My heart hurts..

Found out this morning that yet another friend has lost a baby..

Why is this so unfair? Why do we have to hurt so much? How come some people have to go through so much.. only to find heartbreak at the end.

Between these types of things and then shootings of sweet innocent babies at schools I sometimes question my faith and God..

Life shouldn't be like this.. It would be so nice for the lives we dream of to become reality.

Deep sick feeling in my Gut

I don't know what it is.. but everytime I think about being in love again or being with someone long term again I get this sick feeling..

and it takes everything in me not to throw up at the thought of it..

I don't know what it is.. if I've been jaded.. or what.. but I don't like it.

I know a while back I said I was thankful to still believe in love after everything but as time goes on I feel myself losing that belief.. What is love? and is it really something I need in my life?

I'm not talking about the type of love from family.. but the love from another being.. a person that is suppose to be your match.. is it possible that not everyone has a match in life.. that some of us are meant to wander the world alone?

I was recently talking to a guy about this.. He likes me.. he wants to "date" and see where things go.. but I can't for some reason let my guard down to do so. I don't know if it's because I know in my heart that he is not "the one" and don't see the point in wasting time dating someone if I don't see it going somewhere or if it's because of this feeling.. that deep sick feeling..

I don't know if I'm meant to be with anyone.. I am quickly coming to the conclusion that I am meant to be here on earth to show the beauty of it to others.. All I care about recently is my photography.. all I think about is that dream job..

Sure I still see cute babies and my heart aches a little at the thought that I may never have one of my own.. but usually it subsides rather quickly.. I see couples "in love" and I yearn for that... until I see something that would make a gorgeous photo (usually about 2.5 seconds later).

How can I possibly think about being in love someday when just the thought of it makes me feel sick?

I just don't know anymore.. all I know if that it's going to take someone very special and amazing to change that... and I just don't think he's out there.

All Woe is me..

That's exactly what I did in my last post.. and it's unacceptable.

I am not that weak little girl I was so long ago.. Yeah weak moments happen but really?? Reading back over that I sound like such a whiner.. lol

My life is actually pretty good right now.. I admit I'm sad about the end of the semester.. I don't know what I am going to do without being able to go to the dark room (my true happy place) for 3ish weeks.. I may go crazy!  But all in all I am right where I want to be. Yeah the holidays get to me sometimes.. especially at night when I begin to think about a beautiful little almost two year old I should have running around getting into things.. my house isn't very christmasy this year.. just haven't had the time.. Can't help but think that I would make the time for her if she was here.. but what can I do.. I miss my baby.. but I try not to dwell on it.. Life goes on you know?

Speaking of which.. After the last post I talked to my therapist about it.. and I am doing better now alone than I would be with someone (duh!) I don't know if I'm ready to date.. and really don't have the time for it.. and honestly the only time I think about it is on those lonely nights at home.. when I just wish there was someone there to keep me from thinking. But I can do that myself!! I just need to keep busy.

C filed for divorce.. after my failed attempt.. and I am waiting to be served.. the day he filed I called to see if I could pick the papers up.. but aparently I can't... so I wait.. blah.. Hopefully by the end of Jan. Everything will be complete and I will officially be a free and single woman..

Oh speaking of free.. Everyone that has been reading my blog for a while knows that on mine and C's 1st year anniversary as a married couple we went and got each other's initials tattoo'd on our ring fingers.. (I know.. I know..) well as of 3ish weeks ago.. I no longer have a C on my finger.. but a beautiful feather that reminds me of how free I am.. and how free my heart is.. I'm in love with it.. my artist did a great job covering it up and I no longer have a reminder of regrets that stare at me everyday.

Here it is in all it's swollen glory the night I got it..