I still have bad nights..

This weekend was amazingly fun, but everynight after my brother and SIL and their kids went to bed I would find myself crying..

I felt so lonely.. I think I figured out why though.. I haven't cried over him in probably over a month, but we were in a camper.. the only camper I had been in for the past 7 years was with C.. his family's camper, it brought back so many good memories.. I wish I could have wrote this last night.. with all the raw emotions but then again I'm glad I couldn't.. no telling what could have come out.

I am so thankful for my friends that were there for me last night though, they helped me get through it.

Oh and one of them told me that C has his little brother texting him (my friend) asking what was up between me and him because we always seem to be talking on FB.. um wtf does C care? If there was anything going between me and this guy why would it matter? He is the one who left.. he is the one who wanted this to be over.. it pisses me off.. and why is he having his little brother text my friend (C and this guy use to be best friends) why can't he be a man and text him himself? I am so glad that my friend realized what was happening and didn't say anything back to him, there is nothing going on between us, we are just good friends and he has been there for me through soo much these past few months and actually the past few years.

Happiness

I've been told by numerous people this weekend that I am a different person, that I seem happier, more outgoing.. a side of me that many people haven't seen in a loooooooong time. I am happier.. I love my life right now.. Do I get lonely.. yes.. are there days that are harder then others.. yes.. but I have amazing friends and family to help me through this all and I have met some awesome people the past 8 weeks..

It's crazy that it has been 8 weeks since C came home and told me he wanted to be done. I was posting on Not Over about how if I am truthful with myself our marriage was done over a year ago.. he was present for about a month after losing Shiloh and then that was it.. we haven't had a marriage, we were roommates.. with benefits.. If I am truthful with myself we shouldn't have gotten back together after the first time we split up.

I haven't seen C in over 2 weeks.. I haven't talked to him in over a week.. and I find him popping into my head less and less now.. I finally feel free.. I always worried about pissing him off and now I just don't care. I am so ready to sign paperwork and be completely free.. yes he has a spot in my heart.. obviously.. but we will never be back together.. I have gained a whole new respect for myself and for all that I have accomplished.. all the strength I wasn't aware I had.


School is going well. I love my History Class and it is one of the highlights of my week. I can't wait until every Monday night. I am such a history nerd lol. I didn't realize how much I missed school and I can't wait until in a few year that will be my job! To be in school everyday enriching young minds, hopefully encouraging and inspiring kids the way my history teachers did.

I've been slack..

lol not really.. just been staying SUPER busy.. between school, work, helping my mom with my 2 neices' birthday party and home improvements I've just been slammed!

I'm doing ok for anyone looking for an update.. I have my days.. but I make it through it. Today C royally pissed me off and I decided that I can NOT wait to sign those papers.. yes my heart hurts thinking about these past 7 years but I will not be a 2nd option to him anymore.

Apparently I am the reason we split up.. I was too hard to live with.. um yes C.. I pretty much let you do whatever the hell you wanted to do.. I gave you everything you wanted, you never went without.. and I tried my hardest to keep us together.. yet I'm the bad guy.. whatever..

Oh and I'm not happy enough for him that he has found someone else.. well no shit.. I never wanted our relationship to end.. I wanted to work things out.. and NEWSFLASH!!! we were together for 7 years.. we have been apart for a month and a half.. and you are already dating someone else.. yeah I must have been really fucking special and meant so much to you..

I'm just ready for this nightmare to be over and to where I don't have to talk to him anymore..