C came by the shop yesterday. He actually had texted me Sunday (much to my surprise) to tell me Happy Mother's Day. I figured he had forgotten or was going to be a prick and pretend that Shi never happened, that I'm not the mother of his angel baby.. luckily though I think he thinks about her a lot and wishes she was here as much as I do. He would have been a good father I think. But anyway. I told him Thanks and left it at that. As I said before I'm not talking to him much these days. I love this freeing feeling, knowing that he no longer can control my emotions, he no longer has that hold on me.
As I was saying though, he came by yesterday to drop off some supplies. Usually this sends flutters through my stomach (much to my dismay) and leaves me wanting to talk to him more, to make sure he hasn't forgotten me and all the memories we had. But yesterday was different.. I felt indifferent to him being there. I didn't mind that he was there, I wasn't angry that he was there (been that way in the past) or happy that he was there, him being there did not bring me to my knees or make my heart ache, he was just there. I really felt nothing.
I love that I can look at him now and not really feel that ache. I love that if I happen to run into him in public I can go about my business. Now if only August can hurry up and get here so we can make it official.
I was telling my SIL that I think still deep inside I do feel love for him, he was my first love, my husband, my first everything, he is Shi's father and as I have said before I will love him for that if nothing else cause he helped me create an angel. But it's not that deep in love feeling there once was, it's not that weak in the knees feeling anymore. I can honestly say that I am free from him and so ready to move on with my life.
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