Vacation

I'm on vacation this week and I'm having a difficult time with it. I have way too much time on my hands to think about things and mull over them in my brain.

I haven't talked to C since last Monday when he had his little temper tantrum, even though he did text me this Monday, I didn't answer I thought about everything my therapist had said about it being in my control and I controlled myself to not text him. I still can't stop thinking about it though.. but working on that

S.. I don't freaking know what is going on there.. he like tries to avoid me now it seems and it freaking sucks.. To top it off I think his mom is out of town because he has been by her house multiple times this week to check on it.. sucks knowing he is right next door and that he doesn't want to talk to me.  As I have said before.. I like him.. but I'm not devastated that he isn't talking to me.. it pisses me off truthfully.. he is 31 years old.. he should be more of a man then to do the whole duck and avoid shit.. he should tell me straight up that he isn't interested or whatever his reasoning is.. UGH! Men..

My therapist said something to me the other day that has been resonating with me since our talk.. she told me that I have to mourn my dreams.. and sometimes that is the worst part of it all.. But to me that feels like I'm giving up on them.. and I'm not sure if I want to do that.. I know what she means by that.. she means that I have to realize my little dream of life and family with C is never going to happen (I've realized that and I'm over it), I have to realize that things may not go my way.. that I may not find the man that I'm searching for.. that I may not have the life I dream of... and that is really hard because I want to be married again.. I want to love... I want kids... but what if it doesn't happen for me.. what if it's not in the cards for me. I feel like what she is trying to tell me is not actually giving up my dreams.. but realizing that it may not happen the way I want it to... or as quickly as I want it to...

I try to put it all in God's hands.. I'm trying so hard to do so.. I just sometimes get so lonely.. like this week.. I've spent time with my mom and dad mostly.. which there is nothing wrong with that.. but I feel like I'm going back into my hole that I was when C left.. I feel like I don't have anyone to rely on that I can go hang out with every once in a while to get out of the house.. I feel like I'm becoming a recluse again and I freaking hate that.. I just don't know how to go out by myself to the bar or whatever and meet someone.. I know one thing though... once I start back school I'm going to make a point of getting to know more people.. I'm going to make it a point to go work on essays at Barnes and Noble or Starbucks.. out there to possibly meet someone.. out there just to get out of the house and around people.. I'm going to be a normal college student.. I need to do this.. I have to do this.. I have to get myself out there.. stop being scared of the future, stop being scared of something wonderful happening..