Beginning to Realize

Throughout my whole life I have strived to make others happy.. I have put my needs away so that others needs could be met.

At the same time I expected other people to do that for me and rarely was that the case..

I have begun to realize that I have relied my happiness way too much on the way others act. I need to rely on myself for my own happiness.

Since I have started putting myself first.. doing the things I've been wanting to do as opposed to what someone expects of me I have been so much happier.

I am creating myself.. I go to the gym daily.. sometimes multiple times a day and I love it. I have had to give up a few things in order to keep up with it but it's what I wanted to do. I'm sure there have been hurt feelings, some people pissed off at me but this is my life.

I didn't go to my sister in law and my niece's dance recital this weekend because the time interfered with church. I decided I needed to be at church, it was more important to me in that instance and there was a DVD made of the recital so I will eventually see it. I caught a lot of flack for it though. But in the end it's what I wanted and felt I needed at that moment.

I relied so much on C to make me happy.. then I relied so much on having a baby to make me happy (and lately I have even been second guessing ever having kids...) after the separation I didn't have anything to make me happy.. I had to do that alone and it has progressively grown. I always thought I had to be part of a couple to be happy, because I am a nurturing type.. I do like to be there and be needed.. it makes me happy to do something for the person I love.. but at the same time I need to balance making myself happy as well. I want to be in a relationship.. trust me, I do get lonely at times, but I want to be in a relationship for the right reasons.. because I enjoy spending time with that person, because that person adds to my life, not because I'm lonely... not because I need someone to take care of.. or anything like that. And where I thought I would have been ready for a relationship months ago.. I am realizing I am just now figuring out how to do that so hopefully the next relationship I am in will be that much better, that much stronger.. we won't be dependent on each other to meet those needs that we should be able to take care of ourselves.

I ran across a quote the other day that said "If your not happy alone, what makes you think you'd be happy in a relationship" and that's the total truth.. You have to make yourself happy before you throw someone else in the mix and that is exactly what I'm doing.. I am making myself happy.. working on myself before I even worry about throwing someone else in the mix now and it feels so good to put myself first for once.