Letting Go of the C that was..

After having a couple breakdowns this week.. I talked to a few friends about what I should do next in life.. One friend in particular gave me some tough love and told me that deep in my heart I hope things will work out with C..

The hardest part of hearing that is to realize she is right.. I do wish C and I could work it out... but looking deep inside myself I also realize that it is not the C that I know now that I want.. It's the C of the past.. that sweet boy I met out on a T-ball field at only 6.. that sweet boy with the squeaky voice that I first kissed on the 4 wheeler in the woods.. that sweet boy that told me he would always love me and would do anything to make me happy.. the boy that could make me laugh like no other, and make my heart flutter like it was full of butterflies.. The boy that grew into the man that I wanted to marry..

But he's not that man anymore.. now he is a manipulative person who knows exactly what buttons to push to make me believe that for a second he could be the boy I fell in love with again..

After talking to my therapist about it last night I feel so much better.. We discussed out C isn't that person anymore.. about how he probably will never be that person again and that even if he was, there has been enough hurt and untrust between us that I wouldn't be able to get past to be with him again, happily as I was before.

She told me it was ok to mourn the "loss" of the old C.. she told me that just because he is gone doesn't mean there isn't someone out there that could make me feel that way again (which I truthfully think that is a huge reason I haven't been able to let go.. worried no one could make me feel the way he use to be able to again). She gave me some strategies to help work on letting go and I'm going to put them into use.

Also told me that making myself a hermit (let's face it.. I do that way too much) is not good for me. It gives me too much time to think (like this week) and bring back all these old memories. She told me I needed to keep myself busy and that is what I'm going to do. I'm going to try to get myself out there and get to know more people. Get myself out there and experience new things.