I just looked at my post from last New Years and I had ended it with "Maybe 2013 will be the best yet" and you know what.. for once I can actually say that the past year of my life has been probably the best yet. Not to say some bad things didn't happen but the good far outway the bad.
For one my divorce was finalized, after nearly 2 years.
Two.. I learned more about myself and who I am a person. Figured out more of what I want in life and I am taking the bull by the horns in working towards my goals and dreams.
And three.. I met the man of my dreams.
For the next year I have some things I want to do.. resolutions I guess you can say even though I don't really like that word I guess that is what they are lol.
Of course losing weight is always on my list.. but this year I'm not going to really stress over that. I am going to eat better, exercise more and let what happens happen.
Mainly my goals this year are more spiritual, soul inspiring, just general things that will make me happier in life and with myself as a person.
- Become closer to God: God and I have had our ups and downs. There have been times that I completely relied on him and prayer to get me thru tough times, and there have been time when I have been so angry for him letting something bad happen. But as I get older I realize that in order for great and wonderful things to happen you have to go thru some tough times. My boyfriend's family is very religious, not the bible thumping, you're a sinner for having tattoos, etc, type, but they do go to church regularly, they pray at every meal, and I have seen how that all can bring families together. My goal this year is to become more like that. To go to church as many times as I can, to read my bible (because I have never actually read all the way thru) and to just live in the holy spirit and believe and accept the things I can not change. I have seen God's work and I would like to be a part of that I guess you can say. I have seen prayer keep families together, I have seen prayer helps couples and I would love for my relationship to be deeply rooted in God.
- Get the intership in VA: My boyfriend has pretty much landed a awesome internship up in VA for his chosen major over the summer. The thought of being without him for 10 weeks kills me.. I know there are people out there that deal with this type of thing all the time due to work, or military, or whatever and I truly admire you all. I am sure I could do it if I had to but I really don't have to.. as long as I get the internship I'm looking at over the summer as well up there. VA is awesome for Graphic Design, a lot of openings, which will be great when I do graduate and we move up there permentantly.
- Get my half sleeve done: This is just something I want. Art is a huge part of my life and I've been wanting this for a long time but have been putting it off. This year I will have it done.
- Take atleast 365 pictures.. Kinda like a picture a day I guess but I'm not going to put that pressure on myself because some days I won't have time to go out and shoot. But I do want a "yearbook" of this year. And I will be doing exactly that, taking my favorite 365 pictures of the year and putting them into a book on shutterfly or something like that. I think it will be a cool tradition to start.
- Read 50 books. I would say more but time is precious when you are a graphic design major AND a fine arts major.. sometimes I just don't have enough time in the day.
- Take 2 Trips: I already have one planned for October but I have to try to think of another one. I want to travel more, have new experiences and of course be able to expand my photo collection to more than just the county I live in.
- Become more financially sound: by the end of the year I want to have a pretty nice "nest egg" I guess you can say.
-Blog more: I say it every year but really I need to, my therapist even agrees that me writing is theraputic for me and since I've been struggling with my depression again I need everything that can help.
Well that is pretty much the big ones, there are quite a few little ones that I will be working on too. Hopefully my next NYE post will be saying that I did all of these and more!
Tuesday, December 31, 2013
Wednesday, November 20, 2013
Demons
I still have them.. and they won't go away.
I still lie awake at night. Still wonder who could possibly love me and why..
I look at L(my boyfriend) and wonder how someone as wonderful as him could possibly see anything worth anything in me.
I worry that one day he will wake up and realize he can do better.
I hate that I feel this way..
I hate that after everything I've been thru I still don't believe to be treated like a normal human being, that needs love, that wants love, that deserves the best.
C has left many scars... many that have been healed and somewhat erased.. but that one still cuts deep.. that insecurity that he instilled in me.. that I couldn't do better then him still haunts me daily.. that I'm not good enough for anyone.. that anyone that is with me is being so out of pity..
I'm not going to lie and say that it hasn't caused some problems between L and I. I come across as this woman who has a high self esteem.. but he has seen the real me.. he has held me at night as I cry.. he has answered the many questions of doubt (repeatedly.. ) and has become annoyed at it. He has told me he wished I had better self esteem.. and He's not the only one who wishes that..
The fact that he is still here does speak volumes for me... but there is still that nagging feeling in my back of my head.. still waiting for the ball to drop.. and I hate that. I don't want to feel this way anymore.. but I don't really know what to do about it.
I don't know how to change 20ish years of bad body image.. or how to undo 9 years of a mentally and emotionally abusive relationship... I don't even know where to start..
I still lie awake at night. Still wonder who could possibly love me and why..
I look at L(my boyfriend) and wonder how someone as wonderful as him could possibly see anything worth anything in me.
I worry that one day he will wake up and realize he can do better.
I hate that I feel this way..
I hate that after everything I've been thru I still don't believe to be treated like a normal human being, that needs love, that wants love, that deserves the best.
C has left many scars... many that have been healed and somewhat erased.. but that one still cuts deep.. that insecurity that he instilled in me.. that I couldn't do better then him still haunts me daily.. that I'm not good enough for anyone.. that anyone that is with me is being so out of pity..
I'm not going to lie and say that it hasn't caused some problems between L and I. I come across as this woman who has a high self esteem.. but he has seen the real me.. he has held me at night as I cry.. he has answered the many questions of doubt (repeatedly.. ) and has become annoyed at it. He has told me he wished I had better self esteem.. and He's not the only one who wishes that..
The fact that he is still here does speak volumes for me... but there is still that nagging feeling in my back of my head.. still waiting for the ball to drop.. and I hate that. I don't want to feel this way anymore.. but I don't really know what to do about it.
I don't know how to change 20ish years of bad body image.. or how to undo 9 years of a mentally and emotionally abusive relationship... I don't even know where to start..
Monday, November 11, 2013
The "M" word
He said it this weekend..
It all started with a joke, he was going on and on about his coat and I decided to joke around and be 5 again...
"Well if you like it so much why don't you marry it??"
his response?
"Because I'd rather marry you"
Cue total bewildered look..
The thought of marriage in the past few years has scared the hell out of me. How could I trust someone again so much to want to spend the rest of my life with them. C really damaged me in that. He killed all trust I had.. and anytime someone mentioned me getting remarried again one day I scoffed it off and said it probably won't happen. But since I've met him.. my whole tune has changed. I totally see myself marrying him one day... key word.. ONE DAY. We have talked about it before this weekend, but he never outright said the word. Anytime we talked about our future it was about.. when we move here, when we are living together officially, etc. It was never.. when we get married. The bewildered look was more of the fact that I didn't have a mini panic attack when he said it.. instead I embraced it and smiled.. maybe even blushed a little.
That doesn't mean I want to get married tomorrow though and I believe he understands that. I think he knows I need time, that's why he hasn't said that word before even though it had been implied. But he kinda sealed the deal with it this weekend. To prove to me that he is in this for the long haul.. that this isn't just a fling to him.. and I think he said it because he tends to know me better than I know myself.. he knew I needed to hear that, that reassurance that he wants to be here.
I love him more than I have ever loved anyone. Even C. Even only after 3.5 months.. I know he is the one.. I just wasn't sure if he thought I was the one but he stepped out of his comfort zone as well to tell me that I am in his own way.. he took my joke and ran with it.
And you know what.. I'm not scared to think about it anymore. About the future. About getting married again.. because I know this time that I am making the right decision with the right man.
It all started with a joke, he was going on and on about his coat and I decided to joke around and be 5 again...
"Well if you like it so much why don't you marry it??"
his response?
"Because I'd rather marry you"
Cue total bewildered look..
The thought of marriage in the past few years has scared the hell out of me. How could I trust someone again so much to want to spend the rest of my life with them. C really damaged me in that. He killed all trust I had.. and anytime someone mentioned me getting remarried again one day I scoffed it off and said it probably won't happen. But since I've met him.. my whole tune has changed. I totally see myself marrying him one day... key word.. ONE DAY. We have talked about it before this weekend, but he never outright said the word. Anytime we talked about our future it was about.. when we move here, when we are living together officially, etc. It was never.. when we get married. The bewildered look was more of the fact that I didn't have a mini panic attack when he said it.. instead I embraced it and smiled.. maybe even blushed a little.
That doesn't mean I want to get married tomorrow though and I believe he understands that. I think he knows I need time, that's why he hasn't said that word before even though it had been implied. But he kinda sealed the deal with it this weekend. To prove to me that he is in this for the long haul.. that this isn't just a fling to him.. and I think he said it because he tends to know me better than I know myself.. he knew I needed to hear that, that reassurance that he wants to be here.
I love him more than I have ever loved anyone. Even C. Even only after 3.5 months.. I know he is the one.. I just wasn't sure if he thought I was the one but he stepped out of his comfort zone as well to tell me that I am in his own way.. he took my joke and ran with it.
And you know what.. I'm not scared to think about it anymore. About the future. About getting married again.. because I know this time that I am making the right decision with the right man.
Friday, August 16, 2013
Me and We Time
In my last post I talked about how my new man seemed to know exactly what to say and when to say it, and is able to handle my crazy emotions like no one else can.
Turns out he was winging it, he asked me if what he did the other night when I was freaking out was the right thing, he said he didn't quite know what I needed so he just did what felt right. Which seriously made me laugh. I think that is what is making me fall more and more in love with him. We don't even really have to try at this relationship. We can just be..
We are on the same page about nearly everything, we enjoy spending time with each other and we do spend a lot of time with each other, but its not overbearing to either of us. Especially I think because we aren't really on the same work schedule so even though we are seeing each other every day/night, we are still getting plenty of "me" time in between which is amazing because with C there was no "me" time, it was work time and then "us" time. I think for a relationship to truly be the healthiest it can possibly be.. at least in the beginning stages.. you have to still make time for yourself and your hobbies. I have time to still go to the gym, work on my photography and then look forward to when he gets off work so I can see him.
And when we are together we don't even have to talk. Just being near each other puts the biggest smiles on our faces. Forget butterflies.. I have a whole Zoo in my tummy when he is around.
He makes me so happy
And he tells me that he hopes that we are in each others lives for a long time..
And he sends me sweet little texts randomly during the day just letting me know how much he cares for me...
He is honestly the guy version of me.. which it is amazing to look at someone and see pretty much a mirror of yourself. I've never had that before.
Turns out he was winging it, he asked me if what he did the other night when I was freaking out was the right thing, he said he didn't quite know what I needed so he just did what felt right. Which seriously made me laugh. I think that is what is making me fall more and more in love with him. We don't even really have to try at this relationship. We can just be..
We are on the same page about nearly everything, we enjoy spending time with each other and we do spend a lot of time with each other, but its not overbearing to either of us. Especially I think because we aren't really on the same work schedule so even though we are seeing each other every day/night, we are still getting plenty of "me" time in between which is amazing because with C there was no "me" time, it was work time and then "us" time. I think for a relationship to truly be the healthiest it can possibly be.. at least in the beginning stages.. you have to still make time for yourself and your hobbies. I have time to still go to the gym, work on my photography and then look forward to when he gets off work so I can see him.
And when we are together we don't even have to talk. Just being near each other puts the biggest smiles on our faces. Forget butterflies.. I have a whole Zoo in my tummy when he is around.
He makes me so happy
And he tells me that he hopes that we are in each others lives for a long time..
And he sends me sweet little texts randomly during the day just letting me know how much he cares for me...
He is honestly the guy version of me.. which it is amazing to look at someone and see pretty much a mirror of yourself. I've never had that before.
Thursday, August 15, 2013
Vulnerable
Since everything happened between C and I, I have had a problem opening up to people, to being vulnerable.
It is a defense mechanism.. when someone or something hurts you that much you try to avoid that hurt again at all cost, even if it means completely shutting people out..
I did that for such a long time, and I admit that I still do that..
That is why the relationship I am in scares the hell out of me, as well as makes me the happiest I have ever been..
The walls completely came down, within a few hours of him and I talking... never before had I felt so safe.. so comfortable with someone.. never before had I given that much of myself emotionally and mentally to someone that quickly.. even with C it took months for him to break that barrier.
But with this man.. I can be myself.. I can show all parts of myself.. even my vulnerable sides.. and I know that he won't take advantage of them.. and he will love me no matter what.
I had a mini freak out last night thinking about how much of myself I have already shown him and given him.. how much of myself I have already put into this and he held me.. calmed me down, and straight talked to me telling me how it was, how he felt and honestly that's what I needed. I needed his rationality, I need him to be straight forward, not to sugar coat.. it amazes me that he knows how to handle that side of me.. no one has ever been able to, everyone has always tried to coddle me when I was being that way. And sometimes that works, but most the time I just need to be sat down and set straight.
This is totally new territory for me and I am loving it.
It is a defense mechanism.. when someone or something hurts you that much you try to avoid that hurt again at all cost, even if it means completely shutting people out..
I did that for such a long time, and I admit that I still do that..
That is why the relationship I am in scares the hell out of me, as well as makes me the happiest I have ever been..
The walls completely came down, within a few hours of him and I talking... never before had I felt so safe.. so comfortable with someone.. never before had I given that much of myself emotionally and mentally to someone that quickly.. even with C it took months for him to break that barrier.
But with this man.. I can be myself.. I can show all parts of myself.. even my vulnerable sides.. and I know that he won't take advantage of them.. and he will love me no matter what.
I had a mini freak out last night thinking about how much of myself I have already shown him and given him.. how much of myself I have already put into this and he held me.. calmed me down, and straight talked to me telling me how it was, how he felt and honestly that's what I needed. I needed his rationality, I need him to be straight forward, not to sugar coat.. it amazes me that he knows how to handle that side of me.. no one has ever been able to, everyone has always tried to coddle me when I was being that way. And sometimes that works, but most the time I just need to be sat down and set straight.
This is totally new territory for me and I am loving it.
Wednesday, August 14, 2013
2 months... 2 years... New beginnings.. Happy Me
Wow it has been two months since I've written. I honestly try to keep up with this.. but sometimes I feel like I am saying the same things over and over again.. my life had become a constant routine and if I'm bored with it I am sure anyone who happens to read this is as well.
But some things have happened in the past two months..
For one.. still in school.. actually start Fall semester tomorrow! Yay I am so excited!! lol I was always the nerd in school. The one who counted down the days of summer until I went back to school and dreaded the last few days of school before summer let out. My "summer" was only two weeks long this time but I spent almost every day of those two weeks at work and I would much rather be at school... plus I love what I am in school for... ART! On that note.. I have added another degree to my schooling.. Graphic Design and I start that degree tomorrow, I'm nervous but so excited!! I can't wait to embark on this journey and see where it goes..
August 1st was two years since C left.. I honestly didn't dwell on it at all.. I didn't even think about it because I woke up that morning in the arms of another man that I had been talking to, a man that had asked me in the early morning before we fell asleep to be his girlfriend.. so yes.. I do have a boyfriend.. and yes we started dating on what was the 2 year anniversary of my separation from C. I can't think of a better way honestly to change what that date meant. It no longer means the end of a relationship to me but the beginning of another.
He is amazing.. surprisingly younger.. I'm pretty sure I had sworn off younger men several times over this whole thing but he is different. Despite him being 3 years younger than me he is one of the most mature men I have even known. He is sweet, caring, country boy but with his own style.. in essence he is the guy version of me and I couldn't be happier, we have so much in common it's almost scary and we have spent the past few weeks together constantly.. only 3 nights have we not been together and we haven't gotten tired of each other in the least bit..
I have found that I am already in love with him... just two months ago I was swearing off guys indefinitely and now I totally feel at ease with my possible future with him. It feels so natural and I'm the happiest.. truly the happiest I've ever been, even happier than I was during the good times with C. I finally found someone that I can be myself around and be accepted and that loves me for me. I can't wait to see how this plays out. I will most definitely keep you up to day on it :)
But some things have happened in the past two months..
For one.. still in school.. actually start Fall semester tomorrow! Yay I am so excited!! lol I was always the nerd in school. The one who counted down the days of summer until I went back to school and dreaded the last few days of school before summer let out. My "summer" was only two weeks long this time but I spent almost every day of those two weeks at work and I would much rather be at school... plus I love what I am in school for... ART! On that note.. I have added another degree to my schooling.. Graphic Design and I start that degree tomorrow, I'm nervous but so excited!! I can't wait to embark on this journey and see where it goes..
August 1st was two years since C left.. I honestly didn't dwell on it at all.. I didn't even think about it because I woke up that morning in the arms of another man that I had been talking to, a man that had asked me in the early morning before we fell asleep to be his girlfriend.. so yes.. I do have a boyfriend.. and yes we started dating on what was the 2 year anniversary of my separation from C. I can't think of a better way honestly to change what that date meant. It no longer means the end of a relationship to me but the beginning of another.
He is amazing.. surprisingly younger.. I'm pretty sure I had sworn off younger men several times over this whole thing but he is different. Despite him being 3 years younger than me he is one of the most mature men I have even known. He is sweet, caring, country boy but with his own style.. in essence he is the guy version of me and I couldn't be happier, we have so much in common it's almost scary and we have spent the past few weeks together constantly.. only 3 nights have we not been together and we haven't gotten tired of each other in the least bit..
I have found that I am already in love with him... just two months ago I was swearing off guys indefinitely and now I totally feel at ease with my possible future with him. It feels so natural and I'm the happiest.. truly the happiest I've ever been, even happier than I was during the good times with C. I finally found someone that I can be myself around and be accepted and that loves me for me. I can't wait to see how this plays out. I will most definitely keep you up to day on it :)
Saturday, June 1, 2013
Falling in Love
Lately I've been falling in love...
With who you ask?
Myself :)
That's right.. After all those years of self hate.. Those years of picking apart my flaws, my body, my insecurities.. For once I find used loving myself.. Despite all those things.. The weird thing is.. It pretty much came out of no where..
I haven't lost weight.. Actually to be brutally honest.. I've gained weight.. I was down to 250ish about 2 months ago.. And now I'm back to hovering around 260.. But I'm happy.. I put on a bikini today.. Me! Fat girl!! Haha and honestly thought about rocking it tomorrow at the water park. But I don't think the world is ready for that much sexy yet ;)
But in all honesty.. I have four two amazing role models.. Tess Munester and Jes from the Militant Baker.. Look them both up.. You will fall in love with them too.. I admit I have total chick crushes on them both. Haha they have proven to me that you don't have to be a stick to be fabulous. They are both so amazingly beautiful and confident and straight to the point. I strive to be like them one day. And this newfound love of myself and my body is putting me in that direction.
And let me tell you.. This newfound confidence.. Has totally caught the eyes of some very yummy men in the past few weeks ;) I'm telling you.. Confidence is everything. I wish I had figured that out a long time ago.
Wednesday, May 15, 2013
Hump Day Hotties 5/15/13
Tim is like a fine wine and just keeps getting better with age!
Oh Ryan... Yumm..
Tuesday, May 14, 2013
Open to Love Again
To say my love life has been one drama filled mess after another is an understatement. And because of that I have been trying to avoid dating and have been shutting that part of my heart off..
To recap my love life real quick..
C- 7 years.. married 2.. cheated on me and got another woman pregnant
S - Got really close.. found out I was divorced.. disappeared..
T - Found out he had 3 girls all by the same name he was talking to...
L - Tried to make me the other woman.. told me that him and his wife were separated..then found out they weren't, that they were splitting up... in 8 months.. and wants me to wait for him.. ummm no I have better things to do with my life than wait for something that will probably never happen.
^ Drama... For some reason I attract these people and have no idea why.. so I shut it out.. no more dating.. no more chasing.. no more anything. I'm tired of the lies from men.. I'm tired of being an option.. I'm just tired of all the bullshit. And this doesn't even count all the guys I've talked to.. these are just the ones that I really did have feelings for in some shape of form that could have gone the distance until I found out what was really going on or in S's case he couldn't handle his own baggage from his parents divorce to realize that my divorce was different than theirs.
Inside I am a hopeless romantic.. I have always been.. but part of me is a realist.. and part of me thinks that those great loves that last forever.. where you are hopelessly in love with your soul mate.. are flukes... a one in a million chance of happening.. of you actually finding someone who makes you wake up with butterflies in your tummy the rest of your life.. who makes you fall more in love with them daily.. who you can settle any fight with giggles and smiles.. I'm not stupid.. I know that these loves have their problems too.. but they are willing to work it out because they genuinely want to be with this person.. they have genuinely found their perfect match.. and I really wonder if there is someone out there like that for everyone.. or like I said.. a fluke.
In all honesty.. I have been preparing myself for being single the rest of my life lately.. I just couldn't picture me being happy again forever with another person.. yeah possibly being a serial dater (which is hard for me to admit because I have never been able to see myself that way until recently) but never fully committing my heart to someone again.. because lets face it.. I've been let down by so many people in my life.. not just in the dating realm but in all aspects of my life.. and the only person that hasn't let me down recently.. is myself.
But despite all that.. I really miss being in love.. I really miss having someone to talk to.. someone there for me.. someone who wants to be with me just as much as I want to be with them..
So on a whim the other night.. and probably because I was ill with L.. I signed up yet again for an online dating website.. with no intention of finding someone.. because most the guys I've met up there.. ugh..
But there has been one that has really really surprised me..
J.. a sweet, southern, country boy (I like country boys.. but have never dated or talked to one.. usually go for the "bad boy" type so this is new) who seems really level headed and down to earth and is just so adorable in every way..
And suddenly.. I feel it again.. that want for something real.. that want for someone..
To recap my love life real quick..
C- 7 years.. married 2.. cheated on me and got another woman pregnant
S - Got really close.. found out I was divorced.. disappeared..
T - Found out he had 3 girls all by the same name he was talking to...
L - Tried to make me the other woman.. told me that him and his wife were separated..then found out they weren't, that they were splitting up... in 8 months.. and wants me to wait for him.. ummm no I have better things to do with my life than wait for something that will probably never happen.
^ Drama... For some reason I attract these people and have no idea why.. so I shut it out.. no more dating.. no more chasing.. no more anything. I'm tired of the lies from men.. I'm tired of being an option.. I'm just tired of all the bullshit. And this doesn't even count all the guys I've talked to.. these are just the ones that I really did have feelings for in some shape of form that could have gone the distance until I found out what was really going on or in S's case he couldn't handle his own baggage from his parents divorce to realize that my divorce was different than theirs.
Inside I am a hopeless romantic.. I have always been.. but part of me is a realist.. and part of me thinks that those great loves that last forever.. where you are hopelessly in love with your soul mate.. are flukes... a one in a million chance of happening.. of you actually finding someone who makes you wake up with butterflies in your tummy the rest of your life.. who makes you fall more in love with them daily.. who you can settle any fight with giggles and smiles.. I'm not stupid.. I know that these loves have their problems too.. but they are willing to work it out because they genuinely want to be with this person.. they have genuinely found their perfect match.. and I really wonder if there is someone out there like that for everyone.. or like I said.. a fluke.
In all honesty.. I have been preparing myself for being single the rest of my life lately.. I just couldn't picture me being happy again forever with another person.. yeah possibly being a serial dater (which is hard for me to admit because I have never been able to see myself that way until recently) but never fully committing my heart to someone again.. because lets face it.. I've been let down by so many people in my life.. not just in the dating realm but in all aspects of my life.. and the only person that hasn't let me down recently.. is myself.
But despite all that.. I really miss being in love.. I really miss having someone to talk to.. someone there for me.. someone who wants to be with me just as much as I want to be with them..
So on a whim the other night.. and probably because I was ill with L.. I signed up yet again for an online dating website.. with no intention of finding someone.. because most the guys I've met up there.. ugh..
But there has been one that has really really surprised me..
J.. a sweet, southern, country boy (I like country boys.. but have never dated or talked to one.. usually go for the "bad boy" type so this is new) who seems really level headed and down to earth and is just so adorable in every way..
And suddenly.. I feel it again.. that want for something real.. that want for someone..
I haven't quit smiling since we met.. I wait by the phone for his calls or texts.. and I feel myself falling.. and it scares the bejesus out of me.. because this is not me! I am the strong woman who isn't going to let someone pull me in again.. I don't want to get hurt again! But I feel like I need to at least try.. and if I get hurt.. I will bounce back.. it may take me a while.. but lets face it.. I've been through some of the worst things a person can go through in the past 3 years.. and I know there are people out there that have been through worst.. but I mean really.. I've dealt with a lot.. And what if this does turn out to be something wonderful.. what if he does turn out to be my "soul mate" I can't be scared to put myself out there.. I can't be scared to be open to love.. because yeah I may end up single for the rest of my life.. but if that happens.. at the end of my life.. I don't want to be mad at myself for passing up the chance at love.. I don't want to be that girl that everyone pities because she couldn't get past the bad things that happened to her.. I refuse to be that girl.
So I guess I am open to love again.. I am open to falling.. Which means I am open to being crushed again... but I know.. I know that I can make it through whatever is thrown at me now.. I am so much stronger than I ever thought possible.. and I will not lose the game on the fear of striking out..
So I leave you with a song by one of my favorite strong women artist.. because it is absolutely perfect for this topic.. Pink "Try"
Monday, May 6, 2013
Walls
I've honestly never felt so alone as I do right now.. Recently my parents have made it more and more clear that they don't support my dreams.. That they may not even care about me at all.. Lately it feels like I'm more of a afterthought when it comes to their life..
Throw in the fact that as ice said several times.. Most the people I've become closest to are graduating.. No more late nights at the dark room talking and laughing and helping each other get through whatever personal hell we are going through..
I just want to feel loved.. By someone.. Cared about.. Supported.. I come off as this independent chick who keeps it together and yes that is who I am.. But I do have my weak days.. I have the days where I just need to hear I'm loved.. And wanted.. And needed in someone's life.. That my presence makes a difference.. That without me.. Life wouldn't be the same.. Some days I just need a real hug and some kind words.. And I don't get any of that..
And people wonder why I put up walls..This is why.. because recently I've let those walls come down a bit.. And now here I am again.. Hurting so badly.. When I should have kept the walls up..
I've heard I need to get rid of the negative in my life.. How do I do that when they are my own flesh and blood? I keep giving them chances and they keep letting me down.. The people who are suppose to love me unconditionally. The people who are support my dreams even when they seem too big.. But I should have known better.. They never have before.. Why start now..
Throw in the fact that as ice said several times.. Most the people I've become closest to are graduating.. No more late nights at the dark room talking and laughing and helping each other get through whatever personal hell we are going through..
I just want to feel loved.. By someone.. Cared about.. Supported.. I come off as this independent chick who keeps it together and yes that is who I am.. But I do have my weak days.. I have the days where I just need to hear I'm loved.. And wanted.. And needed in someone's life.. That my presence makes a difference.. That without me.. Life wouldn't be the same.. Some days I just need a real hug and some kind words.. And I don't get any of that..
And people wonder why I put up walls..This is why.. because recently I've let those walls come down a bit.. And now here I am again.. Hurting so badly.. When I should have kept the walls up..
I've heard I need to get rid of the negative in my life.. How do I do that when they are my own flesh and blood? I keep giving them chances and they keep letting me down.. The people who are suppose to love me unconditionally. The people who are support my dreams even when they seem too big.. But I should have known better.. They never have before.. Why start now..
Sunday, May 5, 2013
Last night in the Art Room
This evening has been bittersweet.. tomorrow exams start.. tonight was the last night that the Art Building was open for work.. I am still sitting here typing this waiting for them to kick us out.. and honestly.. I don't want to leave..
We have all been here.. going on 12 hours now.. just working and spending time together..
I don't want it to end.. I don't want to say bye to these people I have grown to love and care about..
We promise that we will hang out after tonight.. but I am honestly scared that it won't happen.. so I am sitting here.. soaking all in.. knowing good and well that I am going to go home and probably cry myself to sleep..
I haven't had any work to do today since about 2.. but I have continued to sit here the past many hours just to be near them...
They graduate next Monday.. and then they will be out in the world.. working on bigger and better things... bittersweet..
I'm sad for me.. for the girl who has finally come out of her shell and made real friends that she can relate to and can be herself around and laugh fully... only to have those people move on in life.. which happens..
I'm so happy for them.. to be moving on.. getting out of this place.. to enter into the world.. to start their careers..
I will be supporting them the whole time...
I will be at the show opening... and I will be in the crowd cheering them on as they walk across that stage and get their diplomas.. they've earned this.. they have made it.. and I can only hope that next year when it is my turn some of them will be sitting in the crowd cheering me on as well... one person especially..
I hope we continue our friendships.. some will, others will just become FB friends.. But I will always remember the many nights we spent in Whichard RM 219 laughing our asses off, and falling in love with life and becoming a family...
Thursday, May 2, 2013
Transitions
Lately..
Things have been a little different for me.
I have been split into two different categories when it comes to friends
I have the one group who has gotten me through the worst of things after my split with C. My Thursday night group, the ones I spent a lot of time with when I felt down and low and needed a pick me up or someone to talk to. They have been my rocks.
But as I have said before most of them are much older than I am. The youngest of the group other than me is still 10 years older than me, and while I could relate with them all because all of them have been divorced in their life.. they are still not really at the same point as me.
Then there is my other group.. my artist group.. the people I have gotten to know over the past two semesters, the easiest group of friends I have ever made...
They are like minded. Most of them closer to my age, they get my quirkiness.. they get my visions.. they have the same goals in life as me. A few of them have been through a divorce but we don't really talk about that stuff because it isn't really relevant to what our relationship is about..
I can feel like I am being pulled in many ways..
I haven't been to a Thursday night outing in over a month... I haven't seen two of the people from the Thursday night group that I use to see almost daily.. in over 2 weeks.. I just feel like right now I relate more to my Artsy friends.. right now I want to spend almost all my free time with them and honestly I have..
Yes I've had projects due that I've been working on but it's more about the atmosphere with the people that are there that I am in to.
I talked to my therapist at length about it tonight.. she doesn't think this is bad.. she thinks this is a transition for me. One that I've been working on for a while.. and now it's happening..
She believes it's ok for me to move on to a new group of friends.. and like I told her it's not that I don't want to hang with the old group.. it's just I need some things that they can't provide me.. No one understands this life and career I've chosen other than the people that have also made this choice.. and right now I need people in my life that do understand.
She wants me to think about who I am now as a person... and who I am not.. who I was...
So I'm thinking.. I am trying to come up with a list of who I am, who I am not, and who I was...
I will probably be making a blog post about it here in the next few days...
I know one thing though... I haven't been happier than I am right now.
Things have been a little different for me.
I have been split into two different categories when it comes to friends
I have the one group who has gotten me through the worst of things after my split with C. My Thursday night group, the ones I spent a lot of time with when I felt down and low and needed a pick me up or someone to talk to. They have been my rocks.
But as I have said before most of them are much older than I am. The youngest of the group other than me is still 10 years older than me, and while I could relate with them all because all of them have been divorced in their life.. they are still not really at the same point as me.
Then there is my other group.. my artist group.. the people I have gotten to know over the past two semesters, the easiest group of friends I have ever made...
They are like minded. Most of them closer to my age, they get my quirkiness.. they get my visions.. they have the same goals in life as me. A few of them have been through a divorce but we don't really talk about that stuff because it isn't really relevant to what our relationship is about..
I can feel like I am being pulled in many ways..
I haven't been to a Thursday night outing in over a month... I haven't seen two of the people from the Thursday night group that I use to see almost daily.. in over 2 weeks.. I just feel like right now I relate more to my Artsy friends.. right now I want to spend almost all my free time with them and honestly I have..
Yes I've had projects due that I've been working on but it's more about the atmosphere with the people that are there that I am in to.
I talked to my therapist at length about it tonight.. she doesn't think this is bad.. she thinks this is a transition for me. One that I've been working on for a while.. and now it's happening..
She believes it's ok for me to move on to a new group of friends.. and like I told her it's not that I don't want to hang with the old group.. it's just I need some things that they can't provide me.. No one understands this life and career I've chosen other than the people that have also made this choice.. and right now I need people in my life that do understand.
She wants me to think about who I am now as a person... and who I am not.. who I was...
So I'm thinking.. I am trying to come up with a list of who I am, who I am not, and who I was...
I will probably be making a blog post about it here in the next few days...
I know one thing though... I haven't been happier than I am right now.
Wednesday, May 1, 2013
Monday, April 29, 2013
Tempe, AZ or San Diego, CA
These are my two choices.. and I don't know how to choose. Both of these places have amazing Masters of Fine Arts in Photography programs.. both are in the top 10.. one of them will be my home for at least a few years here in the next 3 years..
I know I am starting early.. but I am so excited about my future.. I am so excited about leaving this place.. I am so excited period... but I am also terrified.. never have I had a dream this big.. never have I chased a dream this big..
What if.. it doesn't.. work...
What if I don't get in.. what if it is all for nothing..
I have to do this.. I tell myself I don't live by what ifs anymore in any other aspect of my life.. why do it here?
I will get in to both these schools.. and I will have to choose which one is the best fit for me...
The plan in the next 3 years until I get to that point...
Work hard.. dedication is key..
And travel to both these places at least once to see what they are about.. and decide which one fits me the best.
And if anyone reading this has an input on either one of these places.. please comment :)
I know I am starting early.. but I am so excited about my future.. I am so excited about leaving this place.. I am so excited period... but I am also terrified.. never have I had a dream this big.. never have I chased a dream this big..
What if.. it doesn't.. work...
What if I don't get in.. what if it is all for nothing..
I have to do this.. I tell myself I don't live by what ifs anymore in any other aspect of my life.. why do it here?
I will get in to both these schools.. and I will have to choose which one is the best fit for me...
The plan in the next 3 years until I get to that point...
Work hard.. dedication is key..
And travel to both these places at least once to see what they are about.. and decide which one fits me the best.
And if anyone reading this has an input on either one of these places.. please comment :)
Thursday, April 25, 2013
Photography
My computer was down at work yesterday so I couldn't do hump day hotties.. But I promise to make up for it next Wednesday :)
But anyway.. I've been having a rough time. Well kinda. I can't figure out what's going on with me. I can't sleep.. I'm stressing big time. I'm terrified of the future in so many ways..
It's the end of the semester and that always puts me in hysterics anyway I think because one I have to register for classes again and two that means I won't be doing what I love to do for a while.. I have made it where I will still be in photography for the summer. Just digital.. And I will be taking film 1 again in the spring for more time in the dark room.. Even though I passed that class with flying colors the first time.. I need the darkroom.. It's my happy place and honestly the thought of being without it all summer makes me want to cry.. But I will manage.. Somehow..
This also means I have to start over with meeting people.. Which is fine but still stressful for me.. I love making friends but its not the easiest thing in the world for me. It will be good for me but I still wanna stay in the comforts of my friends I've made this semester and honestly most of them are graduating come May so I might not see them again at all.. Apparently I still have some issues of people leaving me in anyway after C. I'm happy for them and I know they will all achieve great things and their future is starting but still I feel stuck and alone again.. Yes it is all about me.. Haha no really I can't wait til the day I can say I knew them when. Just sucks to get close to people and then life changes but that's how life is right? It moves on and so shall we. I mean I don't plan on being here for the rest of my life either so I don't blame them and hope to be joining them next spring :)
Another thing.. This whole love thing.. I don't think I will ever be in love again.. Straight up honesty there.. I just can't picture it and then today even my SIL made the comment that maybe I should just be single the rest of my life. And I agreed.. I miss being in a relationship. But I think part of that is.. Right now I feel like I'm not really moving forward and I want someone to occupy me while I go through school until I can do what I love.. I hope that makes sense.. I kind of feel that once I do start my career that I won't need someone for a while.. If ever to occupy my heart because photography will fulfill me enough.. I think that sounds horrible but it's true..
Like my therapist says.. Right now photography is the only thing that is giving back to me when the whole rest of the world is taking from me.. And that is so true.. Nothing/no one else makes the effort towards me to show that I'm important as much as I do towards them.. And it's frustrating and lonely and the only time I make up a bit of that emptiness is through photography.. And I feel like it will always be that way..
I don't know if another human being can ever bring to the table what photography for me can.. And that scares me.. But I think part of it has to do with what I've been through.. Every time I put my heart out there I get hurt.. I'm tired of hurting.. I'm tired of lies.. Photography is what it is.. Especially film.. It's so honest.. It's the truth.. So raw and pure and it doesn't lie.. It can bring out emotions with its truth. But you know it's the truth..
But anyway.. I've been having a rough time. Well kinda. I can't figure out what's going on with me. I can't sleep.. I'm stressing big time. I'm terrified of the future in so many ways..
It's the end of the semester and that always puts me in hysterics anyway I think because one I have to register for classes again and two that means I won't be doing what I love to do for a while.. I have made it where I will still be in photography for the summer. Just digital.. And I will be taking film 1 again in the spring for more time in the dark room.. Even though I passed that class with flying colors the first time.. I need the darkroom.. It's my happy place and honestly the thought of being without it all summer makes me want to cry.. But I will manage.. Somehow..
This also means I have to start over with meeting people.. Which is fine but still stressful for me.. I love making friends but its not the easiest thing in the world for me. It will be good for me but I still wanna stay in the comforts of my friends I've made this semester and honestly most of them are graduating come May so I might not see them again at all.. Apparently I still have some issues of people leaving me in anyway after C. I'm happy for them and I know they will all achieve great things and their future is starting but still I feel stuck and alone again.. Yes it is all about me.. Haha no really I can't wait til the day I can say I knew them when. Just sucks to get close to people and then life changes but that's how life is right? It moves on and so shall we. I mean I don't plan on being here for the rest of my life either so I don't blame them and hope to be joining them next spring :)
Another thing.. This whole love thing.. I don't think I will ever be in love again.. Straight up honesty there.. I just can't picture it and then today even my SIL made the comment that maybe I should just be single the rest of my life. And I agreed.. I miss being in a relationship. But I think part of that is.. Right now I feel like I'm not really moving forward and I want someone to occupy me while I go through school until I can do what I love.. I hope that makes sense.. I kind of feel that once I do start my career that I won't need someone for a while.. If ever to occupy my heart because photography will fulfill me enough.. I think that sounds horrible but it's true..
Like my therapist says.. Right now photography is the only thing that is giving back to me when the whole rest of the world is taking from me.. And that is so true.. Nothing/no one else makes the effort towards me to show that I'm important as much as I do towards them.. And it's frustrating and lonely and the only time I make up a bit of that emptiness is through photography.. And I feel like it will always be that way..
I don't know if another human being can ever bring to the table what photography for me can.. And that scares me.. But I think part of it has to do with what I've been through.. Every time I put my heart out there I get hurt.. I'm tired of hurting.. I'm tired of lies.. Photography is what it is.. Especially film.. It's so honest.. It's the truth.. So raw and pure and it doesn't lie.. It can bring out emotions with its truth. But you know it's the truth..
Sunday, April 21, 2013
Wednesday, April 17, 2013
Tuesday, April 16, 2013
That awkward moment..
When you start to gain feelings for someone that you really shouldn't...
But then I ran across this and realized how crazy true it is. People can be meant to be together in many different ways.. I had never really thought of it this way but I will be beginning to. I have friends like this.. that I believe we're meant to be in my life somehow and honestly I am ok with these people just being in my life how ever they were meant to be, even if that means just friends.
But then I ran across this and realized how crazy true it is. People can be meant to be together in many different ways.. I had never really thought of it this way but I will be beginning to. I have friends like this.. that I believe we're meant to be in my life somehow and honestly I am ok with these people just being in my life how ever they were meant to be, even if that means just friends.
Monday, April 15, 2013
This weekend..
This weekend sucked.. it started Friday and just got worse..
I was super emotional this weekend (damn hormones and PMS.. always comes at the most unopportune times) add that to drinks and instead of the usual happy fun drinking K you get the depressed one..
So Saturday, I found out C got married.. and like I said in the post before this one.. I honestly hope this is it for him and that he found his happiness.. Not going to lie though.. When I first found out.. I was pissed... I was so angry that here were these two people who royally screwed me over and they were getting thier "happiness" they were getting what I always wanted.. but then I got over it.. because you know what.. she doesn't know half the shit he has done since they've been together that I do.. she doesn't know that he cheated on her with not only me.. but more than likely other women.. she is the stupid one, he cheated on me for her.. what the hell makes her think that he wouldn't do it to her.. and with that I get the "revenge" that I craved.. because Karma is a bitch.
Then last night... I come home from the bar and S is at his mom's house.. awesome.. that kind of sent me into a tailspin for about 3.5 seconds and then I thought.. well it's his loss, he could have had me.. he is the one who screwed up.. so from here on out, neither of these two guys will have any control over my heart or feelings or anything.. because both of them are the ones that messed up.. both of them at some point have realized that they screwed me over and that they may possibly want me back.. and both of them have been shot down... and in that.. there is some comfort to me, that I know I will not let another man ever treat me the way I've been treated in the past.. I will never let another man make me feel that way..
I am the strongest I have ever been, and I will continue to grow stronger.. and one day there will be a man that comes along that is worth everything that I have to offer. I just know it.
I was super emotional this weekend (damn hormones and PMS.. always comes at the most unopportune times) add that to drinks and instead of the usual happy fun drinking K you get the depressed one..
So Saturday, I found out C got married.. and like I said in the post before this one.. I honestly hope this is it for him and that he found his happiness.. Not going to lie though.. When I first found out.. I was pissed... I was so angry that here were these two people who royally screwed me over and they were getting thier "happiness" they were getting what I always wanted.. but then I got over it.. because you know what.. she doesn't know half the shit he has done since they've been together that I do.. she doesn't know that he cheated on her with not only me.. but more than likely other women.. she is the stupid one, he cheated on me for her.. what the hell makes her think that he wouldn't do it to her.. and with that I get the "revenge" that I craved.. because Karma is a bitch.
Then last night... I come home from the bar and S is at his mom's house.. awesome.. that kind of sent me into a tailspin for about 3.5 seconds and then I thought.. well it's his loss, he could have had me.. he is the one who screwed up.. so from here on out, neither of these two guys will have any control over my heart or feelings or anything.. because both of them are the ones that messed up.. both of them at some point have realized that they screwed me over and that they may possibly want me back.. and both of them have been shot down... and in that.. there is some comfort to me, that I know I will not let another man ever treat me the way I've been treated in the past.. I will never let another man make me feel that way..
I am the strongest I have ever been, and I will continue to grow stronger.. and one day there will be a man that comes along that is worth everything that I have to offer. I just know it.
Sunday, April 14, 2013
Well C got married today
I'm ok..
Did sting a little knowing that his mother tagged a random friend so that I would see it..
But honestly I'm ok an I'm happy for them. I really hope he finds happiness and that this is it for him.
Did sting a little knowing that his mother tagged a random friend so that I would see it..
But honestly I'm ok an I'm happy for them. I really hope he finds happiness and that this is it for him.
Saturday, April 13, 2013
New tattoo :)
I got a new tattoo last night. I was suppose to get it on what would have been Shi's second birthday but due to some financial reasons I was unable to. So I rescheduled it to yesterday because that was the earliest he could get to me. It also happened to be national wear a star day for people who have lost children. I actually didn't know that when I booked the appointment but its super ironic considering its still a day that celebrates Shi's life and because this is my tattoo:
Wednesday, April 10, 2013
Tuesday, April 9, 2013
Gotta Love the South
I'm sad..
I'm sad that I live in a place that is so full of small minded people..
I'm sad that race is still an issue around here..
Especially when it comes to dating..
I have always been tolerant of everyone, of their race, their beliefs, and what not. What you do with your life is your own choice, I won't judge you, you don't judge me, all is fair in love and war.
That guy I met Saturday night.. well he use to be married.. to a black woman..and has babies with her...
And honestly.. I saw it and didn't give it a second thought. He had a wife, I had a husband, he had babies with that wife, I did not, but not for a lack of trying, and I think babies are a wonderful gift from God. Like I said.. didn't give it a second thought.. actually thought "aww he has kids and they are adorable!" and also "Wow he's been thru a divorce too so he can probably relate" The color of their skin was never a thought in my mind.
But my friend that was with me that night, that thought he was so hot as well, that urged me to take him home with me.. she saw his facebook last night and her comment was.. "I'm glad you didn't take him home.. he use to be with a black woman"
I blew up on her.. this is one of my best friends mind you.. I told her that regardless if he was with a purple polka dotted woman from mars before I wouldn't care. I don't see skin color that way. And she went into a racist rant to the point I finally just stopped talking to her last night.
It hurts my heart to know that there are still people out there like that. It hurts my heart to know I have friends like that.. and I really wanted to talk to someone about it last night because I was upset.. but I didn't really know who to turn to because honestly.. most my friends will probably have the same view as her... well at least my white friends.. and I don't know how to bring it up to my friends of different races without myself sounding like I'm judging.. so I really feel alone in this and I don't like it.
I have been attracted to people of all different races because honestly.. it's about how they treat other people, about the size of their heart, and honestly.. we all bleed red.. we are all the same on the inside. Hell S is mixed Latino and White..
I just feel that if one day I do meet the man of my dreams and he so happens to be of a different race.. that I will lose a lot of my friends.. but honestly.. if they were real friends they wouldn't care as long as I was happy.. so I will continue to live my life my way. I'm not going to try to change their views, I didn't try to change her views last night. I basically told her that I was not going to sit there and listen to it because that's not what I believe in. Love is Love.. regardless of race, gender, religious views, and sexual orientation, and I will ALWAYS believe that.
I'm sad that I live in a place that is so full of small minded people..
I'm sad that race is still an issue around here..
Especially when it comes to dating..
I have always been tolerant of everyone, of their race, their beliefs, and what not. What you do with your life is your own choice, I won't judge you, you don't judge me, all is fair in love and war.
That guy I met Saturday night.. well he use to be married.. to a black woman..and has babies with her...
And honestly.. I saw it and didn't give it a second thought. He had a wife, I had a husband, he had babies with that wife, I did not, but not for a lack of trying, and I think babies are a wonderful gift from God. Like I said.. didn't give it a second thought.. actually thought "aww he has kids and they are adorable!" and also "Wow he's been thru a divorce too so he can probably relate" The color of their skin was never a thought in my mind.
But my friend that was with me that night, that thought he was so hot as well, that urged me to take him home with me.. she saw his facebook last night and her comment was.. "I'm glad you didn't take him home.. he use to be with a black woman"
I blew up on her.. this is one of my best friends mind you.. I told her that regardless if he was with a purple polka dotted woman from mars before I wouldn't care. I don't see skin color that way. And she went into a racist rant to the point I finally just stopped talking to her last night.
It hurts my heart to know that there are still people out there like that. It hurts my heart to know I have friends like that.. and I really wanted to talk to someone about it last night because I was upset.. but I didn't really know who to turn to because honestly.. most my friends will probably have the same view as her... well at least my white friends.. and I don't know how to bring it up to my friends of different races without myself sounding like I'm judging.. so I really feel alone in this and I don't like it.
I have been attracted to people of all different races because honestly.. it's about how they treat other people, about the size of their heart, and honestly.. we all bleed red.. we are all the same on the inside. Hell S is mixed Latino and White..
I just feel that if one day I do meet the man of my dreams and he so happens to be of a different race.. that I will lose a lot of my friends.. but honestly.. if they were real friends they wouldn't care as long as I was happy.. so I will continue to live my life my way. I'm not going to try to change their views, I didn't try to change her views last night. I basically told her that I was not going to sit there and listen to it because that's not what I believe in. Love is Love.. regardless of race, gender, religious views, and sexual orientation, and I will ALWAYS believe that.
Sunday, April 7, 2013
Went out last night
For the first time in probably a month or so.
I wouldn't say it was a very exciting night.. It could have been but I guess I am scared.
Met a super hot guy, that was into me too, and he gave me his number and what not. he wanted to hang out after we left but I told him I needed to get home.. Sometimes I wonder why I don't just take people up on these offers? He seemed nice enough. We could have had fun.. Sure something could have happened but I wasn't really planning on that even if we did hang out because I'm not really that type of girl.
I'm just scared still of putting myself out there.. Not to mention he lives about an hour away (he was at a friends house) and even if it did go somewhere I don't know if I'm willing to be with someone that is that far away because let's face it I barely have enough time in the day anyway and throw in an hour or two of traveling to see a guy does not help.
Sigh.. Why does dating after divorce.. Especially a divorce like mine such a mind game..
I wouldn't say it was a very exciting night.. It could have been but I guess I am scared.
Met a super hot guy, that was into me too, and he gave me his number and what not. he wanted to hang out after we left but I told him I needed to get home.. Sometimes I wonder why I don't just take people up on these offers? He seemed nice enough. We could have had fun.. Sure something could have happened but I wasn't really planning on that even if we did hang out because I'm not really that type of girl.
I'm just scared still of putting myself out there.. Not to mention he lives about an hour away (he was at a friends house) and even if it did go somewhere I don't know if I'm willing to be with someone that is that far away because let's face it I barely have enough time in the day anyway and throw in an hour or two of traveling to see a guy does not help.
Sigh.. Why does dating after divorce.. Especially a divorce like mine such a mind game..
Thursday, April 4, 2013
I love Thursdays
Thursdays are my favorite day of the week now.
For one I get to see my fabulous Therapist.. who supports my dreams and helps me figure things out and plans for them (granted she is paid but still it feels good to know someone is backing you when it seems as if no one else is)
And Thursdays are wing nights...
I have been going to Thursday Wing nights for a little over a year now and I am so glad that I accidentally got pulled into this group of people.
Most of us are single. Most of them are older. But they all know how I feel and have been where I am because every single person at that table (married or in fact single) have been thru a divorce and have or are working on figuring things out life after divorce.
I have met some of my best friends there and really it's like a support group but not in a support group setting.
I look forward to every Thursday when I get to see them. That's when I can let loose and be myself, and know that there are people out there that truly love me for me.
We have become a family
And to think had none of this happened in my life.. I would have never met any of these wonderful people..
So Good truly does come out of the darkest storms sometimes.
For one I get to see my fabulous Therapist.. who supports my dreams and helps me figure things out and plans for them (granted she is paid but still it feels good to know someone is backing you when it seems as if no one else is)
And Thursdays are wing nights...
I have been going to Thursday Wing nights for a little over a year now and I am so glad that I accidentally got pulled into this group of people.
Most of us are single. Most of them are older. But they all know how I feel and have been where I am because every single person at that table (married or in fact single) have been thru a divorce and have or are working on figuring things out life after divorce.
I have met some of my best friends there and really it's like a support group but not in a support group setting.
I look forward to every Thursday when I get to see them. That's when I can let loose and be myself, and know that there are people out there that truly love me for me.
We have become a family
And to think had none of this happened in my life.. I would have never met any of these wonderful people..
So Good truly does come out of the darkest storms sometimes.
Wednesday, April 3, 2013
Feeling Much Better
I honestly don't know what was going on with me earlier this week.. but I'm glad it's over.
Today I'm back to being my normal crazy, hyper self :)
I decided last night that is was time for me to worry about myself again.
Lately I have been falling back into the old routine of making sure everyone else is taken care of before I am.. and not worrying about what I want or need. I believe that probably had something to do with how I have been feeling the past few days..
I'm going to act crazy and silly..
I'm going to be the happiest behind a camera.. and spend way too much time being there..
I'm going to get tattoos because I think they are a beautiful way to express yourself thru art...
I'm going to persue my dreams no matter how crazy others think they are...
I'm going to listen to rap music and country music within the same 10 mins...
I'm going to go nerd and watch all the star wars movies... or lord of the ring movies sometimes in one sitting...
I'm going to be opinionated and way what I think...
I'm not going to be a pushover...
I'm going to be me and not care what anyone else thinks..
because that's who I am...
Today I'm back to being my normal crazy, hyper self :)
I decided last night that is was time for me to worry about myself again.
Lately I have been falling back into the old routine of making sure everyone else is taken care of before I am.. and not worrying about what I want or need. I believe that probably had something to do with how I have been feeling the past few days..
I'm going to act crazy and silly..
I'm going to be the happiest behind a camera.. and spend way too much time being there..
I'm going to get tattoos because I think they are a beautiful way to express yourself thru art...
I'm going to persue my dreams no matter how crazy others think they are...
I'm going to listen to rap music and country music within the same 10 mins...
I'm going to go nerd and watch all the star wars movies... or lord of the ring movies sometimes in one sitting...
I'm going to be opinionated and way what I think...
I'm not going to be a pushover...
I'm going to be me and not care what anyone else thinks..
because that's who I am...
Hump Day Hotties 4/3/13
Ok so it's been a while since I did this.. I use to do a hottie parade every Wednesday on TTCAL. It was the highlight of my week, since I don't post there anymore though I haven't done it. I miss seeing my hotties!! So I decided to restart my weekly tradition again here on my blog lol so without further ado... I give you this week's hotties!! Yummmmmmm!
Tuesday, April 2, 2013
Been fighting back tears for 2 days now
I honestly have no idea what is wrong with me.. I am constantly biting my lip to keep the tears from coming.. I feel myself hermitting up, not only at home but at work too.
I don't want to be around people.. I don't want to deal with life..
I feel so alone.. all the time..
That is a contradiction in itsself. I don't want to be around people but I'm tired of being alone.
These feelings have come out of no where, seeing as I've been extremely happy as of lately..
I just don't know what to do anymore.. I guess I need to talk to my therapist about it at this week's session.. and see if we can come up with a solution or something..
I just feel so hopeless at the moment
I don't want to be around people.. I don't want to deal with life..
I feel so alone.. all the time..
That is a contradiction in itsself. I don't want to be around people but I'm tired of being alone.
These feelings have come out of no where, seeing as I've been extremely happy as of lately..
I just don't know what to do anymore.. I guess I need to talk to my therapist about it at this week's session.. and see if we can come up with a solution or something..
I just feel so hopeless at the moment
Monday, April 1, 2013
It's 4:03 and I can't sleep..
While I've struggled with insomnia often in the past year or so this is ridiculous...
So much running through my head an I'm actually exhausted but my mind won't shut up enough to get some sleep... Gah!
Right now I'm feeling very down. Today was just bad.. I felt criticized for everything, for every choice I've made in my life, I felt like nothing Ido is ever good enough.
Somehow I've managed to avoid these feelings for a while but it seemed like every time I opened my mouth today there was someone to put me down.. My family in particular..
I thought we had gotten over the whole thing of me changing my major to photography but apparently not.. Apparently they don't believe in me.. They think I'm going to be a starving artist and I'm wasting my time.. And honestly that realization today that they really think this... Hurts me worse than anything in the past has..
I'm not good enough for even my family.. My own family.. So glad they are supportive... :(
So much running through my head an I'm actually exhausted but my mind won't shut up enough to get some sleep... Gah!
Right now I'm feeling very down. Today was just bad.. I felt criticized for everything, for every choice I've made in my life, I felt like nothing Ido is ever good enough.
Somehow I've managed to avoid these feelings for a while but it seemed like every time I opened my mouth today there was someone to put me down.. My family in particular..
I thought we had gotten over the whole thing of me changing my major to photography but apparently not.. Apparently they don't believe in me.. They think I'm going to be a starving artist and I'm wasting my time.. And honestly that realization today that they really think this... Hurts me worse than anything in the past has..
I'm not good enough for even my family.. My own family.. So glad they are supportive... :(
Sunday, March 31, 2013
There are not a limited number of men in the world...
Oh wait.. Yes there are.. Shit
Back after my miscarriage I use to say that to myself to get over the bitter feelings I had towards pregnant women.. There are not a limited number of babies.. I will get my own one day.
After the 10th engagement status that popped up on my Facebook newsfeed this week I tried to tell myself that there are not a limited number of men in the world.. But honestly there is.. Especially where I live where where women outnumber men probably 2 to 1.
So what does that mean to me? It means that there are less and less decent men in this county.. It means to me that in all honesty I won't find a man until I get out of this rinky dink town.. Which I plan to... In about 4 years.. Lol so for now I plan to be single until I'm 27-28 because honestly I don't think there are many more decent men in this county that are left in my age range. That doesn't mean that I don't get a twinge of jealousy every time I see a new engagement. I'm happy for them all but damn really? Lol
Back after my miscarriage I use to say that to myself to get over the bitter feelings I had towards pregnant women.. There are not a limited number of babies.. I will get my own one day.
After the 10th engagement status that popped up on my Facebook newsfeed this week I tried to tell myself that there are not a limited number of men in the world.. But honestly there is.. Especially where I live where where women outnumber men probably 2 to 1.
So what does that mean to me? It means that there are less and less decent men in this county.. It means to me that in all honesty I won't find a man until I get out of this rinky dink town.. Which I plan to... In about 4 years.. Lol so for now I plan to be single until I'm 27-28 because honestly I don't think there are many more decent men in this county that are left in my age range. That doesn't mean that I don't get a twinge of jealousy every time I see a new engagement. I'm happy for them all but damn really? Lol
Saturday, March 30, 2013
Birds of a feather flock together..
I've heard this sentiment more than a few times during the past few weeks in sociology class and it has me thinking..
If that's true.. My ideal man will have to be a nerdy artistic Star Wars loving country boy with tattoos galore that loves cars who also is sarcastic and able to hold a conversation that includes big words (in other words, highly educated) yeah.. That shouldn't be too hard to find...
I'm doomed to be alone forever... Haha
If that's true.. My ideal man will have to be a nerdy artistic Star Wars loving country boy with tattoos galore that loves cars who also is sarcastic and able to hold a conversation that includes big words (in other words, highly educated) yeah.. That shouldn't be too hard to find...
I'm doomed to be alone forever... Haha
Thursday, March 28, 2013
Friends.... with benefits?
When I say I am not currently looking for a man right now, I honestly mean it. I am happy single, I am happy with what I am doing with my life, and I am happy with the path I am on.
That's not to say that despite me not being out there looking for a man that they are not looking at me and trying to contact me. And not saying that if a certain guy came into my life that I could see being with, I wouldn't go for it.
But the thing about all these guys are that they aren't looking for a relationship. All of them are looking for a hook up and if anyone knows anything about me that reads this blog, they know that I am not into the whole "hit it and quit it" thing. I have values, I have morals, I have standards.
It is extremely frustrating though because honestly it's making me believe that, that is all guys want now of days. Goes back to the saying "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?" I just feel like guys expect every girl to just let them do that. I'm not knocking women that do the whole friends with benefits thing, don't get me wrong, it's your body do with it what you want, I am just saying I am not that type, but it seems like all the guys in my area expect all the women to be that way.
I will be straight up and say that I miss sex like crazy.. it's been 10 months almost.. it sucks.. because I admit that I am a very sexual being. But like I said.. random hook-ups is not my style, and I would rather wait (or use B.O.B.) than to be left feeling like I'm being used by a man that will probably forget how to text/call/talk to me once they get what they are looking for.. been there.. done that.. and some days it still bothers me about that guy because unfortunately I let my heart get ahead of myself on that one.
Just this week I've had 3 guys text me.. wanting to hook up... and once I shot that idea down they stopped texting me.. until the next time they are horny and try again...
I have one friend that I have known since high school. That a couple months ago moved about an hour away. He then tells me that he has always had feelings for me... but he doesn't want a long distance relationship (ok one... an hour is not that long of a distance, and two.. I couldn't see myself being with him even if he was here in town still.. he was like another brother to me in high school and I'm just not into him that way.. but anyway I digress) yet every time he is in town, visiting his family.. he texts me wanting to just "hook up" WTF? honestly I never saw him as that type of guy but the first time he did that it totally made me see him in a different light, he was no longer the sweet guy that I knew in high school.. but someone who had let me down.. the one guy that I thought I wouldn't hear that from once me and my ex split up.. but it proved to me more.. that most guys have one thing on their mind..especially when they think you are lonely and vulnerable.. and like I said.. EVERY TIME he is in town I get the same text.. only now I delete and ignore..
So right now I am kind of going into a little bit of a man hating phase.. I'm tired of the question, I'm tired of the texts, I am tired of being let down by a guy that I think is genuinely nice and then they pop that out there. When I tell them that I don't plan on having sex again outside of a relationship they try to talk me out of my decision.. and then tell me that they aren't really looking for a relationship.. awesome.. thanks for wasting my time dude...
Oh and whats worse.. the guys that have girlfriends that are texting me about hooking up too.. but we will get into that another day.
Thursday, March 21, 2013
It hits like a rock
Even though I really am ok with not being in a relationship and not actively looking for one... some days it just hits me that I am going home alone yet again.. nothing to look forward to at home.. no one to kiss me, hug me, touch me at all..
I miss all those things the most.. the snuggling, the kissing.. just the feeling of someone else's presence..
I don't know whats up with me.. maybe because here at work they are listening to all the sappy country songs that make you want to be in love..
I miss those things.. I don't miss the drama...
And I wonder if I will ever be able to get over the drama enough to know that it's worth it.
And is it really worth it?
I don't know any more.. I just know that nights like tonight suck.. And I hope one day there will be someone that makes all these crappy nights worth it.
I miss all those things the most.. the snuggling, the kissing.. just the feeling of someone else's presence..
I don't know whats up with me.. maybe because here at work they are listening to all the sappy country songs that make you want to be in love..
I miss those things.. I don't miss the drama...
And I wonder if I will ever be able to get over the drama enough to know that it's worth it.
And is it really worth it?
I don't know any more.. I just know that nights like tonight suck.. And I hope one day there will be someone that makes all these crappy nights worth it.
Monday, March 18, 2013
I'm divorced
Have been since March 7th :)
I just haven't had time to write. Last Friday I went and got my name changed back and now I just got to go get my new license. Little steps
I'm so happy, it honestly feels like a new chapter and I'm not ready to soil the pages yet with trying to love again.
I feel like that will come in time, I'm tired of putting up with BS from guys who only want a hook up.. it's not going to happen.. I respect myself way too much for that so lately a lot of guys have come and gone when I don't give it up and while it pisses me off that so many guys are that way. I am ok with waiting.. I know there is someone out there that understands, that will be there for me, not for what I can give them.
One day :)
Until then I am going to be me, do me, and be happy.
Life is good.
I just haven't had time to write. Last Friday I went and got my name changed back and now I just got to go get my new license. Little steps
I'm so happy, it honestly feels like a new chapter and I'm not ready to soil the pages yet with trying to love again.
I feel like that will come in time, I'm tired of putting up with BS from guys who only want a hook up.. it's not going to happen.. I respect myself way too much for that so lately a lot of guys have come and gone when I don't give it up and while it pisses me off that so many guys are that way. I am ok with waiting.. I know there is someone out there that understands, that will be there for me, not for what I can give them.
One day :)
Until then I am going to be me, do me, and be happy.
Life is good.
Thursday, February 21, 2013
Odd Encounter
Remember S? The one guy after C that I kinda gave my heart to and then got stomped on?
Well as I have said before his mother lives next door to me. But since he stopped talking to me he has kind of avoided me. Every time he is there, which isn't as often as he was before everything happened, he has quickly ran into the house and if I was outside he would keep on driving.
Well last night was different. He pulled up to his mom's house about 2 seconds after I pulled into my driveway.. I just went on about my business because whats the point in waving at him or whatever when he isn't going to wave back. I'm over it totally, it really hurt what happened between us but I decided a long time ago not to dwell on dumbasses that don't realize what I'm worth.
But anyway back to the story..
As I am getting things out of my car he yells "Hey!" dumbfounded I turn around and say hey back to him but still continue to carry things inside my house. As weird as that was it got weirder... he then starts to walk over to me..
uhh...
He comes up to me and gives me a hugs and asks how I've been. I tell him I've been doing great and ask him the same thing. He tells me he is still working with kids and doing well. We exchange chit chat for a few mins and then he says.. oh well we should hang out sometime.. in my head I'm going WTF has gotten in to him. I say sure why not and he asks if I still have his number.. I tell him I do and he was like ok good Text me sometime and gives me a hug again. He tells me he will see me later and walks away.
I'm standing here completely in shock.. wtf is his game? what is he trying to pull? This is the only other man than C that I have "been" with, the only other man than C that I actually tore the brick wall down for, and like C he hurt me pretty badly..
Oh and to top it off. I just got back from the Gym when all this happened so I look like a mess! Figures lol I couldn't look hot when my gorgeous "ex" just happens to stop by. lol.
But anyway.. at this point I don't think I will call him or text him.. I don't think I will give him the satisfaction, it's been 7 months since we've talked. Yeah I understand I freaked him out a bit with the divorce stuff, I honestly thought he knew, but that didn't give him the right to just drop me. He should have been straight up about it. It feels as though lately because my divorce is finally so close that all the men that I EVER talked to are popping out of the wood work.. S included. I really liked him, but I respect myself more than to put myself in that situation again. I tried that with C too many times, I learned my lesson way back then.
Well as I have said before his mother lives next door to me. But since he stopped talking to me he has kind of avoided me. Every time he is there, which isn't as often as he was before everything happened, he has quickly ran into the house and if I was outside he would keep on driving.
Well last night was different. He pulled up to his mom's house about 2 seconds after I pulled into my driveway.. I just went on about my business because whats the point in waving at him or whatever when he isn't going to wave back. I'm over it totally, it really hurt what happened between us but I decided a long time ago not to dwell on dumbasses that don't realize what I'm worth.
But anyway back to the story..
As I am getting things out of my car he yells "Hey!" dumbfounded I turn around and say hey back to him but still continue to carry things inside my house. As weird as that was it got weirder... he then starts to walk over to me..
uhh...
He comes up to me and gives me a hugs and asks how I've been. I tell him I've been doing great and ask him the same thing. He tells me he is still working with kids and doing well. We exchange chit chat for a few mins and then he says.. oh well we should hang out sometime.. in my head I'm going WTF has gotten in to him. I say sure why not and he asks if I still have his number.. I tell him I do and he was like ok good Text me sometime and gives me a hug again. He tells me he will see me later and walks away.
I'm standing here completely in shock.. wtf is his game? what is he trying to pull? This is the only other man than C that I have "been" with, the only other man than C that I actually tore the brick wall down for, and like C he hurt me pretty badly..
Oh and to top it off. I just got back from the Gym when all this happened so I look like a mess! Figures lol I couldn't look hot when my gorgeous "ex" just happens to stop by. lol.
But anyway.. at this point I don't think I will call him or text him.. I don't think I will give him the satisfaction, it's been 7 months since we've talked. Yeah I understand I freaked him out a bit with the divorce stuff, I honestly thought he knew, but that didn't give him the right to just drop me. He should have been straight up about it. It feels as though lately because my divorce is finally so close that all the men that I EVER talked to are popping out of the wood work.. S included. I really liked him, but I respect myself more than to put myself in that situation again. I tried that with C too many times, I learned my lesson way back then.
Monday, February 18, 2013
Deep Random Thoughts
Every now and then I find myself once again dreaming of the future.
I had tried to stop that and live in the present and I've been doing tremendously at it. Lets face it, living for the future hasn't done me much good in the past.
For instance the other day.. I thought about how I will be 24 this year.. seems strange to even say that. Granted it's 10 months away but still. I kinda have felt like time has stopped in some sense and that growing older was one of those things. But unfortunately (and fortunately) it's not and it's a weird concept that I am so close to being 24 when just a few years ago I was saying I wanted to have at least one baby by the time I was 25 and at this rate that will not happen and I'm not even sure if I would want it to anyway.
It's strange that just two years ago I was still making plans for a family with C. Seems so long ago but then again not. Some days it's hard to believe that I've been living without the one person, that I thought I would never be able to, for almost two straight years. And that I can say that I am happier without him. Honestly never thought that would be possible.
Some days I can't see myself with anyone ever again, just because I like who I am now, and I guess I worry a bit that I will somehow lose this person that I am by being in a relationship again. I have days that I can picture myself single and living it up for the rest of my life, not being "burdened" by drama and stupid things that I had to deal with when I was with C.
And I have to tell myself that not every relationship that I will be in is going to be like the one that C and I had. I refuse to have a relationship like that again anyway. And not every man is going to be like C. I guess because he is all I really know it's hard for me to picture because I don't know what it would be like.
I guess where I am now is that I am not planning for the future. I am living in the present. BUT I do hope for the future. I hope that some day I do meet a man that removes all doubt that I can be happy in a relationship, that removes all stereotypes, admitted or not, that I may or may not have for men. I hope that some day I do have a child, one that is made from love, and that knows what it's like to have both parents in utter love with them and each other.
I have hope for the future. I am not planning anything because I may end up alone for the rest of my life. I may never have children. I may never find that man. And I am fairly certain I will survive and be perfectly fine if that does happen.
I had tried to stop that and live in the present and I've been doing tremendously at it. Lets face it, living for the future hasn't done me much good in the past.
For instance the other day.. I thought about how I will be 24 this year.. seems strange to even say that. Granted it's 10 months away but still. I kinda have felt like time has stopped in some sense and that growing older was one of those things. But unfortunately (and fortunately) it's not and it's a weird concept that I am so close to being 24 when just a few years ago I was saying I wanted to have at least one baby by the time I was 25 and at this rate that will not happen and I'm not even sure if I would want it to anyway.
It's strange that just two years ago I was still making plans for a family with C. Seems so long ago but then again not. Some days it's hard to believe that I've been living without the one person, that I thought I would never be able to, for almost two straight years. And that I can say that I am happier without him. Honestly never thought that would be possible.
Some days I can't see myself with anyone ever again, just because I like who I am now, and I guess I worry a bit that I will somehow lose this person that I am by being in a relationship again. I have days that I can picture myself single and living it up for the rest of my life, not being "burdened" by drama and stupid things that I had to deal with when I was with C.
And I have to tell myself that not every relationship that I will be in is going to be like the one that C and I had. I refuse to have a relationship like that again anyway. And not every man is going to be like C. I guess because he is all I really know it's hard for me to picture because I don't know what it would be like.
I guess where I am now is that I am not planning for the future. I am living in the present. BUT I do hope for the future. I hope that some day I do meet a man that removes all doubt that I can be happy in a relationship, that removes all stereotypes, admitted or not, that I may or may not have for men. I hope that some day I do have a child, one that is made from love, and that knows what it's like to have both parents in utter love with them and each other.
I have hope for the future. I am not planning anything because I may end up alone for the rest of my life. I may never have children. I may never find that man. And I am fairly certain I will survive and be perfectly fine if that does happen.
Saturday, February 16, 2013
March 7th
This week I finally got a date. March 7th is the court date for our second and hopefully final divorce hearing.
Counting down the days til I no longer am associated with C.
Yesterday he texted me wanting to "chit-chat" and I politely told him not to contact me anymore since I have been ignoring his constant texts for the past month and a half about wanting to talk about everything.
I'm all talked out. He should have wanted to talk 18 months ago.. not now, not in the short rows of the official end of our relationship.
I told him that we are no longer the people we were so many years ago. That there is nothing between us anymore. That I am happier than I have ever been and that I am no longer living in the past but focusing on my present and parts of my future. And that is how I am going to live from here on out. He is my past and he will stay my past. Once March 7th comes, it will be as if there were never a K and C.
The only thing I acknowledge at this point from that chapter is Shi baby.
Counting down the days til I no longer am associated with C.
Yesterday he texted me wanting to "chit-chat" and I politely told him not to contact me anymore since I have been ignoring his constant texts for the past month and a half about wanting to talk about everything.
I'm all talked out. He should have wanted to talk 18 months ago.. not now, not in the short rows of the official end of our relationship.
I told him that we are no longer the people we were so many years ago. That there is nothing between us anymore. That I am happier than I have ever been and that I am no longer living in the past but focusing on my present and parts of my future. And that is how I am going to live from here on out. He is my past and he will stay my past. Once March 7th comes, it will be as if there were never a K and C.
The only thing I acknowledge at this point from that chapter is Shi baby.
Sunday, January 13, 2013
Been Feeling Really Good
Lately I have been so happy. I don't know what it is. I just feel like this new year is going to be wonderful for me.
I did have a few downer days.. ran into S last weekend and that hurt after 6 months of not talking to him.. but I got revenge kinda.. he couldn't keep his eyes off me.. yet I paid him no mind.. sometimes it's nice to be lusted after by someone who could have had you had they just given you the time and day. But I'm back to where I was. Super happy K.
Also ran into another guy today that I had previously talked to. I really liked this guy as well and thought it was going to go somewhere until he went to a party and I heard from him once after.. then a week later I found out he had a new girlfriend.. again a sting.. but today when I saw him with said gf I couldn't help but smile. He was not the man I thought he was and even though I have super bad self esteem issues usually this girl was definitely a downgrade from me that I could tell is just using him. I made sure to give him a little smile and a wave and I could tell on his face as well that he realized the same thing I did.
But honestly as long as everyone's happy I'm happy for them. I don't need a man in my life and right now I am not looking for one. If one happens to pop up or come back into my life we will see how it goes. If not.. oh well.
School started last week. I absolutely love my classes. 2 photography classes and a printmaking class. Then sociology and humanities and a gym class.
Honestly in the 3 days I have been in Sociology, the more I think about not getting married again. For one studies show that most 2nd marriages fail as well. Second I just don't want to deal with the drama that comes with it or the social expectations of it. Sometimes I feel as though I am so much better off alone.
Funny thing is.. those two are not the only ones who have realized they messed up and could have had a good thing..
C texted me.. saying he wanted to be friends and try to talk about everything last week.
Last night T.. the last guy that it was starting to get serious with until I found out about a lie he had been telling me, texted me and called me in tears saying he knew he messed up.
Again this is another reason why I am not really looking for anyone right now because it seems like every guy I get interested in and it starts to get serious with freaks out on me and disappears only to re-appear and saying they realize how amazing I am and that they are sorry.
Sorry doesn't mean anything to me.. actions mean everything and I wonder if there is a guy out there that can actually think about something before acting it out which in turn leaves me to push them out of my life. I don't think so.. I want a man who thinks about consequences before actions and realizes how great I am before he screws up. And yes.. all of these "men" above.. I gave at least one more chance to to make it right so I'm not completely cold hearted but I am not stupid enough to give them anymore chances.
Bigger and better things are coming my way.. that is my motto for the year and I am not going to settle for anything less than I deserve in every way possible.
Wednesday, January 2, 2013
Papers
I got them today :)
Honestly can't remember the last time a smile lasted this long on my face.
New year.. new me... new start!
30 days or so I will have my name back.. and no longer be tied to C in any way shape or form.
That's really something to celebrate!
Honestly can't remember the last time a smile lasted this long on my face.
New year.. new me... new start!
30 days or so I will have my name back.. and no longer be tied to C in any way shape or form.
That's really something to celebrate!
Tuesday, January 1, 2013
Whew.. a New Year again..
Feels like I was just writing about the New Year not too long ago. 2012 was just as rough as the past 3 years have been with a little good thrown in.
This year I learned a lot about myself and my strengths. I learned how to stand up for myself. I learned that I can do anything I put my mind to. This year I made some big decisions.
This year I learned a lot about myself and my strengths. I learned how to stand up for myself. I learned that I can do anything I put my mind to. This year I made some big decisions.
- I changed my major
- I officially cut C from my life
- I continued on making the house my own
- I refused to settle for less than I deserved because I was lonely
- I stopped chasing people that used me
- I became who I really am.. and I'm still working on that
- I don't let people run me over anymore
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