Demons

I still have them.. and they won't go away.

I still lie awake at night. Still wonder who could possibly love me and why..

I look at L(my boyfriend) and wonder how someone as wonderful as him could possibly see anything worth anything in me.

I worry that one day he will wake up and realize he can do better.

I hate that I feel this way..

I hate that after everything I've been thru I still don't believe to be treated like a normal human being, that needs love, that wants love, that deserves the best.

C has left many scars... many that have been healed and somewhat erased.. but that one still cuts deep.. that insecurity that he instilled in me.. that I couldn't do better then him still haunts me daily.. that I'm not good enough for anyone.. that anyone that is with me is being so out of pity..

I'm not going to lie and say that it hasn't caused some problems between L and I. I come across as this woman who has a high self esteem.. but he has seen the real me.. he has held me at night as I cry.. he has answered the many questions of doubt (repeatedly.. ) and has become annoyed at it. He has told me he wished I had better self esteem.. and He's not the only one who wishes that..

The fact that he is still here does speak volumes for me... but there is still that nagging feeling in my back of my head.. still waiting for the ball to drop.. and I hate that. I don't want to feel this way anymore.. but I don't really know what to do about it.

I don't know how to change 20ish years of bad body image.. or how to undo 9 years of a mentally and emotionally abusive relationship... I don't even know where to start..

The "M" word

He said it this weekend..

It all started with a joke, he was going on and on about his coat and I decided to joke around and be 5 again...

"Well if you like it so much why don't you marry it??"

his response?

"Because I'd rather marry you"

Cue total bewildered look..

The thought of marriage in the past few years has scared the hell out of me. How could I trust someone again so much to want to spend the rest of my life with them. C really damaged me in that. He killed all trust I had.. and anytime someone mentioned me getting remarried again one day I scoffed it off and said it probably won't happen. But since I've met him.. my whole tune has changed. I totally see myself marrying him one day... key word.. ONE DAY. We have talked about it before this weekend, but he never outright said the word. Anytime we talked about our future it was about.. when we move here, when we are living together officially, etc. It was never.. when we get married. The bewildered look was more of the fact that I didn't have a mini panic attack when he said it.. instead I embraced it and smiled.. maybe even blushed a little.

That doesn't mean I want to get married tomorrow though and I believe he understands that. I think he knows I need time, that's why he hasn't said that word before even though it had been implied. But he kinda sealed the deal with it this weekend. To prove to me that he is in this for the long haul.. that this isn't just a fling to him.. and I think he said it because he tends to know me better than I know myself.. he knew I needed to hear that, that reassurance that he wants to be here.

I love him more than I have ever loved anyone. Even C. Even only after 3.5 months.. I know he is the one.. I just wasn't sure if he thought I was the one but he stepped out of his comfort zone as well to tell me that I am in his own way.. he took my joke and ran with it.

And you know what.. I'm not scared to think about it anymore. About the future. About getting married again.. because I know this time that I am making the right decision with the right man.