Deep Random Thoughts

Every now and then I find myself once again dreaming of the future.

I had tried to stop that and live in the present and I've been doing tremendously at it. Lets face it, living for the future hasn't done me much good in the past.

For instance the other day.. I thought about how I will be 24 this year.. seems strange to even say that. Granted it's 10 months away but still. I kinda have felt like time has stopped in some sense and that growing older was one of those things. But unfortunately (and fortunately) it's not and it's a weird concept that I am so close to being 24 when just a few years ago I was saying I wanted to have at least one baby by the time I was 25 and at this rate that will not happen and I'm not even sure if I would want it to anyway.

It's strange that just two years ago I was still making plans for a family with C. Seems so long ago but then again not. Some days it's hard to believe that I've been living without the one person, that I thought I would never be able to, for almost two straight years. And that I can say that I am happier without him. Honestly never thought that would be possible.

Some days I can't see myself with anyone ever again, just because I like who I am now, and I guess I worry a bit that I will somehow lose this person that I am by being in a relationship again. I have days that I can picture myself single and living it up for the rest of my life, not being "burdened" by drama and stupid things that I had to deal with when I was with C.

And I have to tell myself that not every relationship that I will be in is going to be like the one that C and I had. I refuse to have a relationship like that again anyway. And not every man is going to be like C. I guess because he is all I really know it's hard for me to picture because I don't know what it would be like.

I guess where I am now is that I am not planning for the future. I am living in the present. BUT I do hope for the future. I hope that some day I do meet a man that removes all doubt that I can be happy in a relationship, that removes all stereotypes, admitted or not, that I may or may not have for men. I hope that some day I do have a child, one that is made from love, and that knows what it's like to have both parents in utter love with them and each other.

I have hope for the future. I am not planning anything because I may end up alone for the rest of my life. I may never have children. I may never find that man. And I am fairly certain I will survive and be perfectly fine if that does happen.