Alone..

Sometimes I feel so alone.. other times I enjoy the quietness..

Right now is one of those times where the quiet haunts me.. where I think about things.. and it gets to me..

I think about how my life was two years ago and it seems like an eternity ago.. but also seems like just yesterday..

I saw C today.. unfortunately.. he kinda crept up on me.. I wasn't expecting to run into him.. I didn't speak to him.. but just seeing him was enough to bring up emotions.. not of love or anything like that.. but emotions that I don't like.. I'm angry.. still so angry and I thought I had worked my way through them..

I wish I had someone that could tied over those feelings.. make them go away and I only have myself.. which truthfully is the best thing for me.. but right now it hurts to know I have no one to turn to to make me forget.. to remind me of the beautiful happy person I have become.. to remind me that those feelings don't belong in my world.. to remind me just to let them go.. sometimes I get so caught up in them that it eats me from the inside and I don't need to let myself do that.

I honestly don't know what I want.. I have guys that want to be with me.. but I can't commit myself to any of them.. I honestly don't think I believe in love at the moment and that I am better off alone.. I admit I'm scared of loving again.. I'm scared of getting hurt again..

I want to be with someone.. but then again I don't.. I only want it if it's that can't eat, can't sleep, kinda thing that you feel instantly and what if that doesn't exist?

So yeah even a year and a half out I still have feelings creep up on me.. and it really sucks..