Highs and Lows

I talked to my therapist about everything that has been going on last night.

She sat there and listened to me.. told me she was amazed at my strength.. told me she could tell I was thinking clearly which was good. But she also told me that I will have highs and lows..

I told her I was so confused about my emotions that I didn't know whether I was happy, sad, or angry.. because at all times I feel a little bit of all of those.

She told me that was normal, and the fact that I could walk in there and say I was happy I was done with C, but sad that someone else got my dream (no matter how shitty of a deal she got with it... although she chose this) tells her that I am actually handling it pretty well, especially only 7 days out from knowing... she also said this shows just how far in the healing process I already was even if I didn't think so.

We talked about not only C's betrayal, but his GF's betrayal to me too because even though she wasn't like my best friend ever. We were friends.. she had stayed at my house numerous times with my XBIL and we had done things together..

We talked about maybe she thought it was a way to keep him.. that she planned this.. she gave him the one thing I had so much trouble giving him.. and we talked about compared to Shiloh.. from what I hear he isn't as connected to this baby.. I feel sorry for the baby.. Like any child who is curious about their parent's past, she is going to figure out one day that her daddy was still married to another woman when her mother had her.. She is going to feel unwanted.. and ultimately I believe her mom will be a single mom anyway..

C didn't want kids yet.. he wanted to wait 6 years.. that caused one of the biggest fights between us.. and ultimately that was one of the big reasons we broke up..

But anytime I had mentioned Shiloh to him he teared up.. told me how much he missed her.. went and got a tattoo for her.. told me he thinks about her daily.. and he even remembers her birthday and the day we lost her.. he was very connected to our child.. I really hope that now that he has another.. even if he isn't connected to her the way he was with Shiloh.. that he doesn't forget my baby and pretend she never happened..

I told my therapist last night that I sometimes felt it was partially my fault due to me losing Shiloh.. that if she had been here he wouldn't have run around, and that I KNOW that is inaccurate. She told me to just keep telling myself that, that he made his own choices.. That it had nothing to do with anything I did or didn't do. Just needed to hear that reassurance..


I had a lot of trouble sleeping last night.. I really don't know why.. I had a bad headache and tossed and turned for about 3 hrs before taking a sleeping pill.. even then I couldn't fall asleep until I went and laid on the couch.. It wasn't that I was dreaming about him (I have become very good at pushing him out of my head) but I was just restless.. I guess a lot of it was I wanted someone there to comfort me.. and I knew no one was.. I knew I had to do it myself. I'm use to it by now but every once in a while I do miss having someone..

I'm not trying to find anyone right now.. I've given that up.. just trying to work on myself.. to heal myself.. to know myself.. Through all this that is one of the things I can be thankful for.. it caused me to stop and think.. do I really want to try to find a relationship right now when I know I am going to have trust issues from the get go? I really need to work on those and I am.

I went out with friends after my therapy session and there was this cute guy that kept staring at me and smiling.. then I saw him flirting with the waitresses.. and I thought to myself.. there really are no decent guys out there is there.. That is the thinking that I have to fix.. obviously look out for those types of jerks.. but I can't put every guy into that category right away..

So here's to me.. to living the single life.. to embracing the highs and lows that are bound to come.. to figuring out who I am, to learning to love myself.. before I add a man into the mix.