Odd sort of feelings

It seems as since C left that I have wondered if I would ever find love again and I have constantly looked for it since then...

This weekend I went out to see a band play that I went to high school with most the members. It was fun, I ran into a lot of old friends and it was nice to see them and catch up.. I don't know when it happened but somewhere among all that the want to find someone ceased..

At this point I don't care anymore.. I don't know if it's because I saw married men out there hitting on single women, I don't know if it's because most the guys I met out there that I didn't already know seemed to only want one thing and kept putting their hands not only on me but on the 200 other women there or what.. but I don't want a man right now.. I don't want to deal with that bullshit.

I want to be happy but at this moment I don't think a man is going to bring me happiness.. especially if I have this mentality of that is how "most" men are.

I do get lonely and it sucks.. but I'd rather be lonely then be unhappy if that makes sense...

I just don't know if there is a man out there for me that I can completely believe that he will be faithful.. or that I can completely love... it sucks... but it's the truth for me at the moment and I don't know if that belief will ever change.. in a way I feel like I'm giving up which pisses me off because I'm not that type of girl.. but at the same time I feel like I am being a realist, why struggle and hurt for something that just doesn't seem to be in the cards for you..