After writing yesterday's post I ran into C's uncle. We had a nice talk. I love him and his family to death and really miss seeing them. But it did tug at the heart strings.. and on my way home last night all I could think about was how I really don't want to go through this pain again.. how I don't know if I could handle the heart break. Granted I'm doing well and really proud of who I am becoming but it still hurts at times...
I think of how much of a sham my marriage was.. I don't trust anything that was said to me by C now.. going as far back as to when we started dating, I second guess every kiss, every hug, everytime we were together. I second guess every I love you.. He started dating a girl 2 weeks after we split.. as if I was nothing.. as if 7 years could be forgotton and it really makes me wonder how much those 7 years meant to him.. and it kills me to say that I really don't know if they meant anything.
This terrifies me of the future.. like I said, I know I can't plan the future and I don't want to. But I also know I don't want to be alone forever.. but then I think about all this.. and I wonder if it's better off to be alone than to put myself in this situation of possibly being hurt like this again.
I'm worried I'm already going to have trust issues after everything and I'm trying to overcome that but everytime I think about C and what our life was.. just scares the bejeesus out of me that it could happen again.. I just don't want to hurt this much ever again..
I wonder if it is even possible to have loved and lost (in a shitty ass way that make your question every motive, every thought, everything) and then love again....
I hope so.. but right now I'm skeptical...
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