It's not over...

Yesterday was my court date for my divorce... it was suppose to be the end to this chapter.. it was suppose to be the beginning of me again, completely me.. with no left over baggage... no last name that I obtained from him...

but it wasn't... I got to the courtroom only to be told I was missing a stupid bullshit piece of paper that said the same thing all other 5 pieces of paper had on it.

I got the paper and took it back up there... only to be told that my case had been dismissed and that I would have to re-file... another $265... I'm glad they think I'm made out of money... but really thats not even the big problem..

The big problem I have is that I have been waiting 14 months for this to be over... and now it's going to be at least another 2-2.5 months before I can even have that hope that it will be over..

His baby will be almost 6 months old... talk about a slap in the face considering that is pretty much why we split up according to him... because he wasn't ready for a child... yet come to find out his gf was already pregnant before we even split up...

I'm at the lowest point right now that I have been for a looooong looong time... this hurts even more than him leaving, this hurts even more than finding out he cheated on me, even more than finding out he had a baby with another woman.... I feel like I will never be able to fully get away and that this is going to be an ongoing thing...

I feel like I will never be free again...

Defeated...

This week is already taking it's toll on me..

The past week or so I have felt this slow decline of myself.. I know what it is.. I know how to fix it... well sort of..

I have too much on my plate right now and people just keep adding more..

School is... well school. Some days I love it, some days I hate it. Sometimes it's a struggle to keep up, but I have given up on school before and I refuse to now, so I put all my extra energy into it to keep up and stick with it.

Work... work is hell.. I work with people who refuse to do their jobs.. so the few hours I am there now a week not only do I have to catch up on my work but I have to do their work too and some days it's just too much. Like this morning for instance.. my mom calls me up as I'm on my way to class talking about my SIL isn't going to be there today and they are going to be short handed.. blah blah blah... my response... "What do you want me to do?"

I feel so much pressure from them.. pressure to stay in school, pressure to be at work and I'm torn.. like either way I'm letting them down and it's my childhood all over again..

I was doing so well living my life for myself... and now it's like I'm trapped back into this lifestyle of doing what makes other people happy... of making sure everything else and everyone else is taken care of before my own needs... and I really really don't want to go back to that..

I just don't know how to tell people that I come first without it starting a fight... or without me losing my job... or anything like that...

I have to have a job. I have a lot of bills to pay and I am barely making it as it is some months...

I just feel so defeated at the moment...

30 days

Today it has been 30 days since C has been served with divorce papers.. and he hasn't responded yet.. which makes for one happy K. That means I can go down to the courthouse and get a courtdate.. it means there is just one more step until I am a free woman. Today is a great day.

Good Cry

Had myself a good cry last night.. probably one that was overdue for some time now. I haven't really cried in months.. other than a few tears at therapy a couple weeks ago but I don't really count that as a good cry.

I am just so busy and so stressed out right now that I could feel it coming on from 1:00 pm yesterday and finally I let loose around 10ish last night.. of course it was while watching the last episode of King of Queens where they are about to get a divorce but then they get the call from the adoption agency.. cue tears.. my first reaction was I should not have watched this episode, fully knowing what it was about.. my second reaction... embrace the tears... embrace the mascara streaked look. Let it out, no one is watching.

I felt so much better after that. Like a weight had lifted off my shoulder. Thinking back to what I was crying about.. it had nothing to do with C or a guy or being alone.. it was about me feeling overworked and stressed.. but I still would rather be busy then sitting at home doing nothing.. I just had to let out fustration. I'm glad that it wasn't a emotional thing for me. Now I'm sitting here, perfectly fine, and taking on all my tasks. I can handle whatever comes my way.. and I know there are reasons that I can say that now... way back when I would have just given up.. dropped one of the classes and not worried about it. Now.. I know I can do it and I am determined to show everyone I can.

I have so much strength these days

Odd sort of feelings

It seems as since C left that I have wondered if I would ever find love again and I have constantly looked for it since then...

This weekend I went out to see a band play that I went to high school with most the members. It was fun, I ran into a lot of old friends and it was nice to see them and catch up.. I don't know when it happened but somewhere among all that the want to find someone ceased..

At this point I don't care anymore.. I don't know if it's because I saw married men out there hitting on single women, I don't know if it's because most the guys I met out there that I didn't already know seemed to only want one thing and kept putting their hands not only on me but on the 200 other women there or what.. but I don't want a man right now.. I don't want to deal with that bullshit.

I want to be happy but at this moment I don't think a man is going to bring me happiness.. especially if I have this mentality of that is how "most" men are.

I do get lonely and it sucks.. but I'd rather be lonely then be unhappy if that makes sense...

I just don't know if there is a man out there for me that I can completely believe that he will be faithful.. or that I can completely love... it sucks... but it's the truth for me at the moment and I don't know if that belief will ever change.. in a way I feel like I'm giving up which pisses me off because I'm not that type of girl.. but at the same time I feel like I am being a realist, why struggle and hurt for something that just doesn't seem to be in the cards for you..

So how are you doing these days??

I get that question a lot.. from tons of different people, people I haven't seen or talked to in years, people I see daily, people that I have maybe only spoken to once, my therapist once a week..

It's really a loaded question depending on the day and time it's asked.

Today for instance I am doing fine. I feel happiness. I have hope in the future.. that someday everything will be as I dream..

But also I know that can change in an instant. Let a song come on that makes me think of something, let someone say some one's name and an image will pop in my mind, let a smell waft up that brings up a bittersweet memory..

Talking to my therapist this past week I truly realize that everything that hurts is the grief over a broken dream.. it isn't over losing C. I can tell you a million times a day and it be the truth every time... I DO NOT MISS HIM.... AT ALL. I miss what I had at one point with him, back when I thought he was a different person, back when I saw all my dreams in a pretty little straight line, just working to each point. Now that line is curved and twisted and overlapping and pretty much completely scribbly (haha made up word). YET... I am happy and I am slowly ironing out that line as I go.

This is my story and it's not over yet.. something of which I have reminded myself a lot over the past 13 months. IT'S NOT OVER YET! This is just another beginning, just another chapter.

I am truly wild at heart and never even knew it. I think the reason I stayed with C so long, the reason I married him was because to me he was safe.. he kept me grounded.. and somewhat normal.. I'm learning that normal is boring.. so I'm a little eccentric... so I like to have fun.. that is what life is about.. Why do I have to conform to some one's definition of normal?

I can say that while I have been separated from C for 13 months now.. I still felt held down at times... since I have filed... I have blossomed.. I am no longer really shy, I will talk to anyone.. I have made friends already this semester... 3 weeks in!! I have taken 2 semesters of classes before this one since C left and I couldn't tell you the names of any of my classmates in those classes. I go out.. I don't stick myself at home and torture myself.. screw that, I'm having fun. I am truly the happiest Ive been since I can remember.