New Life, New Blog.

I've been thinking about this blog post and meaning to do it for almost a month now.. I'm sorry to my readers that actually have been trying to keep up with my life lol.

On August 1st, C came home and told me that he thought it was best that we separate.. It had been a long time coming but it truly felt like I had been hit by a Mack Truck.. I felt my heart literally shatter.. I knew my life was over, this was the man that I had given my all to the past 7 years of my life, a third of my life. This was the man that I had always dreamed waking up next to with a couple of kids laid over top of us and smiling across their heads.. this is the man that helped me make an Angel.

I didn't know what to do or what to say.. so I called my mom.., and I called my sister in law CB. He left and they came swooping in to help me pick up the pieces..

I went to go stay with my parents for a few days.. debated on whether to move back in with them and just give up my house.. the house that we as a couple had made a home. It hurt to be here at the house, everywhere I looked there were memories of the past 2 years here, memories of the good, the bad.. memories that I knew would eventually cause my mental breakdown. Ultimately I decided that I was a grown woman and it was time for me to learn to live alone, on my own. Being at my parents, they were great, they did everything they could for me, but they also enabled me to sit in my sorrow and sadness and not try to work through it. So that Friday I moved back home.. being home was hard. I think I cried the whole night the first night back, but I also felt a lot better on my own. Now here I am almost a month on my own and I actually enjoy being able to watch what I want and do what I want.

This past month has been a big roller coaster of ups and downs, so many emotions have ran through my head it has been ridiculous.. but I am realizing that I deserve so much better then what I was getting. Don't get me wrong, C was a good guy.. but our relationship was more of a mother-child, I gave gave gave and he rarely gave back. I have learned a lot about myself and about C this past month. I've gone back and re-evaluated a lot of scenarios from the past. Right now I am doing ok.. I still have hard days but I am realizing my worth and how strong of a person I really am.. much stronger then I ever thought myself to be.. I have been through some of the worst things this year.. losing my SIL.. losing my baby.. and then losing my husband. But I am still here.. Life continues on..

I truly don't believe I would be where I am today without the help of some amazing people. The women on TTCAL have been my rocks, always listening when I want to whine, always re-assuring me that everything will be ok. My SIL CB, I can't thank her enough for dragging me out of the house that first week, and numerous times throughout this past month to get my mind off things, and my mom, she has done everything she possibly can to help me. Truly I find myself sitting in her living room (I went to their house about once a month before all this) AT LEAST once a week, tears pouring down my face, getting my frustrations and hurt out.. cause I can't be strong all the time.. Every time she is there to listen and encourage me.

I am going through one of the hardest things of my life.. but I have so many people rooting me on and being there for me. I am so thankful that I have these people, I am so thankful that I have made friends with some of these people.

I'm getting there.. It's hard.. I have bad days, but I CAN DO THIS AND I WILL.

I will find my true prince charming one day.. the one that will be there for the rest of my life and will make me realize why this didn't work out. He is out there and I truly believe that.

I still love C, he will always have a part of my heart, he is Shiloh's daddy, I would love him just for that if for nothing else. We just grew apart pretty much, he wasn't ready to be married and I wanted so much more out of him then he could give me. He saw how his brother (who is 18) was living and thought it would be pretty cool to go back to that.

I put on my facebook this quote today and it makes me smile because it's true:
♥ What a wonderful thought is it that some of the best days of our lives haven't happened yet ♥

Truth is

I'm fucking pissed..

I planned my future out.. and suddenly it all goes to shit..

WTF!

I know that I haven't written.. Haven't know what to say.. haven't known what to feel.. I  go from sad to happy back to sad all withing a 5 second time span.. I constantly think about him and wonder if he is thinking about me.. Every once in a while I have a few min breaks where I don't think about him and miss what we had..

I will get through this.. I can get through this.. but it is so fucking hard.. I miss him.. I love him.. and times like right now.. I would give anything to have him back here with me on this couch.

And other times I think this is for the best..

I HATE FEELING LIKE THIS... Need to go to bed.. sleep this heartache off.. I've been doing so good.. I don't know what changed tonight..

Major Changes Ahead

This blog is about to undergo a huge change.. some of you already know what it is.. I will blog about it later, I'm a little tired of rehashing the events that have taken place the past 2 days..