Hump Day Hotties

On the board every Wednesday I do Hump Day Hotties. I figured I would start adding the men to my blog too. =) This week we have

Alex O'Loughlin

Mark Wahlberg

Jeffery Dean Morgan

And as always, Gerard Butler

Fun Night

I hadn't planned on doing anything but chilling out at the house, but M texted me wanting to know if I wanted to go out. I was like sure whatever. Well when I got to M's house there was another guy there, let's call him S. S went to school with my older brothers so he knew of me.. and omg is he hot and funny and sweet and all around nice guy. I had so much fun getting to know him. Turns out his mother lives next door to me.. which I had seen him at her house but never talked to him and it took him a while to realize that it was me that in his own words "checks out" everytime I walked out of my house when he was at his moms lol. We went out to a sports bar and chatted for a while before we all headed down to one of the night clubs in town. We were there until close. S and I danced a few times and he bought all my drinks. After that, S,M and I went back to S's house to play some rock band. At some point on the way to his house he was holding my hand. We stayed at his house (which is only like a block away from my house) until 4:30 in the morning.. I had to be to work at 7..

I'm dragging today but it was so worth it. I had so much fun and forgot all about C for a while.

What is wrong with me?

It has been months since the "D" word has made me cry.. Yet as I'm sitting here writing this I have tears in my eyes because someone just asked me when my divorce was going to be final and when I could legally change my name back to my maiden name.. and they made a kinda "yay" sound..

People don't realize that I never wanted this I guess, I guess they think I'll be super happy about it when it comes and yes while I can't wait for it to be over because it means I can truly start moving on with my life, it still hurts, it's not what I wanted, if possible I would go back and fix it, but I can't and doesn't make me jump for joy like some women do. I am still mourning the loss of my marriage. I still struggle with that at times and for some reason right now I am struggling with it. I still have my days.. apparently people think I should be happy at all times..

Throw in the fact that my hormones are crazy right now... I'm sexually fustrated and missing what I use to have.. and then people wanting me to act happy because my life as I knew it has fallen apart in the past 10 months.. it's amazing to me that I'm still standing here and as strong as I have been. I can't be made of rock forever..

The definition of Sexy

Let's think about this for a while. I had this conversation with someone yesterday about what the definition of sexy is.

Being a single girl, it would be nice to find a man that is attracted to me.. it would be nice to be hit on every once in a while by an attractive man..

But also being a bigger woman that does not happen very often if at all. Since C and I split up I have been "hit" on by maybe 3 men.. that sucks lol and does nothing for the self esteem.

So I was thinking about it.. why am I not sexy or why am I not attractive to men of this day and age.. Obviously my weight is an issue.. but when I think about it. I'm a size 16 currently (down from a size 24, the day C walked out) Marilyn Monroe was a size 14, and she is one of the biggest sex icons in America.. so what's the difference? I'm only one size bigger then her but I get no attention where as she had the attention of the president.

The difference is the men of today's society.. they see all these supermodel skinny women on TV and the internet and expect us women to look like the victoria secret angels (not saying that all men are that way but a lot of them are) well why can't we ask for them to look like the Calvin Kline underwear models? Is that fair? it seems like men are more likely to be able to get away with being over weight or not buff where as they want us women to be perfect.

I'm losing weight. I have a goal, and I plan on getting to it. I will get to it. But even if I didn't have a plan.. would I have to lose weight in order to find love, in order for someone to find me attractive? Even if that person himself was over weight and not in the best shape? Seems unfair to me..

I hate the way society is today.

Babies, Babies, Everywhere

Obviously it's no secret that I've always wanted to be a mother. Getting married at a young age I thought I would be a mother at a young age. Then plans fell through.. IF and then a m/c and now a divorce.. sometimes I wonder if I will ever be a mother. I realize I am still very young in today's standards of motherhood, but by my age all the women in my family had atleast one, if not more kids and I kind of feel like the old maid at times.

I'm trying to enjoy my young 20s but the want of children creeps up on me every now and again, especially when I think about what I should have had now, but was taken away from me. And especially when it seems like everyone around me is pregnant or having babies, or talking about babies..

I had me a pity party on the board last night about it, one of the ladies there mentioned maybe doing a single parent IVF. At the age I am, even though that is an option I wouldn't do it right now. I hope to find my prince charming some day, I hope to have babies in a two parent household with love surrounding them from both a mother and father. But I have definitely thought about this option for when I get older. I have an age in my head that if I am still single by then, I will be trying to go through this process. I plan on being a mother some how, some way, with or without a man in my life.

For now though, I try to be the typical 22 year old college student, hang out with friends and meet new people, never know.. one of them may be my prince charming.

Satisfaction

It's nice to be the one getting the last laugh for once. C texted me.. figures since I talked about how we hadn't talked in a while.. always seems to work that way. I could tell there was something he wanted to tell me, by one the fact that out of the blue he texted me and two by his questions..

There once was a time where I would have died to know what was going on, that by the subtle hints he gave me I would want to know what was up. But really yesterday when he texted me I didn't even probe further to find out what it was. I care about him, but I don't really care what he is up to if that makes sense. I of course want him to be ok, but the going ons in his life have really nothing to do with me anymore and frankly I'm not as nosy about it as I use to be. So I just kept the conversation short and sweet. Told him it was nice to talk to him and I hoped he was doing well.. ending it at that.

Again this morning he texted me.. just reassuring what I already knew.. he had something he wanted to tell me.. 2 days straight of texting me.. must be super important.. again I didn't budge.. just the friendly hi, how are you? type conversation. He asked me how I had been and if anything was new in my life.. ahh here is his gateway in order to telling me what's going on. I tell him I've been hanging out with some friends, doing some things at the house and going to the beach and left it at that. He then proceeds to tell me what's new in his life, which I know he hates that I didn't ask, and he hates the fact that I didn't react to it. I told him that was nice. He says yeah, I think so and that's pretty much the end of our conversation.

So nice to be on the other side of the cloth in this.

The art of being Free

C came by the shop yesterday. He actually had texted me Sunday (much to my surprise) to tell me Happy Mother's Day. I figured he had forgotten or was going to be a prick and pretend that Shi never happened, that I'm not the mother of his angel baby.. luckily though I think he thinks about her a lot and wishes she was here as much as I do. He would have been a good father I think. But anyway. I told him Thanks and left it at that. As I said before I'm not talking to him much these days. I love this freeing feeling, knowing that he no longer can control my emotions, he no longer has that hold on me.

As I was saying though, he came by yesterday to drop off some supplies. Usually this sends flutters through my stomach (much to my dismay) and leaves me wanting to talk to him more, to make sure he hasn't forgotten me and all the memories we had. But yesterday was different.. I felt indifferent to him being there. I didn't mind that he was there, I wasn't angry that he was there (been that way in the past) or happy that he was there, him being there did not bring me to my knees or make my heart ache, he was just there. I really felt nothing.

I love that I can look at him now and not really feel that ache. I love that if I happen to run into him in public I can go about my business. Now if only August can hurry up and get here so we can make it official.

I was telling my SIL that I think still deep inside I do feel love for him, he was my first love, my husband, my first everything, he is Shi's father and as I have said before I will love him for that if nothing else cause he helped me create an angel. But it's not that deep in love feeling there once was, it's not that weak in the knees feeling anymore. I can honestly say that I am free from him and so ready to move on with my life.

Scared of the Future

After writing yesterday's post I ran into C's uncle. We had a nice talk. I love him and his family to death and really miss seeing them. But it did tug at the heart strings.. and on my way home last night all I could think about was how I really don't want to go through this pain again.. how I don't know if I could handle the heart break. Granted I'm doing well and really proud of who I am becoming but it still hurts at times...

I think of how much of a sham my marriage was.. I don't trust anything that was said to me by C now.. going as far back as to when we started dating, I second guess every kiss, every hug, everytime we were together. I second guess every I love you.. He started dating a girl 2 weeks after we split.. as if I was nothing.. as if 7 years could be forgotton and it really makes me wonder how much those 7 years meant to him.. and it kills me to say that I really don't know if they meant anything.

This terrifies me of the future.. like I said, I know I can't plan the future and I don't want to. But I also know I don't want to be alone forever.. but then I think about all this.. and I wonder if it's better off to be alone than to put myself in this situation of possibly being hurt like this again.

I'm worried I'm already going to have trust issues after everything and I'm trying to overcome that but everytime I think about C and what our life was.. just scares the bejeesus out of me that it could happen again.. I just don't want to hurt this much ever again..

I wonder if it is even possible to have loved and lost (in a shitty ass way that make your question every motive, every thought, everything) and then love again....

I hope so.. but right now I'm skeptical...

If I've learned anything..

If I've learned anything this year (and the previous years) it's that you can't really plan the future. You can have a tentative plan, but more often than not things are not going to go that way.

If things had gone the way I planned from the beginning (i.e. when I moved out of the house and enter "adulthood") things would be so much different for me. If I had gotten pregnant when we decided we were ready to start trying I would have a 3 year old now.. that blows my mind.. I can not imagine myself with a three year old and I wonder if that means we were really ready or not. If it had happened I would have loved it. I would have been a mommy, a very happy one, that child would be my everything. But just to think that could have been my life.. it kind of freaks me out that at this moment I don't know if I would be prepared for a 3 year old, granted I would have worked up to it and had 3 years to prepare.. lol but still. Funny how life works.

If things had gone the way I planned, I would not be going through a divorce at the moment.. While it sucks to be going through a divorce and having all this pain.. I can honestly say that I'm getting to the point where I know it's for the best and I feel good about it. Every once in a while a pang of hurt runs through my heart but I can honestly say that to my surprise I am happy. I miss him, I miss being part of a couple, I miss feeling loved.. but I am happy with where I am, content I guess you can say.

If things had gone the way I planned, my little Shiloh Rose would still be here with me. I'd have a beautiful 14 month old baby girl.. that I would be a single mother to. I would love to have my baby girl here with me. But it scares me that I would have been raising her on my own. I recently watched my 20 month old niece for the day. I loved it, we went shopping, had a lot of fun. I kinda pretending like she was mine for the day.. lol then came the time that I had to get ready for my other niece's birthday party and I panicked.. What do I do with a 20 month old when I'm taking a shower? When I'm the only one at the house.. how do I keep her occupied without her getting hurt? This I imagine is the life of any mother, but a single mother especially. I had to call in reinforcements.. I called my sister in law to see if she could watch her while I took a shower. I thought about if Shi was really here, what would I do? I wouldn't be able to call my sister in law every time I needed a shower.. I know mothers do this all the time and I would have adapted by now, but the fact that I had no one it seemed really scared me. How could I have been a good mother? I wish my baby was here.. but I know I wouldn't have been able to give her the life she so deserved as a single mother.. but then again.. if she had been born maybe I wouldn't have been a single mother, maybe C wouldn't have left, maybe things would have been different.. Maybe we would have been happy together. lol a lot of Maybes

I can't say I don't have regrets, but I do think my life is where it is suppose to be. My life could have been so much different. I planned for it to be different. But alas here I am. A mother to an angel baby and a divorcee.. who is finally figuring out who she really is in the world.. and is actually starting to feel comfortable in her own skin. I always counted on other people (especially C) to make me feel important in this world.. to make me feel special. But I know without them, I am special alone and I can make myself feel that way. I'm a unique person.. sometimes too goofy, sometimes too serious.. but I am me, and I am so glad that I am finally getting to know the REAL me, not the me that everyone else has created. I have always seemed to mold myself to the people around me, that K no longer exists.. being single has brought out the real me, and I've decided that if others don't like the real me.. that is there problem. I'm no longer going to change who I am for someone else. The people that belong in my life.. are the ones who love me for who I really am. It has taken me almost 23 years to figure that out, but I did and I am so glad that I have.

Updates

Since my post from last night didn't really update you as to what is going on in my life and it had been over a month since I posted anything until last night, let me catch you up with what is happening.

I haven't been to church group in almost a month.. I am going back this week though cause I miss it. I have been hanging out with another group on Thursday nights and while they are fun to hang out with it's not very fulfilling where as church group is. So I'm excited about this week and going back.

M the guy I met at church.. dropped off the face of the earth for a week or so about 3 weeks ago and since then we haven't talked as much as we had before. It upset me. I was very upset because he was the one guy since C that I had opened up to and felt like I could be myself around. But I got over it quickly, there is no reason for me to wallow in self pity over a guy who pretends like I mean something, so other then a few quick texts here and there we don't talk.

J was another guy I met, through M, and I still talk to him. He is an awesome friend but I don't see him as any more than that and I thought I kinda had an attraction to him but I figured out that it was just cause he liked me and was giving me attention (Got to stop that trend of thinking, working on it). It's nice to have a friend though that is going through the same thing (his divorce will be finalized this week) to talk to. That understands where I'm coming from when I say that I'll always love C in some form. He gets it, he feels the same way about his ex wife.

And C, what to say about him. I haven't talked to him much in the past couple of weeks. Every once in a while he will text me. I deleted his number from my phone so if we talk it's cause he texted me. I actually try to ignore him the best I can, he knows (unfortunately) what to say to get me to talk.. he plays on my weaknesses and fears. But I am proud that I have gotten to the point where I can delete a text from him without reading it. That I can go days without thinking about him, that I find myself leaving him in the past and looking towards the future.

Since all this going on in my life I've realized something about myself. I have decided to not worry about finding a man, when it's meant to be, it will happen. Right now I'm focusing more on myself. Figuring out how to get through school faster. Figuring out who I am. Working on losing the weight I want to. I feel my confidence growing and I always heard that guys dig women with confidence. I see it all the time lol. I'm getting there. I am truly becoming ok with being alone. It was hard at first but now it's second nature. I'm ok with it, I'm ok with going out somewhere alone, I'm ok with keeping myself entertained, less worried about the big ole world swallowing me up. I'm finding my place in it.

Hmm..

It's interesting how much I've changed in the past 9 months since C walked out. I have gone from a weeping mess doing anything for him to come back.. many times falling for his games, his acts, his saying he wants to come home just for me to be hurt over and over again by him to this woman who can go days without thinking about him, this woman who is beginning to know exactly who she is, this woman who knows that she does not need a man in her life to be happy.

The past month or so I have smiled more than I have in years, I have laughed harder than I have in years, I have put myself out there to meet new people and tried new things more than I have in years. Though I am still shy I can feel the inner social butterfly finally coming out and I love it. I've always wanted to be the girl that could make friends with anyone, but always worried about how other people felt about that. But I'm getting to the point where my confidence radiates and that even if someone feels uncomfortable at first I know how to make them comfortable. I love this person I am.. I have become.. the person that was always there. I vow to never let another man shield this side of me. I love myself.