok for anyone looking for an update.. I have my days.. but I make it through it. Today C royally pissed me off and I decided that I can NOT wait to sign those papers.. yes my heart hurts thinking about these past 7 years but I will not be a 2nd option to him anymore.

Apparently I am the reason we split up.. I was too hard to live with.. um yes C.. I pretty much let you do whatever the hell you wanted to do.. I gave you everything you wanted, you never went without.. and I tried my hardest to keep us together.. yet I'm the bad guy.. whatever..

Oh and I'm not happy enough for him that he has found someone else.. well no shit.. I never wanted our relationship to end.. I wanted to work things out.. and NEWSFLASH!!! we were together for 7 years.. we have been apart for a month and a half.. and you are already dating someone else.. yeah I must have been really fucking special and meant so much to you..

I'm just ready for this nightmare to be over and to where I don't have to talk to him anymore..

New Life, New Blog.

I've been thinking about this blog post and meaning to do it for almost a month now.. I'm sorry to my readers that actually have been trying to keep up with my life lol.

On August 1st, C came home and told me that he thought it was best that we separate.. It had been a long time coming but it truly felt like I had been hit by a Mack Truck.. I felt my heart literally shatter.. I knew my life was over, this was the man that I had given my all to the past 7 years of my life, a third of my life. This was the man that I had always dreamed waking up next to with a couple of kids laid over top of us and smiling across their heads.. this is the man that helped me make an Angel.

I didn't know what to do or what to say.. so I called my mom.., and I called my sister in law CB. He left and they came swooping in to help me pick up the pieces..

I went to go stay with my parents for a few days.. debated on whether to move back in with them and just give up my house.. the house that we as a couple had made a home. It hurt to be here at the house, everywhere I looked there were memories of the past 2 years here, memories of the good, the bad.. memories that I knew would eventually cause my mental breakdown. Ultimately I decided that I was a grown woman and it was time for me to learn to live alone, on my own. Being at my parents, they were great, they did everything they could for me, but they also enabled me to sit in my sorrow and sadness and not try to work through it. So that Friday I moved back home.. being home was hard. I think I cried the whole night the first night back, but I also felt a lot better on my own. Now here I am almost a month on my own and I actually enjoy being able to watch what I want and do what I want.

This past month has been a big roller coaster of ups and downs, so many emotions have ran through my head it has been ridiculous.. but I am realizing that I deserve so much better then what I was getting. Don't get me wrong, C was a good guy.. but our relationship was more of a mother-child, I gave gave gave and he rarely gave back. I have learned a lot about myself and about C this past month. I've gone back and re-evaluated a lot of scenarios from the past. Right now I am doing ok.. I still have hard days but I am realizing my worth and how strong of a person I really am.. much stronger then I ever thought myself to be.. I have been through some of the worst things this year.. losing my SIL.. losing my baby.. and then losing my husband. But I am still here.. Life continues on..

I truly don't believe I would be where I am today without the help of some amazing people. The women on TTCAL have been my rocks, always listening when I want to whine, always re-assuring me that everything will be ok. My SIL CB, I can't thank her enough for dragging me out of the house that first week, and numerous times throughout this past month to get my mind off things, and my mom, she has done everything she possibly can to help me. Truly I find myself sitting in her living room (I went to their house about once a month before all this) AT LEAST once a week, tears pouring down my face, getting my frustrations and hurt out.. cause I can't be strong all the time.. Every time she is there to listen and encourage me.

I am going through one of the hardest things of my life.. but I have so many people rooting me on and being there for me. I am so thankful that I have these people, I am so thankful that I have made friends with some of these people.

I'm getting there.. It's hard.. I have bad days, but I CAN DO THIS AND I WILL.

I will find my true prince charming one day.. the one that will be there for the rest of my life and will make me realize why this didn't work out. He is out there and I truly believe that.

I still love C, he will always have a part of my heart, he is Shiloh's daddy, I would love him just for that if for nothing else. We just grew apart pretty much, he wasn't ready to be married and I wanted so much more out of him then he could give me. He saw how his brother (who is 18) was living and thought it would be pretty cool to go back to that.

I put on my facebook this quote today and it makes me smile because it's true:
♥ What a wonderful thought is it that some of the best days of our lives haven't happened yet ♥

Truth is

I'm fucking pissed..

I planned my future out.. and suddenly it all goes to shit..

WTF!

I know that I haven't written.. Haven't know what to say.. haven't known what to feel.. I  go from sad to happy back to sad all withing a 5 second time span.. I constantly think about him and wonder if he is thinking about me.. Every once in a while I have a few min breaks where I don't think about him and miss what we had..

I will get through this.. I can get through this.. but it is so fucking hard.. I miss him.. I love him.. and times like right now.. I would give anything to have him back here with me on this couch.

And other times I think this is for the best..

I HATE FEELING LIKE THIS... Need to go to bed.. sleep this heartache off.. I've been doing so good.. I don't know what changed tonight..

Major Changes Ahead

This blog is about to undergo a huge change.. some of you already know what it is.. I will blog about it later, I'm a little tired of rehashing the events that have taken place the past 2 days..