I just looked at my post from last New Years and I had ended it with "Maybe 2013 will be the best yet" and you know what.. for once I can actually say that the past year of my life has been probably the best yet. Not to say some bad things didn't happen but the good far outway the bad.
For one my divorce was finalized, after nearly 2 years.
Two.. I learned more about myself and who I am a person. Figured out more of what I want in life and I am taking the bull by the horns in working towards my goals and dreams.
And three.. I met the man of my dreams.
For the next year I have some things I want to do.. resolutions I guess you can say even though I don't really like that word I guess that is what they are lol.
Of course losing weight is always on my list.. but this year I'm not going to really stress over that. I am going to eat better, exercise more and let what happens happen.
Mainly my goals this year are more spiritual, soul inspiring, just general things that will make me happier in life and with myself as a person.
- Become closer to God: God and I have had our ups and downs. There have been times that I completely relied on him and prayer to get me thru tough times, and there have been time when I have been so angry for him letting something bad happen. But as I get older I realize that in order for great and wonderful things to happen you have to go thru some tough times. My boyfriend's family is very religious, not the bible thumping, you're a sinner for having tattoos, etc, type, but they do go to church regularly, they pray at every meal, and I have seen how that all can bring families together. My goal this year is to become more like that. To go to church as many times as I can, to read my bible (because I have never actually read all the way thru) and to just live in the holy spirit and believe and accept the things I can not change. I have seen God's work and I would like to be a part of that I guess you can say. I have seen prayer keep families together, I have seen prayer helps couples and I would love for my relationship to be deeply rooted in God.
- Get the intership in VA: My boyfriend has pretty much landed a awesome internship up in VA for his chosen major over the summer. The thought of being without him for 10 weeks kills me.. I know there are people out there that deal with this type of thing all the time due to work, or military, or whatever and I truly admire you all. I am sure I could do it if I had to but I really don't have to.. as long as I get the internship I'm looking at over the summer as well up there. VA is awesome for Graphic Design, a lot of openings, which will be great when I do graduate and we move up there permentantly.
- Get my half sleeve done: This is just something I want. Art is a huge part of my life and I've been wanting this for a long time but have been putting it off. This year I will have it done.
- Take atleast 365 pictures.. Kinda like a picture a day I guess but I'm not going to put that pressure on myself because some days I won't have time to go out and shoot. But I do want a "yearbook" of this year. And I will be doing exactly that, taking my favorite 365 pictures of the year and putting them into a book on shutterfly or something like that. I think it will be a cool tradition to start.
- Read 50 books. I would say more but time is precious when you are a graphic design major AND a fine arts major.. sometimes I just don't have enough time in the day.
- Take 2 Trips: I already have one planned for October but I have to try to think of another one. I want to travel more, have new experiences and of course be able to expand my photo collection to more than just the county I live in.
- Become more financially sound: by the end of the year I want to have a pretty nice "nest egg" I guess you can say.
-Blog more: I say it every year but really I need to, my therapist even agrees that me writing is theraputic for me and since I've been struggling with my depression again I need everything that can help.
Well that is pretty much the big ones, there are quite a few little ones that I will be working on too. Hopefully my next NYE post will be saying that I did all of these and more!
Tuesday, December 31, 2013
Wednesday, November 20, 2013
Demons
I still have them.. and they won't go away.
I still lie awake at night. Still wonder who could possibly love me and why..
I look at L(my boyfriend) and wonder how someone as wonderful as him could possibly see anything worth anything in me.
I worry that one day he will wake up and realize he can do better.
I hate that I feel this way..
I hate that after everything I've been thru I still don't believe to be treated like a normal human being, that needs love, that wants love, that deserves the best.
C has left many scars... many that have been healed and somewhat erased.. but that one still cuts deep.. that insecurity that he instilled in me.. that I couldn't do better then him still haunts me daily.. that I'm not good enough for anyone.. that anyone that is with me is being so out of pity..
I'm not going to lie and say that it hasn't caused some problems between L and I. I come across as this woman who has a high self esteem.. but he has seen the real me.. he has held me at night as I cry.. he has answered the many questions of doubt (repeatedly.. ) and has become annoyed at it. He has told me he wished I had better self esteem.. and He's not the only one who wishes that..
The fact that he is still here does speak volumes for me... but there is still that nagging feeling in my back of my head.. still waiting for the ball to drop.. and I hate that. I don't want to feel this way anymore.. but I don't really know what to do about it.
I don't know how to change 20ish years of bad body image.. or how to undo 9 years of a mentally and emotionally abusive relationship... I don't even know where to start..
I still lie awake at night. Still wonder who could possibly love me and why..
I look at L(my boyfriend) and wonder how someone as wonderful as him could possibly see anything worth anything in me.
I worry that one day he will wake up and realize he can do better.
I hate that I feel this way..
I hate that after everything I've been thru I still don't believe to be treated like a normal human being, that needs love, that wants love, that deserves the best.
C has left many scars... many that have been healed and somewhat erased.. but that one still cuts deep.. that insecurity that he instilled in me.. that I couldn't do better then him still haunts me daily.. that I'm not good enough for anyone.. that anyone that is with me is being so out of pity..
I'm not going to lie and say that it hasn't caused some problems between L and I. I come across as this woman who has a high self esteem.. but he has seen the real me.. he has held me at night as I cry.. he has answered the many questions of doubt (repeatedly.. ) and has become annoyed at it. He has told me he wished I had better self esteem.. and He's not the only one who wishes that..
The fact that he is still here does speak volumes for me... but there is still that nagging feeling in my back of my head.. still waiting for the ball to drop.. and I hate that. I don't want to feel this way anymore.. but I don't really know what to do about it.
I don't know how to change 20ish years of bad body image.. or how to undo 9 years of a mentally and emotionally abusive relationship... I don't even know where to start..
Monday, November 11, 2013
The "M" word
He said it this weekend..
It all started with a joke, he was going on and on about his coat and I decided to joke around and be 5 again...
"Well if you like it so much why don't you marry it??"
his response?
"Because I'd rather marry you"
Cue total bewildered look..
The thought of marriage in the past few years has scared the hell out of me. How could I trust someone again so much to want to spend the rest of my life with them. C really damaged me in that. He killed all trust I had.. and anytime someone mentioned me getting remarried again one day I scoffed it off and said it probably won't happen. But since I've met him.. my whole tune has changed. I totally see myself marrying him one day... key word.. ONE DAY. We have talked about it before this weekend, but he never outright said the word. Anytime we talked about our future it was about.. when we move here, when we are living together officially, etc. It was never.. when we get married. The bewildered look was more of the fact that I didn't have a mini panic attack when he said it.. instead I embraced it and smiled.. maybe even blushed a little.
That doesn't mean I want to get married tomorrow though and I believe he understands that. I think he knows I need time, that's why he hasn't said that word before even though it had been implied. But he kinda sealed the deal with it this weekend. To prove to me that he is in this for the long haul.. that this isn't just a fling to him.. and I think he said it because he tends to know me better than I know myself.. he knew I needed to hear that, that reassurance that he wants to be here.
I love him more than I have ever loved anyone. Even C. Even only after 3.5 months.. I know he is the one.. I just wasn't sure if he thought I was the one but he stepped out of his comfort zone as well to tell me that I am in his own way.. he took my joke and ran with it.
And you know what.. I'm not scared to think about it anymore. About the future. About getting married again.. because I know this time that I am making the right decision with the right man.
It all started with a joke, he was going on and on about his coat and I decided to joke around and be 5 again...
"Well if you like it so much why don't you marry it??"
his response?
"Because I'd rather marry you"
Cue total bewildered look..
The thought of marriage in the past few years has scared the hell out of me. How could I trust someone again so much to want to spend the rest of my life with them. C really damaged me in that. He killed all trust I had.. and anytime someone mentioned me getting remarried again one day I scoffed it off and said it probably won't happen. But since I've met him.. my whole tune has changed. I totally see myself marrying him one day... key word.. ONE DAY. We have talked about it before this weekend, but he never outright said the word. Anytime we talked about our future it was about.. when we move here, when we are living together officially, etc. It was never.. when we get married. The bewildered look was more of the fact that I didn't have a mini panic attack when he said it.. instead I embraced it and smiled.. maybe even blushed a little.
That doesn't mean I want to get married tomorrow though and I believe he understands that. I think he knows I need time, that's why he hasn't said that word before even though it had been implied. But he kinda sealed the deal with it this weekend. To prove to me that he is in this for the long haul.. that this isn't just a fling to him.. and I think he said it because he tends to know me better than I know myself.. he knew I needed to hear that, that reassurance that he wants to be here.
I love him more than I have ever loved anyone. Even C. Even only after 3.5 months.. I know he is the one.. I just wasn't sure if he thought I was the one but he stepped out of his comfort zone as well to tell me that I am in his own way.. he took my joke and ran with it.
And you know what.. I'm not scared to think about it anymore. About the future. About getting married again.. because I know this time that I am making the right decision with the right man.
Friday, August 16, 2013
Me and We Time
In my last post I talked about how my new man seemed to know exactly what to say and when to say it, and is able to handle my crazy emotions like no one else can.
Turns out he was winging it, he asked me if what he did the other night when I was freaking out was the right thing, he said he didn't quite know what I needed so he just did what felt right. Which seriously made me laugh. I think that is what is making me fall more and more in love with him. We don't even really have to try at this relationship. We can just be..
We are on the same page about nearly everything, we enjoy spending time with each other and we do spend a lot of time with each other, but its not overbearing to either of us. Especially I think because we aren't really on the same work schedule so even though we are seeing each other every day/night, we are still getting plenty of "me" time in between which is amazing because with C there was no "me" time, it was work time and then "us" time. I think for a relationship to truly be the healthiest it can possibly be.. at least in the beginning stages.. you have to still make time for yourself and your hobbies. I have time to still go to the gym, work on my photography and then look forward to when he gets off work so I can see him.
And when we are together we don't even have to talk. Just being near each other puts the biggest smiles on our faces. Forget butterflies.. I have a whole Zoo in my tummy when he is around.
He makes me so happy
And he tells me that he hopes that we are in each others lives for a long time..
And he sends me sweet little texts randomly during the day just letting me know how much he cares for me...
He is honestly the guy version of me.. which it is amazing to look at someone and see pretty much a mirror of yourself. I've never had that before.
Turns out he was winging it, he asked me if what he did the other night when I was freaking out was the right thing, he said he didn't quite know what I needed so he just did what felt right. Which seriously made me laugh. I think that is what is making me fall more and more in love with him. We don't even really have to try at this relationship. We can just be..
We are on the same page about nearly everything, we enjoy spending time with each other and we do spend a lot of time with each other, but its not overbearing to either of us. Especially I think because we aren't really on the same work schedule so even though we are seeing each other every day/night, we are still getting plenty of "me" time in between which is amazing because with C there was no "me" time, it was work time and then "us" time. I think for a relationship to truly be the healthiest it can possibly be.. at least in the beginning stages.. you have to still make time for yourself and your hobbies. I have time to still go to the gym, work on my photography and then look forward to when he gets off work so I can see him.
And when we are together we don't even have to talk. Just being near each other puts the biggest smiles on our faces. Forget butterflies.. I have a whole Zoo in my tummy when he is around.
He makes me so happy
And he tells me that he hopes that we are in each others lives for a long time..
And he sends me sweet little texts randomly during the day just letting me know how much he cares for me...
He is honestly the guy version of me.. which it is amazing to look at someone and see pretty much a mirror of yourself. I've never had that before.
Thursday, August 15, 2013
Vulnerable
Since everything happened between C and I, I have had a problem opening up to people, to being vulnerable.
It is a defense mechanism.. when someone or something hurts you that much you try to avoid that hurt again at all cost, even if it means completely shutting people out..
I did that for such a long time, and I admit that I still do that..
That is why the relationship I am in scares the hell out of me, as well as makes me the happiest I have ever been..
The walls completely came down, within a few hours of him and I talking... never before had I felt so safe.. so comfortable with someone.. never before had I given that much of myself emotionally and mentally to someone that quickly.. even with C it took months for him to break that barrier.
But with this man.. I can be myself.. I can show all parts of myself.. even my vulnerable sides.. and I know that he won't take advantage of them.. and he will love me no matter what.
I had a mini freak out last night thinking about how much of myself I have already shown him and given him.. how much of myself I have already put into this and he held me.. calmed me down, and straight talked to me telling me how it was, how he felt and honestly that's what I needed. I needed his rationality, I need him to be straight forward, not to sugar coat.. it amazes me that he knows how to handle that side of me.. no one has ever been able to, everyone has always tried to coddle me when I was being that way. And sometimes that works, but most the time I just need to be sat down and set straight.
This is totally new territory for me and I am loving it.
It is a defense mechanism.. when someone or something hurts you that much you try to avoid that hurt again at all cost, even if it means completely shutting people out..
I did that for such a long time, and I admit that I still do that..
That is why the relationship I am in scares the hell out of me, as well as makes me the happiest I have ever been..
The walls completely came down, within a few hours of him and I talking... never before had I felt so safe.. so comfortable with someone.. never before had I given that much of myself emotionally and mentally to someone that quickly.. even with C it took months for him to break that barrier.
But with this man.. I can be myself.. I can show all parts of myself.. even my vulnerable sides.. and I know that he won't take advantage of them.. and he will love me no matter what.
I had a mini freak out last night thinking about how much of myself I have already shown him and given him.. how much of myself I have already put into this and he held me.. calmed me down, and straight talked to me telling me how it was, how he felt and honestly that's what I needed. I needed his rationality, I need him to be straight forward, not to sugar coat.. it amazes me that he knows how to handle that side of me.. no one has ever been able to, everyone has always tried to coddle me when I was being that way. And sometimes that works, but most the time I just need to be sat down and set straight.
This is totally new territory for me and I am loving it.
Wednesday, August 14, 2013
2 months... 2 years... New beginnings.. Happy Me
Wow it has been two months since I've written. I honestly try to keep up with this.. but sometimes I feel like I am saying the same things over and over again.. my life had become a constant routine and if I'm bored with it I am sure anyone who happens to read this is as well.
But some things have happened in the past two months..
For one.. still in school.. actually start Fall semester tomorrow! Yay I am so excited!! lol I was always the nerd in school. The one who counted down the days of summer until I went back to school and dreaded the last few days of school before summer let out. My "summer" was only two weeks long this time but I spent almost every day of those two weeks at work and I would much rather be at school... plus I love what I am in school for... ART! On that note.. I have added another degree to my schooling.. Graphic Design and I start that degree tomorrow, I'm nervous but so excited!! I can't wait to embark on this journey and see where it goes..
August 1st was two years since C left.. I honestly didn't dwell on it at all.. I didn't even think about it because I woke up that morning in the arms of another man that I had been talking to, a man that had asked me in the early morning before we fell asleep to be his girlfriend.. so yes.. I do have a boyfriend.. and yes we started dating on what was the 2 year anniversary of my separation from C. I can't think of a better way honestly to change what that date meant. It no longer means the end of a relationship to me but the beginning of another.
He is amazing.. surprisingly younger.. I'm pretty sure I had sworn off younger men several times over this whole thing but he is different. Despite him being 3 years younger than me he is one of the most mature men I have even known. He is sweet, caring, country boy but with his own style.. in essence he is the guy version of me and I couldn't be happier, we have so much in common it's almost scary and we have spent the past few weeks together constantly.. only 3 nights have we not been together and we haven't gotten tired of each other in the least bit..
I have found that I am already in love with him... just two months ago I was swearing off guys indefinitely and now I totally feel at ease with my possible future with him. It feels so natural and I'm the happiest.. truly the happiest I've ever been, even happier than I was during the good times with C. I finally found someone that I can be myself around and be accepted and that loves me for me. I can't wait to see how this plays out. I will most definitely keep you up to day on it :)
But some things have happened in the past two months..
For one.. still in school.. actually start Fall semester tomorrow! Yay I am so excited!! lol I was always the nerd in school. The one who counted down the days of summer until I went back to school and dreaded the last few days of school before summer let out. My "summer" was only two weeks long this time but I spent almost every day of those two weeks at work and I would much rather be at school... plus I love what I am in school for... ART! On that note.. I have added another degree to my schooling.. Graphic Design and I start that degree tomorrow, I'm nervous but so excited!! I can't wait to embark on this journey and see where it goes..
August 1st was two years since C left.. I honestly didn't dwell on it at all.. I didn't even think about it because I woke up that morning in the arms of another man that I had been talking to, a man that had asked me in the early morning before we fell asleep to be his girlfriend.. so yes.. I do have a boyfriend.. and yes we started dating on what was the 2 year anniversary of my separation from C. I can't think of a better way honestly to change what that date meant. It no longer means the end of a relationship to me but the beginning of another.
He is amazing.. surprisingly younger.. I'm pretty sure I had sworn off younger men several times over this whole thing but he is different. Despite him being 3 years younger than me he is one of the most mature men I have even known. He is sweet, caring, country boy but with his own style.. in essence he is the guy version of me and I couldn't be happier, we have so much in common it's almost scary and we have spent the past few weeks together constantly.. only 3 nights have we not been together and we haven't gotten tired of each other in the least bit..
I have found that I am already in love with him... just two months ago I was swearing off guys indefinitely and now I totally feel at ease with my possible future with him. It feels so natural and I'm the happiest.. truly the happiest I've ever been, even happier than I was during the good times with C. I finally found someone that I can be myself around and be accepted and that loves me for me. I can't wait to see how this plays out. I will most definitely keep you up to day on it :)
Saturday, June 1, 2013
Falling in Love
Lately I've been falling in love...
With who you ask?
Myself :)
That's right.. After all those years of self hate.. Those years of picking apart my flaws, my body, my insecurities.. For once I find used loving myself.. Despite all those things.. The weird thing is.. It pretty much came out of no where..
I haven't lost weight.. Actually to be brutally honest.. I've gained weight.. I was down to 250ish about 2 months ago.. And now I'm back to hovering around 260.. But I'm happy.. I put on a bikini today.. Me! Fat girl!! Haha and honestly thought about rocking it tomorrow at the water park. But I don't think the world is ready for that much sexy yet ;)
But in all honesty.. I have four two amazing role models.. Tess Munester and Jes from the Militant Baker.. Look them both up.. You will fall in love with them too.. I admit I have total chick crushes on them both. Haha they have proven to me that you don't have to be a stick to be fabulous. They are both so amazingly beautiful and confident and straight to the point. I strive to be like them one day. And this newfound love of myself and my body is putting me in that direction.
And let me tell you.. This newfound confidence.. Has totally caught the eyes of some very yummy men in the past few weeks ;) I'm telling you.. Confidence is everything. I wish I had figured that out a long time ago.
Wednesday, May 15, 2013
Hump Day Hotties 5/15/13
Tim is like a fine wine and just keeps getting better with age!
Oh Ryan... Yumm..
Tuesday, May 14, 2013
Open to Love Again
To say my love life has been one drama filled mess after another is an understatement. And because of that I have been trying to avoid dating and have been shutting that part of my heart off..
To recap my love life real quick..
C- 7 years.. married 2.. cheated on me and got another woman pregnant
S - Got really close.. found out I was divorced.. disappeared..
T - Found out he had 3 girls all by the same name he was talking to...
L - Tried to make me the other woman.. told me that him and his wife were separated..then found out they weren't, that they were splitting up... in 8 months.. and wants me to wait for him.. ummm no I have better things to do with my life than wait for something that will probably never happen.
^ Drama... For some reason I attract these people and have no idea why.. so I shut it out.. no more dating.. no more chasing.. no more anything. I'm tired of the lies from men.. I'm tired of being an option.. I'm just tired of all the bullshit. And this doesn't even count all the guys I've talked to.. these are just the ones that I really did have feelings for in some shape of form that could have gone the distance until I found out what was really going on or in S's case he couldn't handle his own baggage from his parents divorce to realize that my divorce was different than theirs.
Inside I am a hopeless romantic.. I have always been.. but part of me is a realist.. and part of me thinks that those great loves that last forever.. where you are hopelessly in love with your soul mate.. are flukes... a one in a million chance of happening.. of you actually finding someone who makes you wake up with butterflies in your tummy the rest of your life.. who makes you fall more in love with them daily.. who you can settle any fight with giggles and smiles.. I'm not stupid.. I know that these loves have their problems too.. but they are willing to work it out because they genuinely want to be with this person.. they have genuinely found their perfect match.. and I really wonder if there is someone out there like that for everyone.. or like I said.. a fluke.
In all honesty.. I have been preparing myself for being single the rest of my life lately.. I just couldn't picture me being happy again forever with another person.. yeah possibly being a serial dater (which is hard for me to admit because I have never been able to see myself that way until recently) but never fully committing my heart to someone again.. because lets face it.. I've been let down by so many people in my life.. not just in the dating realm but in all aspects of my life.. and the only person that hasn't let me down recently.. is myself.
But despite all that.. I really miss being in love.. I really miss having someone to talk to.. someone there for me.. someone who wants to be with me just as much as I want to be with them..
So on a whim the other night.. and probably because I was ill with L.. I signed up yet again for an online dating website.. with no intention of finding someone.. because most the guys I've met up there.. ugh..
But there has been one that has really really surprised me..
J.. a sweet, southern, country boy (I like country boys.. but have never dated or talked to one.. usually go for the "bad boy" type so this is new) who seems really level headed and down to earth and is just so adorable in every way..
And suddenly.. I feel it again.. that want for something real.. that want for someone..
To recap my love life real quick..
C- 7 years.. married 2.. cheated on me and got another woman pregnant
S - Got really close.. found out I was divorced.. disappeared..
T - Found out he had 3 girls all by the same name he was talking to...
L - Tried to make me the other woman.. told me that him and his wife were separated..then found out they weren't, that they were splitting up... in 8 months.. and wants me to wait for him.. ummm no I have better things to do with my life than wait for something that will probably never happen.
^ Drama... For some reason I attract these people and have no idea why.. so I shut it out.. no more dating.. no more chasing.. no more anything. I'm tired of the lies from men.. I'm tired of being an option.. I'm just tired of all the bullshit. And this doesn't even count all the guys I've talked to.. these are just the ones that I really did have feelings for in some shape of form that could have gone the distance until I found out what was really going on or in S's case he couldn't handle his own baggage from his parents divorce to realize that my divorce was different than theirs.
Inside I am a hopeless romantic.. I have always been.. but part of me is a realist.. and part of me thinks that those great loves that last forever.. where you are hopelessly in love with your soul mate.. are flukes... a one in a million chance of happening.. of you actually finding someone who makes you wake up with butterflies in your tummy the rest of your life.. who makes you fall more in love with them daily.. who you can settle any fight with giggles and smiles.. I'm not stupid.. I know that these loves have their problems too.. but they are willing to work it out because they genuinely want to be with this person.. they have genuinely found their perfect match.. and I really wonder if there is someone out there like that for everyone.. or like I said.. a fluke.
In all honesty.. I have been preparing myself for being single the rest of my life lately.. I just couldn't picture me being happy again forever with another person.. yeah possibly being a serial dater (which is hard for me to admit because I have never been able to see myself that way until recently) but never fully committing my heart to someone again.. because lets face it.. I've been let down by so many people in my life.. not just in the dating realm but in all aspects of my life.. and the only person that hasn't let me down recently.. is myself.
But despite all that.. I really miss being in love.. I really miss having someone to talk to.. someone there for me.. someone who wants to be with me just as much as I want to be with them..
So on a whim the other night.. and probably because I was ill with L.. I signed up yet again for an online dating website.. with no intention of finding someone.. because most the guys I've met up there.. ugh..
But there has been one that has really really surprised me..
J.. a sweet, southern, country boy (I like country boys.. but have never dated or talked to one.. usually go for the "bad boy" type so this is new) who seems really level headed and down to earth and is just so adorable in every way..
And suddenly.. I feel it again.. that want for something real.. that want for someone..
I haven't quit smiling since we met.. I wait by the phone for his calls or texts.. and I feel myself falling.. and it scares the bejesus out of me.. because this is not me! I am the strong woman who isn't going to let someone pull me in again.. I don't want to get hurt again! But I feel like I need to at least try.. and if I get hurt.. I will bounce back.. it may take me a while.. but lets face it.. I've been through some of the worst things a person can go through in the past 3 years.. and I know there are people out there that have been through worst.. but I mean really.. I've dealt with a lot.. And what if this does turn out to be something wonderful.. what if he does turn out to be my "soul mate" I can't be scared to put myself out there.. I can't be scared to be open to love.. because yeah I may end up single for the rest of my life.. but if that happens.. at the end of my life.. I don't want to be mad at myself for passing up the chance at love.. I don't want to be that girl that everyone pities because she couldn't get past the bad things that happened to her.. I refuse to be that girl.
So I guess I am open to love again.. I am open to falling.. Which means I am open to being crushed again... but I know.. I know that I can make it through whatever is thrown at me now.. I am so much stronger than I ever thought possible.. and I will not lose the game on the fear of striking out..
So I leave you with a song by one of my favorite strong women artist.. because it is absolutely perfect for this topic.. Pink "Try"
Monday, May 6, 2013
Walls
I've honestly never felt so alone as I do right now.. Recently my parents have made it more and more clear that they don't support my dreams.. That they may not even care about me at all.. Lately it feels like I'm more of a afterthought when it comes to their life..
Throw in the fact that as ice said several times.. Most the people I've become closest to are graduating.. No more late nights at the dark room talking and laughing and helping each other get through whatever personal hell we are going through..
I just want to feel loved.. By someone.. Cared about.. Supported.. I come off as this independent chick who keeps it together and yes that is who I am.. But I do have my weak days.. I have the days where I just need to hear I'm loved.. And wanted.. And needed in someone's life.. That my presence makes a difference.. That without me.. Life wouldn't be the same.. Some days I just need a real hug and some kind words.. And I don't get any of that..
And people wonder why I put up walls..This is why.. because recently I've let those walls come down a bit.. And now here I am again.. Hurting so badly.. When I should have kept the walls up..
I've heard I need to get rid of the negative in my life.. How do I do that when they are my own flesh and blood? I keep giving them chances and they keep letting me down.. The people who are suppose to love me unconditionally. The people who are support my dreams even when they seem too big.. But I should have known better.. They never have before.. Why start now..
Throw in the fact that as ice said several times.. Most the people I've become closest to are graduating.. No more late nights at the dark room talking and laughing and helping each other get through whatever personal hell we are going through..
I just want to feel loved.. By someone.. Cared about.. Supported.. I come off as this independent chick who keeps it together and yes that is who I am.. But I do have my weak days.. I have the days where I just need to hear I'm loved.. And wanted.. And needed in someone's life.. That my presence makes a difference.. That without me.. Life wouldn't be the same.. Some days I just need a real hug and some kind words.. And I don't get any of that..
And people wonder why I put up walls..This is why.. because recently I've let those walls come down a bit.. And now here I am again.. Hurting so badly.. When I should have kept the walls up..
I've heard I need to get rid of the negative in my life.. How do I do that when they are my own flesh and blood? I keep giving them chances and they keep letting me down.. The people who are suppose to love me unconditionally. The people who are support my dreams even when they seem too big.. But I should have known better.. They never have before.. Why start now..
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