Open to Love Again

To say my love life has been one drama filled mess after another is an understatement. And because of that I have been trying to avoid dating and have been shutting that part of my heart off..

To recap my love life real quick..

C- 7 years.. married 2.. cheated on me and got another woman pregnant
S - Got really close.. found out I was divorced.. disappeared..
T - Found out he had 3 girls all by the same name he was talking to...
L - Tried to make me the other woman.. told me that him and his wife were separated..then found out they weren't, that they were splitting up... in 8 months.. and wants me to wait for him.. ummm no I have better things to do with my life than wait for something that will probably never happen.

^ Drama... For some reason I attract these people and have no idea why.. so I shut it out.. no more dating.. no more chasing.. no more anything. I'm tired of the lies from men.. I'm tired of being an option.. I'm just tired of all the bullshit. And this doesn't even count all the guys I've talked to.. these are just the ones that I really did have feelings for in some shape of form that could have gone the distance until I found out what was really going on or in S's case he couldn't handle his own baggage from his parents divorce to realize that my divorce was different than theirs.

Inside I am a hopeless romantic.. I have always been.. but part of me is a realist.. and part of me thinks that those great loves that last forever.. where you are hopelessly in love with your soul mate.. are flukes... a one in a million chance of happening.. of you actually finding someone who makes you wake up with butterflies in your tummy the rest of your life.. who makes you fall more in love with them daily.. who you can settle any fight with giggles and smiles.. I'm not stupid.. I know that these loves have their problems too.. but they are willing to work it out because they genuinely want to be with this person.. they have genuinely found their perfect match.. and I really wonder if there is someone out there like that for everyone.. or like I said.. a fluke.

In all honesty.. I have been preparing myself for being single the rest of my life lately.. I just couldn't picture me being happy again forever with another person.. yeah possibly being a serial dater (which is hard for me to admit because I have never been able to see myself that way until recently) but never fully committing my heart to someone again.. because lets face it.. I've been let down by so many people in my life.. not just in the dating realm but in all aspects of my life.. and the only person that hasn't let me down recently.. is myself.

But despite all that.. I really miss being in love.. I really miss having someone to talk to.. someone there for me.. someone who wants to be with me just as much as I want to be with them..


So on a whim the other night.. and probably because I was ill with L.. I signed up yet again for an online dating website.. with no intention of finding someone.. because most the guys I've met up there.. ugh..

But there has been one that has really really surprised me..

J.. a sweet, southern, country boy (I like country boys.. but have never dated or talked to one.. usually go for the "bad boy" type so this is new) who seems really level headed and down to earth and is just so adorable in every way..

And suddenly.. I feel it again.. that want for something real.. that want for someone..

I haven't quit smiling since we met.. I wait by the phone for his calls or texts.. and I feel myself falling.. and it scares the bejesus out of me.. because this is not me! I am the strong woman who isn't going to let someone pull me in again.. I don't want to get hurt again! But I feel like I need to at least try.. and if I get hurt.. I will bounce back.. it may take me a while.. but lets face it.. I've been through some of the worst things a person can go through in the past 3 years.. and I know there are people out there that have been through worst.. but I mean really.. I've dealt with a lot.. And what if this does turn out to be something wonderful.. what if he does turn out to be my "soul mate" I can't be scared to put myself out there.. I can't be scared to be open to love.. because yeah I may end up single for the rest of my life.. but if that happens.. at the end of my life.. I don't want to be mad at myself for passing up the chance at love.. I don't want to be that girl that everyone pities because she couldn't get past the bad things that happened to her.. I refuse to be that girl.

So I guess I am open to love again.. I am open to falling.. Which means I am open to being crushed again... but I know.. I know that I can make it through whatever is thrown at me now.. I am so much stronger than I ever thought possible.. and I will not lose the game on the fear of striking out..

So I leave you with a song by one of my favorite strong women artist.. because it is absolutely perfect for this topic.. Pink "Try"