Goodbye to 2011

2011 you have truly sucked.. between you and 2010 I'm surprised I made it through it all.

I am so glad to see that the end is coming close. I have so much hope for 2012. 2010 and 2011 both have brought me to my knees.. I lost my baby in July 2010.. I lost my sister in law in October 2010.. in Feb 2011 my grandfather died.. and in August of 2011, C walked out of our home.

So much loss in my life these past two years, but somehow I have managed to come out a more caring, more passionate, kinder person. I am much stronger then I was.

Last night was one of the hardest nights in a long time. I don't know why.. I don't know what brought it on. All I wanted was for C to come home and hold me and tell me everything would be ok.. but he didn't, in fact he ignored my text when I told him that I was in a bad place, even though he had been talking to me not 5 mins before. I realized last night that I can't count on him anymore, I might have never been able to. I love him, I care for him, but for my own sake I have to let him go.. I have to figure out a way to live my life without him more then I have been doing lately.. I was doing very very well.. I hadn't talked to him in over a month at one point, but he texted me one day and since then we have talked almost every day and there are days that I just go home and cry. I can't do this anymore. I called the Clerk of Court today. I found out what all I needed to file for divorce and I am working on getting everything together. C thinks he still has a hold on me and he kinda does, but once he is served with them divorce papers he is going to wake up and realize that he has lost the best thing that he ever had.

I made it through last night (obviously) thanks to some of the wonderful people I have met on TTCAL. Without those ladies I don't know what I would do. It amazes me how some people that I have never met IRL can be some of my best friends and the people I lean on. They have been there for me through everything and I can't thank them enough. I pray that 2012 brings them all their take home babies.

Well enough with my ramblings.. my resolution is to try to at least write in here once a week. Lets see how that goes lol.

4 months..

I've been a bad blogger.. but as it usually does, life got in the way.. between school and work, I've been completely crazy. The semester is almost over, I've already signed up for next semester's classes and I'm so proud of myself for making it thru the first one, I'm so proud that despite everything I've had going against me I am making my dream come true.

Today is 4 months since my life changed.. 4 months since C walked out those doors, since he told me that he didn't think we should be together anymore. Last night I was really struggling. I had seen him earlier that day, when he came by the shop to drop off some supplies and that was not the man I married.. that was not the man I fell in love with so long ago.. he has become a shell of his former self and that makes my heart hurt. I fear he may have gotten in with some bad people and some bad things, I wish there was something I could do but he chose this life, he decided that this is what he wanted and sometimes we have to live with the consequences..

Everyday I grow a little stronger.. I have my days, but all in all I'm a much happier, much "spunkier" person. I laugh and smile more, I actually find myself checking myself out in the mirror (oo la la =P). For a woman who use to think that she was so fat and ugly, I actually find myself thinking I am pretty, I am getting there.

I am still losing weight.. kinda stuck at 35lbs but I am down 4 pants sizes so far and the ones I'm wearing are feeling loose. I'm becoming the person I want to be.. I'm becoming the person I have always been.