So how are you doing these days??

I get that question a lot.. from tons of different people, people I haven't seen or talked to in years, people I see daily, people that I have maybe only spoken to once, my therapist once a week..

It's really a loaded question depending on the day and time it's asked.

Today for instance I am doing fine. I feel happiness. I have hope in the future.. that someday everything will be as I dream..

But also I know that can change in an instant. Let a song come on that makes me think of something, let someone say some one's name and an image will pop in my mind, let a smell waft up that brings up a bittersweet memory..

Talking to my therapist this past week I truly realize that everything that hurts is the grief over a broken dream.. it isn't over losing C. I can tell you a million times a day and it be the truth every time... I DO NOT MISS HIM.... AT ALL. I miss what I had at one point with him, back when I thought he was a different person, back when I saw all my dreams in a pretty little straight line, just working to each point. Now that line is curved and twisted and overlapping and pretty much completely scribbly (haha made up word). YET... I am happy and I am slowly ironing out that line as I go.

This is my story and it's not over yet.. something of which I have reminded myself a lot over the past 13 months. IT'S NOT OVER YET! This is just another beginning, just another chapter.

I am truly wild at heart and never even knew it. I think the reason I stayed with C so long, the reason I married him was because to me he was safe.. he kept me grounded.. and somewhat normal.. I'm learning that normal is boring.. so I'm a little eccentric... so I like to have fun.. that is what life is about.. Why do I have to conform to some one's definition of normal?

I can say that while I have been separated from C for 13 months now.. I still felt held down at times... since I have filed... I have blossomed.. I am no longer really shy, I will talk to anyone.. I have made friends already this semester... 3 weeks in!! I have taken 2 semesters of classes before this one since C left and I couldn't tell you the names of any of my classmates in those classes. I go out.. I don't stick myself at home and torture myself.. screw that, I'm having fun. I am truly the happiest Ive been since I can remember.