Therapy

Last night was my first therapy appointment.. I decided Monday after a little tiff with C and the emotions I've been feeling since not hearing from S in over a week that I really needed to get myself straight and get myself mentally and emotionally healed.

I decided that I can't let C manipulate me anymore.. I have to completely let go and move on.. I knew I couldn't do that alone.

As far as S.. yeah I liked him.. a lot more than I thought I did or would.. but I still had a guard up.. while I feel sadness that it didn't go any futher with me and him it's not like I'm heartbroken.. I just don't want little things like that to start building up so I figured I needed to go ahead and get it taken care of.

I absolutely love my Therapist.. she is funny, truthful and really like an old friend even though I just met her..

We set up a plan to help me get started.. Right now I need to focus on why I am texting C back if he texts me.. if I'm doing cause I want to or because I feel like I need to. Hope this works.. I'll keep this thing updated about it as it goes.

Hopefully my next appointment will be Thursday of next week.

I'm so glad I've taken this next step in my recovery.

Hump Day Hotties!

In honor of the movie coming out soon...

This is why I'm scared of putting myself out there..

Today I'm a little depressed and sad and hurt..

The guy S I've been talking about.. well I don't know.. I didn't think I had any feelings for him other than as friends but when I saw him Friday night my heart skipped a beat.. and since then I haven't been able to stop thinking about him.

Sunday night I talked to him on the phone and I felt like a giddy teenager.. he makes me smile, makes me laugh, makes me feel like something is there..

I don't know how he feels about me.. my friend L told me to be aggressive and put myself out there that I like him.. so I tried to coax myself in.. after all how is he suppose to know I like him if I don't tell him.. well I started off yesterday by texting him.. being flirty.. no answer..

I don't know what to think.. I know he wasn't too busy cause he was messing around on FB all night.. maybe he just isn't in to me like I thought he was.. hurts my heart a little.. but if I can get over C then I can get over S.. just sucks that I started to put my guard down and let myself out a little and then this happens so quickly after doing so..

On the other side of the spectrum...

I was thinking about my post yesterday about being scared of the future.. of being scared of falling in love again and trying for babies.. it all terrifies me but I also realized last night that I am terrified of the other side of it too

I'm terrified I'll never find someone.. how is it possible to go thru life with no partner at your side.. no one there to cheer you on or knock some sense into you when you need it. I know that while I'm doing ok being single.. I'd be much happier in a relationship.. not that I'm looking for someone to complete me.. I'm just a social person in the way that I need companionship that only a spouse, lover, significant other can give me.

I'm terrified I'll never have children.. I was sitting at my niece's gymnastics practice last night begging God to please one day grant me a daughter. I would love to be out there with my little girl.. watching her learn new things, having fun doing that kind of stuff.. I love being around children.. I love my nieces and love helping them learn new things and essentially help raise them.. I think I'm meant to be a mother in some shape or form.. I think I'd be good at it and the thought of never finding a husband.. of never having children really scare me.

So I guess I'm totally afraid of every side that could come out of my future.. definitely a dilemma to be in..

Things that Scare Me about the Future

I'm having a down day.. I don't know where ti came from.. just every once in a while I have these days that I live in fear of the future..

I'm terrified of ever loving again.. I want to.. but I keep thinking about how much I loved C.. I would have done anything he asked of me.. and for months after he left the same.. But lately while I still feel love deep in my heart for him.. it's not that mind blowing, can hardly breathe when he is around, want nothing else other than to be with him kind of love that it once was.. it is possible really to fall in and out of love that quickly? I don't know if it's due to the way things went down between me or him.. or maybe I possibly never really loved him the way I thought.. which scares me too because if that wasn't love... what is?

I'm scared of being close to someone again.. putting basically my whole life in their hands, trusting them with my heart.. I did that once and it got shattered.. what if it happens again? How can I possibly trust someone as much as I trusted C again because of the things he did to me.. I know those are my own issues to work out and I have honestly made great strides in it.. but even when I do start getting close to someone I feel the wall starting to come up.. just like everything with S.. I got close.. told him things about me, about my life, and then he kind of just disappears never to be heard of again.. It hurt a little but not nearly as much as if I had put my whole heart into it.. I was already on guard when I met him..

I'm scared of trying for a baby again one day.. I know I have to get over the first two things before that is even an issue but I wonder if I am even meant to be a mother.. I'm scared of trying for years again and nothing.. I'm scared of more losses.. part of my heart already has wings... how much of it can break away and fly until there is nothing left? Will I ever be able to give Shi a living sibling? And again depending on how long it takes to meet someone and then get remarried and then give it a year or so before we start trying.. how old will I be? And again if it takes years? All I ever wanted out of life was a loving husband and a family.. maybe that's not my destiny..

I keep going back to these 2 scriptures:

Moreover [let us also be full of joy now!] let us exult and triumph in our troubles and rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that pressure and affliction and hardship produce patient and unswerving endurance.

Romans 5: 3

For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope.
Jeremiah 29:11


I know he has plans for me.. but my patience is being tried.. his promise is though that if I am patient.. things will become joyous and beautiful for me.. Holding on to so much hope that happens.

Beginning to Realize

Throughout my whole life I have strived to make others happy.. I have put my needs away so that others needs could be met.

At the same time I expected other people to do that for me and rarely was that the case..

I have begun to realize that I have relied my happiness way too much on the way others act. I need to rely on myself for my own happiness.

Since I have started putting myself first.. doing the things I've been wanting to do as opposed to what someone expects of me I have been so much happier.

I am creating myself.. I go to the gym daily.. sometimes multiple times a day and I love it. I have had to give up a few things in order to keep up with it but it's what I wanted to do. I'm sure there have been hurt feelings, some people pissed off at me but this is my life.

I didn't go to my sister in law and my niece's dance recital this weekend because the time interfered with church. I decided I needed to be at church, it was more important to me in that instance and there was a DVD made of the recital so I will eventually see it. I caught a lot of flack for it though. But in the end it's what I wanted and felt I needed at that moment.

I relied so much on C to make me happy.. then I relied so much on having a baby to make me happy (and lately I have even been second guessing ever having kids...) after the separation I didn't have anything to make me happy.. I had to do that alone and it has progressively grown. I always thought I had to be part of a couple to be happy, because I am a nurturing type.. I do like to be there and be needed.. it makes me happy to do something for the person I love.. but at the same time I need to balance making myself happy as well. I want to be in a relationship.. trust me, I do get lonely at times, but I want to be in a relationship for the right reasons.. because I enjoy spending time with that person, because that person adds to my life, not because I'm lonely... not because I need someone to take care of.. or anything like that. And where I thought I would have been ready for a relationship months ago.. I am realizing I am just now figuring out how to do that so hopefully the next relationship I am in will be that much better, that much stronger.. we won't be dependent on each other to meet those needs that we should be able to take care of ourselves.

I ran across a quote the other day that said "If your not happy alone, what makes you think you'd be happy in a relationship" and that's the total truth.. You have to make yourself happy before you throw someone else in the mix and that is exactly what I'm doing.. I am making myself happy.. working on myself before I even worry about throwing someone else in the mix now and it feels so good to put myself first for once.

My Ideal Man

Please know that I realize no man would ever match all of these, but these are some of the things that I'm attracted to that I wouldn't mind seeing in my future man.

- Drives a truck.. perferably a huge truck.. such as a Ford F250... Love those things..

- Has atleast one tattoo.. also on the other side of the spectrum.. does not have so many tattoos you can't tell he is a person.. lol

- Listens to all type of music..

- Has an accent (be it a southern accent, a irish accent, etc.)

- Knows how to treat a woman right.. not saying I need to be treated as a queen or anything like that but I'd like to be wine and dine'd every once in a while

- Needs to realize there are no gender roles.. he can do dishes, laundry and cook just as well as I can, just as I can cut grass and fix the washer machine just as well as he can.

- Likes adventures and traveling.. learning something new, doing something new.

- Christian.. believes in Christ as his almighty and believes in his will.

- Genuinely wants to be with me and spend time with me. Doesn't have to be around always, but enough to know I'm important enough to him to want to spend time with. But I don't want someone super clingy either.

- Loves me for everything about me.. not just one thing.. He can appreciate my beauty and also my smarts.. Doesn't want to change me.

- Knows how to make me laugh and smile when all I want to do is bury myself in a hole.

- Has a bit of scruff on his chin lol

- Likes to be active... especially since my life style is now beginning to be more active and healthy.

That's all I can think of right now.. but I'll add more.. I'm not really all that picky truthfully, some of these are for fun, some of them are really a deal breaker.. I don't need everything on this list.

Here comes the Hottie Parade!

Um.. yummmmmm

Henry Cavill

Luke Bryan and Jason Aldean

Josh Hutcherson

The Wall is up!!

I love it!! Can't wait to get shelves up and my cameras! The house is coming along!