Photography

My computer was down at work yesterday so I couldn't do hump day hotties.. But I promise to make up for it next Wednesday :)


But anyway.. I've been having a rough time. Well kinda. I can't figure out what's going on with me. I can't sleep.. I'm stressing big time. I'm terrified of the future in so many ways..

It's the end of the semester and that always puts me in hysterics anyway I think because one I have to register for classes again and two that means I won't be doing what I love to do for a while.. I have made it where I will still be in photography for the summer. Just digital.. And I will be taking film 1 again in the spring for more time in the dark room.. Even though I passed that class with flying colors the first time.. I need the darkroom.. It's my happy place and honestly the thought of being without it all summer makes me want to cry.. But I will manage.. Somehow..

This also means I have to start over with meeting people.. Which is fine but still stressful for me.. I love making friends but its not the easiest thing in the world for me. It will be good for me but I still wanna stay in the comforts of my friends I've made this semester and honestly most of them are graduating come May so I might not see them again at all.. Apparently I still have some issues of people leaving me in anyway after C. I'm happy for them and I know they will all achieve great things and their future is starting but still I feel stuck and alone again.. Yes it is all about me.. Haha no really I can't wait til the day I can say I knew them when. Just sucks to get close to people and then life changes but that's how life is right? It moves on and so shall we. I mean I don't plan on being here for the rest of my life either so I don't blame them and hope to be joining them next spring :)

Another thing.. This whole love thing.. I don't think I will ever be in love again.. Straight up honesty there.. I just can't picture it and then today even my SIL made the comment that maybe I should just be single the rest of my life. And I agreed.. I miss being in a relationship. But I think part of that is.. Right now I feel like I'm not really moving forward and I want someone to occupy me while I go through school until I can do what I love.. I hope that makes sense.. I kind of feel that once I do start my career that I won't need someone for a while.. If ever to occupy my heart because photography will fulfill me enough.. I think that sounds horrible but it's true..

Like my therapist says.. Right now photography is the only thing that is giving back to me when the whole rest of the world is taking from me.. And that is so true.. Nothing/no one else makes the effort towards me to show that I'm important as much as I do towards them.. And it's frustrating and lonely and the only time I make up a bit of that emptiness is through photography.. And I feel like it will always be that way..

I don't know if another human being can ever bring to the table what photography for me can.. And that scares me.. But I think part of it has to do with what I've been through.. Every time I put my heart out there I get hurt.. I'm tired of hurting.. I'm tired of lies.. Photography is what it is.. Especially film.. It's so honest.. It's the truth.. So raw and pure and it doesn't lie.. It can bring out emotions with its truth. But you know it's the truth..