Things that Scare Me about the Future

I'm having a down day.. I don't know where ti came from.. just every once in a while I have these days that I live in fear of the future..

I'm terrified of ever loving again.. I want to.. but I keep thinking about how much I loved C.. I would have done anything he asked of me.. and for months after he left the same.. But lately while I still feel love deep in my heart for him.. it's not that mind blowing, can hardly breathe when he is around, want nothing else other than to be with him kind of love that it once was.. it is possible really to fall in and out of love that quickly? I don't know if it's due to the way things went down between me or him.. or maybe I possibly never really loved him the way I thought.. which scares me too because if that wasn't love... what is?

I'm scared of being close to someone again.. putting basically my whole life in their hands, trusting them with my heart.. I did that once and it got shattered.. what if it happens again? How can I possibly trust someone as much as I trusted C again because of the things he did to me.. I know those are my own issues to work out and I have honestly made great strides in it.. but even when I do start getting close to someone I feel the wall starting to come up.. just like everything with S.. I got close.. told him things about me, about my life, and then he kind of just disappears never to be heard of again.. It hurt a little but not nearly as much as if I had put my whole heart into it.. I was already on guard when I met him..

I'm scared of trying for a baby again one day.. I know I have to get over the first two things before that is even an issue but I wonder if I am even meant to be a mother.. I'm scared of trying for years again and nothing.. I'm scared of more losses.. part of my heart already has wings... how much of it can break away and fly until there is nothing left? Will I ever be able to give Shi a living sibling? And again depending on how long it takes to meet someone and then get remarried and then give it a year or so before we start trying.. how old will I be? And again if it takes years? All I ever wanted out of life was a loving husband and a family.. maybe that's not my destiny..

I keep going back to these 2 scriptures:

Moreover [let us also be full of joy now!] let us exult and triumph in our troubles and rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that pressure and affliction and hardship produce patient and unswerving endurance.

Romans 5: 3

For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope.
Jeremiah 29:11


I know he has plans for me.. but my patience is being tried.. his promise is though that if I am patient.. things will become joyous and beautiful for me.. Holding on to so much hope that happens.