Defeated...

This week is already taking it's toll on me..

The past week or so I have felt this slow decline of myself.. I know what it is.. I know how to fix it... well sort of..

I have too much on my plate right now and people just keep adding more..

School is... well school. Some days I love it, some days I hate it. Sometimes it's a struggle to keep up, but I have given up on school before and I refuse to now, so I put all my extra energy into it to keep up and stick with it.

Work... work is hell.. I work with people who refuse to do their jobs.. so the few hours I am there now a week not only do I have to catch up on my work but I have to do their work too and some days it's just too much. Like this morning for instance.. my mom calls me up as I'm on my way to class talking about my SIL isn't going to be there today and they are going to be short handed.. blah blah blah... my response... "What do you want me to do?"

I feel so much pressure from them.. pressure to stay in school, pressure to be at work and I'm torn.. like either way I'm letting them down and it's my childhood all over again..

I was doing so well living my life for myself... and now it's like I'm trapped back into this lifestyle of doing what makes other people happy... of making sure everything else and everyone else is taken care of before my own needs... and I really really don't want to go back to that..

I just don't know how to tell people that I come first without it starting a fight... or without me losing my job... or anything like that...

I have to have a job. I have a lot of bills to pay and I am barely making it as it is some months...

I just feel so defeated at the moment...