Demons

I still have them.. and they won't go away.

I still lie awake at night. Still wonder who could possibly love me and why..

I look at L(my boyfriend) and wonder how someone as wonderful as him could possibly see anything worth anything in me.

I worry that one day he will wake up and realize he can do better.

I hate that I feel this way..

I hate that after everything I've been thru I still don't believe to be treated like a normal human being, that needs love, that wants love, that deserves the best.

C has left many scars... many that have been healed and somewhat erased.. but that one still cuts deep.. that insecurity that he instilled in me.. that I couldn't do better then him still haunts me daily.. that I'm not good enough for anyone.. that anyone that is with me is being so out of pity..

I'm not going to lie and say that it hasn't caused some problems between L and I. I come across as this woman who has a high self esteem.. but he has seen the real me.. he has held me at night as I cry.. he has answered the many questions of doubt (repeatedly.. ) and has become annoyed at it. He has told me he wished I had better self esteem.. and He's not the only one who wishes that..

The fact that he is still here does speak volumes for me... but there is still that nagging feeling in my back of my head.. still waiting for the ball to drop.. and I hate that. I don't want to feel this way anymore.. but I don't really know what to do about it.

I don't know how to change 20ish years of bad body image.. or how to undo 9 years of a mentally and emotionally abusive relationship... I don't even know where to start..