Hump Day Hotties 5/15/13

These men are smoking today!!

Peter Pan has grown up nicely!! 

Tim is like a fine wine and just keeps getting better with age!

Oh Ryan... Yumm..

Open to Love Again

To say my love life has been one drama filled mess after another is an understatement. And because of that I have been trying to avoid dating and have been shutting that part of my heart off..

To recap my love life real quick..

C- 7 years.. married 2.. cheated on me and got another woman pregnant
S - Got really close.. found out I was divorced.. disappeared..
T - Found out he had 3 girls all by the same name he was talking to...
L - Tried to make me the other woman.. told me that him and his wife were separated..then found out they weren't, that they were splitting up... in 8 months.. and wants me to wait for him.. ummm no I have better things to do with my life than wait for something that will probably never happen.

^ Drama... For some reason I attract these people and have no idea why.. so I shut it out.. no more dating.. no more chasing.. no more anything. I'm tired of the lies from men.. I'm tired of being an option.. I'm just tired of all the bullshit. And this doesn't even count all the guys I've talked to.. these are just the ones that I really did have feelings for in some shape of form that could have gone the distance until I found out what was really going on or in S's case he couldn't handle his own baggage from his parents divorce to realize that my divorce was different than theirs.

Inside I am a hopeless romantic.. I have always been.. but part of me is a realist.. and part of me thinks that those great loves that last forever.. where you are hopelessly in love with your soul mate.. are flukes... a one in a million chance of happening.. of you actually finding someone who makes you wake up with butterflies in your tummy the rest of your life.. who makes you fall more in love with them daily.. who you can settle any fight with giggles and smiles.. I'm not stupid.. I know that these loves have their problems too.. but they are willing to work it out because they genuinely want to be with this person.. they have genuinely found their perfect match.. and I really wonder if there is someone out there like that for everyone.. or like I said.. a fluke.

In all honesty.. I have been preparing myself for being single the rest of my life lately.. I just couldn't picture me being happy again forever with another person.. yeah possibly being a serial dater (which is hard for me to admit because I have never been able to see myself that way until recently) but never fully committing my heart to someone again.. because lets face it.. I've been let down by so many people in my life.. not just in the dating realm but in all aspects of my life.. and the only person that hasn't let me down recently.. is myself.

But despite all that.. I really miss being in love.. I really miss having someone to talk to.. someone there for me.. someone who wants to be with me just as much as I want to be with them..


So on a whim the other night.. and probably because I was ill with L.. I signed up yet again for an online dating website.. with no intention of finding someone.. because most the guys I've met up there.. ugh..

But there has been one that has really really surprised me..

J.. a sweet, southern, country boy (I like country boys.. but have never dated or talked to one.. usually go for the "bad boy" type so this is new) who seems really level headed and down to earth and is just so adorable in every way..

And suddenly.. I feel it again.. that want for something real.. that want for someone..

I haven't quit smiling since we met.. I wait by the phone for his calls or texts.. and I feel myself falling.. and it scares the bejesus out of me.. because this is not me! I am the strong woman who isn't going to let someone pull me in again.. I don't want to get hurt again! But I feel like I need to at least try.. and if I get hurt.. I will bounce back.. it may take me a while.. but lets face it.. I've been through some of the worst things a person can go through in the past 3 years.. and I know there are people out there that have been through worst.. but I mean really.. I've dealt with a lot.. And what if this does turn out to be something wonderful.. what if he does turn out to be my "soul mate" I can't be scared to put myself out there.. I can't be scared to be open to love.. because yeah I may end up single for the rest of my life.. but if that happens.. at the end of my life.. I don't want to be mad at myself for passing up the chance at love.. I don't want to be that girl that everyone pities because she couldn't get past the bad things that happened to her.. I refuse to be that girl.

So I guess I am open to love again.. I am open to falling.. Which means I am open to being crushed again... but I know.. I know that I can make it through whatever is thrown at me now.. I am so much stronger than I ever thought possible.. and I will not lose the game on the fear of striking out..

So I leave you with a song by one of my favorite strong women artist.. because it is absolutely perfect for this topic.. Pink "Try"

Walls

I've honestly never felt so alone as I do right now.. Recently my parents have made it more and more clear that they don't support my dreams.. That they may not even care about me at all.. Lately it feels like I'm more of a afterthought when it comes to their life..

Throw in the fact that as ice said several times.. Most the people I've become closest to are graduating.. No more late nights at the dark room talking and laughing and helping each other get through whatever personal hell we are going through..

I just want to feel loved.. By someone.. Cared about.. Supported.. I come off as this independent chick who keeps it together and yes that is who I am.. But I do have my weak days.. I have the days where I just need to hear I'm loved.. And wanted.. And needed in someone's life.. That my presence makes a difference.. That without me.. Life wouldn't be the same.. Some days I just need a real hug and some kind words.. And I don't get any of that..

And people wonder why I put up walls..This is why.. because recently I've let those walls come down a bit.. And now here I am again.. Hurting so badly.. When I should have kept the walls up..

I've heard I need to get rid of the negative in my life.. How do I do that when they are my own flesh and blood? I keep giving them chances and they keep letting me down.. The people who are suppose to love me unconditionally. The people who are support my dreams even when they seem too big.. But I should have known better.. They never have before.. Why start now..

Last night in the Art Room

This evening has been bittersweet.. tomorrow exams start.. tonight was the last night that the Art Building was open for work.. I am still sitting here typing this waiting for them to kick us out.. and honestly.. I don't want to leave..

We have all been here.. going on 12 hours now.. just working and spending time together.. 

I don't want it to end.. I don't want to say bye to these people I have grown to love and care about.. 

We promise that we will hang out after tonight.. but I am honestly scared that it won't happen.. so I am sitting here.. soaking all in.. knowing good and well that I am going to go home and probably cry myself to sleep..

I haven't had any work to do today since about 2.. but I have continued to sit here the past many hours just to be near them...

They graduate next Monday.. and then they will be out in the world.. working on bigger and better things... bittersweet..

I'm sad for me.. for the girl who has finally come out of her shell and made real friends that she can relate to and can be herself around and laugh fully... only to have those people move on in life.. which happens.. 

I'm so happy for them.. to be moving on.. getting out of this place.. to enter into the world.. to start their careers.. 

I will be supporting them the whole time... 

I will be at the show opening... and I will be in the crowd cheering them on as they walk across that stage and get their diplomas.. they've earned this.. they have made it.. and I can only hope that next year when it is my turn some of them will be sitting in the crowd cheering me on as well... one person especially.. 

I hope we continue our friendships.. some will, others will just become FB friends.. But I will always remember the many nights we spent in Whichard RM 219 laughing our asses off, and falling in love with life and becoming a family...

Transitions

Lately..


Things have been a little different for me.

I have been split into two different categories when it comes to friends

I have the one group who has gotten me through the worst of things after my split with C. My Thursday night group, the ones I spent a lot of time with when I felt down and low and needed a pick me up or someone to talk to. They have been my rocks.

But as I have said before most of them are much older than I am. The youngest of the group other than me is still 10 years older than me, and while I could relate with them all because all of them have been divorced in their life.. they are still not really at the same point as me.

Then there is my other group.. my artist group.. the people I have gotten to know over the past two semesters, the easiest group of friends I have ever made...

They are like minded. Most of them closer to my age, they get my quirkiness.. they get my visions.. they have the same goals in life as me. A few of them have been through a divorce but we don't really talk about that stuff because it isn't really relevant to what our relationship is about..

I can feel like I am being pulled in many ways..

I haven't been to a Thursday night outing in over a month... I haven't seen two of the people from the Thursday night group that I use to see almost daily.. in over 2 weeks.. I just feel like right now I relate more to my Artsy friends.. right now I want to spend almost all my free time with them and honestly I have..

Yes I've had projects due that I've been working on but it's more about the atmosphere with the people that are there that I am in to.

I talked to my therapist at length about it tonight.. she doesn't think this is bad.. she thinks this is a transition for me. One that I've been working on for a while.. and now it's happening..

She believes it's ok for me to move on to a new group of friends.. and like I told her it's not that I don't want to hang with the old group.. it's just I need some things that they can't provide me.. No one understands this life and career I've chosen other than the people that have also made this choice.. and right now I need people in my life that do understand.

She wants me to think about who I am now as a person... and who I am not.. who I was...

So I'm thinking.. I am trying to come up with a list of who I am, who I am not, and who I was...

I will probably be making a blog post about it here in the next few days...

I know one thing though... I haven't been happier than I am right now.

Hump Day Hotties 5/1/13

Yumminess