The biggest dream for my life at the moment is the travel.. to have my photography recognized.. to make something out of this second chance at life that I have.
It's funny that this blog started off because of a dream.. a dream for a child.. and lately more and more I am a bit thankful that I didn't have a child with C... and then the guilt kicks in. Don't get me wrong.. I would love nothing more then to be bouncing Shiloh on my knee right now instead of writing this post, but in a way I am thankful that she is content and happy in the arms of God than here having to deal with two parents who don't talk, one a pathological liar and the other trying to move past the demons that haunt her due to the lies. I am so thankful she doesn't have to deal with that. I don't know if that makes me a good angel mommy or a bad angel mommy...
Part of the reason I think it makes me a bad angel mommy is because part of it is selfish.. I wouldn't be able to figure out who I am.. I don't know if I would have made it this far had I another person to worry about other than myself.. part of it is I am glad that I am free to come and go as I please.. part of it is when I do start to try and date... I am glad I don't have to worry about a man being scared off by a child I had with another man. Of course if she was here and a guy had a problem she would always come first.. but selfishly I am somewhat glad that I can date guilt free.
I love Shiloh with all my heart. She was the only good thing that C ever did in my eyes. And not a day will ever go by that I don't think of her and wish to hold her, to sing to her, but what is between me and C... no child should have to be stuck in the middle of that and in a way I feel that God saved her from that nightmare, somewhat a blessing in disguise...
I am sure I will get some bad feedback on those words I just said... but it's how I feel.. And I don't sugar coat anything these days
Back to my dreams... I am trying to figure out how I can make my dream a reality.. I realize what it may cost me though and sometimes I wonder if I am ok with that.. If I pursue this dream I will be traveling quite a bit if it goes how I want it to. I will basically become a nomad of sorts and only be home for spurts of time.. for now that is fine, I am alone anyway, nothing to hold me down other than my dogs... but one day I do hope to be married again... I do still want children somewhere down the road.. but lets say I do make this dream happen... will I be willing to give up my dream job for a family... would I be willing to give up a family for my dream job? The answer is I don't know for either one of them.. I don't know if I can give up the dream of either of those for the other.. Right now the job seems like the logical answer to me because I will see the world. I will do what I've always wanted to do. I will make art and hopefully make a difference in some one's life... but I could meet Mr. Right tomorrow... and it can all change... I promised myself though when me and C split up that I wouldn't ever let another guy keep me from my dreams, I wouldn't give up something I wanted so desperately just to make a man happy and I don't plan to do that.
I guess right now I am a crossroads... I guess because right now I can't envision life with a family.. I don't see myself in another long term relationship.. I don't see myself being able to have kids... I tried for almost 3 years with C and got pregnant once on a fluke it seems.. obviously he wasn't the problem since he has a baby now with another woman... obviously it was me.. and truthfully I am terrified of even trying again one day... can I take losing another baby? Can I take the years of heartbreak again? Can I take another man leaving if I can't get pregnant (because even though I doubt that is why C left, it is always a factor in my head)?
I don't know what my future holds... and frankly I don't know what way I want it to go at the moment... All I know right now is that I am the happiest when I am behind a camera... I am the happiest when I discover new land to photograph... I am the happiest when I think about the places I could go...
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