If I've learned anything..

If I've learned anything this year (and the previous years) it's that you can't really plan the future. You can have a tentative plan, but more often than not things are not going to go that way.

If things had gone the way I planned from the beginning (i.e. when I moved out of the house and enter "adulthood") things would be so much different for me. If I had gotten pregnant when we decided we were ready to start trying I would have a 3 year old now.. that blows my mind.. I can not imagine myself with a three year old and I wonder if that means we were really ready or not. If it had happened I would have loved it. I would have been a mommy, a very happy one, that child would be my everything. But just to think that could have been my life.. it kind of freaks me out that at this moment I don't know if I would be prepared for a 3 year old, granted I would have worked up to it and had 3 years to prepare.. lol but still. Funny how life works.

If things had gone the way I planned, I would not be going through a divorce at the moment.. While it sucks to be going through a divorce and having all this pain.. I can honestly say that I'm getting to the point where I know it's for the best and I feel good about it. Every once in a while a pang of hurt runs through my heart but I can honestly say that to my surprise I am happy. I miss him, I miss being part of a couple, I miss feeling loved.. but I am happy with where I am, content I guess you can say.

If things had gone the way I planned, my little Shiloh Rose would still be here with me. I'd have a beautiful 14 month old baby girl.. that I would be a single mother to. I would love to have my baby girl here with me. But it scares me that I would have been raising her on my own. I recently watched my 20 month old niece for the day. I loved it, we went shopping, had a lot of fun. I kinda pretending like she was mine for the day.. lol then came the time that I had to get ready for my other niece's birthday party and I panicked.. What do I do with a 20 month old when I'm taking a shower? When I'm the only one at the house.. how do I keep her occupied without her getting hurt? This I imagine is the life of any mother, but a single mother especially. I had to call in reinforcements.. I called my sister in law to see if she could watch her while I took a shower. I thought about if Shi was really here, what would I do? I wouldn't be able to call my sister in law every time I needed a shower.. I know mothers do this all the time and I would have adapted by now, but the fact that I had no one it seemed really scared me. How could I have been a good mother? I wish my baby was here.. but I know I wouldn't have been able to give her the life she so deserved as a single mother.. but then again.. if she had been born maybe I wouldn't have been a single mother, maybe C wouldn't have left, maybe things would have been different.. Maybe we would have been happy together. lol a lot of Maybes

I can't say I don't have regrets, but I do think my life is where it is suppose to be. My life could have been so much different. I planned for it to be different. But alas here I am. A mother to an angel baby and a divorcee.. who is finally figuring out who she really is in the world.. and is actually starting to feel comfortable in her own skin. I always counted on other people (especially C) to make me feel important in this world.. to make me feel special. But I know without them, I am special alone and I can make myself feel that way. I'm a unique person.. sometimes too goofy, sometimes too serious.. but I am me, and I am so glad that I am finally getting to know the REAL me, not the me that everyone else has created. I have always seemed to mold myself to the people around me, that K no longer exists.. being single has brought out the real me, and I've decided that if others don't like the real me.. that is there problem. I'm no longer going to change who I am for someone else. The people that belong in my life.. are the ones who love me for who I really am. It has taken me almost 23 years to figure that out, but I did and I am so glad that I have.