Lack of Sleep and Broken Dreams

I have no idea what has brought all this on.. the past week or so I have been barely getting any sleep and when I do get a few blissful mins they are filled with nightmares..

Last night I fell asleep on the couch for a little while. During that time I had a dream about Shi.. She was about 6 years old.. had green eyes, blonde curls, and chubby little cheeks, she was the perfect blend of me and C, and I could see both of us in her.. I wanted to hold her, touch her and never let her go.. kiss those cheeks and tell her that she was what I loved most in this world. I only had a few mins in the dream because in the dream she was taken away from me, someone had kidnapped her and Casey and I (who were oddly together) were searching everywhere for her, doing everything that we could do to find her. I don't remember ever finding her before I woke up with tears running down my face..

I texted C.. desperate to have some comfort, probably a little delirious still from my dream, praying that she was really in my house somewhere, blissfully sleeping.. but just the fact that I had to text C I knew that it had been a dream, if it hadn't been he would have been there beside me.. to my surprise he actually texted me back and was there for me, there to listen to my tears and to help me get through it all. It all seemed so real.. He told me that he often has dreams of her too like that, where she is around the age of 6 and we were still together. This isn't the first dream I've had about her lately.. but this one was the most vivid and brought the most emotions out.

This is so unfair.. so unfair that everything I ever wanted in the world was taken from me in a split second, it's so unfair that it caused my marriage to break apart.. I sometimes feel completely lost without the two people in my life that I love the most.. I do love C despite everything, despite how he hurts me sometimes, despite the fact that he chose the life he is living now, over the life we had together for so long. I am working on moving past it and I have come a long way, but when I have these dreams and I see what life could have been like it makes me step back sometimes.. I know that one day I will find another man that I love, I will have beautiful children who make my world bright, but I don't think I will go a day without thinking about the family I should have had, a beautiful little girl, a husband that I had loved from just a boy to the man he would ultimately become.They will always be part of my heart and it's so hard to let go of that dream, that plan that I had.