Last night in the Art Room

This evening has been bittersweet.. tomorrow exams start.. tonight was the last night that the Art Building was open for work.. I am still sitting here typing this waiting for them to kick us out.. and honestly.. I don't want to leave..

We have all been here.. going on 12 hours now.. just working and spending time together.. 

I don't want it to end.. I don't want to say bye to these people I have grown to love and care about.. 

We promise that we will hang out after tonight.. but I am honestly scared that it won't happen.. so I am sitting here.. soaking all in.. knowing good and well that I am going to go home and probably cry myself to sleep..

I haven't had any work to do today since about 2.. but I have continued to sit here the past many hours just to be near them...

They graduate next Monday.. and then they will be out in the world.. working on bigger and better things... bittersweet..

I'm sad for me.. for the girl who has finally come out of her shell and made real friends that she can relate to and can be herself around and laugh fully... only to have those people move on in life.. which happens.. 

I'm so happy for them.. to be moving on.. getting out of this place.. to enter into the world.. to start their careers.. 

I will be supporting them the whole time... 

I will be at the show opening... and I will be in the crowd cheering them on as they walk across that stage and get their diplomas.. they've earned this.. they have made it.. and I can only hope that next year when it is my turn some of them will be sitting in the crowd cheering me on as well... one person especially.. 

I hope we continue our friendships.. some will, others will just become FB friends.. But I will always remember the many nights we spent in Whichard RM 219 laughing our asses off, and falling in love with life and becoming a family...

Transitions

Lately..


Things have been a little different for me.

I have been split into two different categories when it comes to friends

I have the one group who has gotten me through the worst of things after my split with C. My Thursday night group, the ones I spent a lot of time with when I felt down and low and needed a pick me up or someone to talk to. They have been my rocks.

But as I have said before most of them are much older than I am. The youngest of the group other than me is still 10 years older than me, and while I could relate with them all because all of them have been divorced in their life.. they are still not really at the same point as me.

Then there is my other group.. my artist group.. the people I have gotten to know over the past two semesters, the easiest group of friends I have ever made...

They are like minded. Most of them closer to my age, they get my quirkiness.. they get my visions.. they have the same goals in life as me. A few of them have been through a divorce but we don't really talk about that stuff because it isn't really relevant to what our relationship is about..

I can feel like I am being pulled in many ways..

I haven't been to a Thursday night outing in over a month... I haven't seen two of the people from the Thursday night group that I use to see almost daily.. in over 2 weeks.. I just feel like right now I relate more to my Artsy friends.. right now I want to spend almost all my free time with them and honestly I have..

Yes I've had projects due that I've been working on but it's more about the atmosphere with the people that are there that I am in to.

I talked to my therapist at length about it tonight.. she doesn't think this is bad.. she thinks this is a transition for me. One that I've been working on for a while.. and now it's happening..

She believes it's ok for me to move on to a new group of friends.. and like I told her it's not that I don't want to hang with the old group.. it's just I need some things that they can't provide me.. No one understands this life and career I've chosen other than the people that have also made this choice.. and right now I need people in my life that do understand.

She wants me to think about who I am now as a person... and who I am not.. who I was...

So I'm thinking.. I am trying to come up with a list of who I am, who I am not, and who I was...

I will probably be making a blog post about it here in the next few days...

I know one thing though... I haven't been happier than I am right now.

Hump Day Hotties 5/1/13

Yumminess

Tempe, AZ or San Diego, CA

These are my two choices.. and I don't know how to choose. Both of these places have amazing Masters of Fine Arts in Photography programs.. both are in the top 10.. one of them will be my home for at least a few years here in the next 3 years..

I know I am starting early.. but I am so excited about my future.. I am so excited about leaving this place.. I am so excited period... but I am also terrified.. never have I had a dream this big.. never have I chased a dream this big..

What if.. it doesn't.. work...

What if I don't get in.. what if it is all for nothing..

I have to do this.. I tell myself I don't live by what ifs anymore in any other aspect of my life.. why do it here?

I will get in to both these schools.. and I will have to choose which one is the best fit for me...

The plan in the next 3 years until I get to that point...

Work hard.. dedication is key..

And travel to both these places at least once to see what they are about.. and decide which one fits me the best.

And if anyone reading this has an input on either one of these places.. please comment :)

Photography

My computer was down at work yesterday so I couldn't do hump day hotties.. But I promise to make up for it next Wednesday :)


But anyway.. I've been having a rough time. Well kinda. I can't figure out what's going on with me. I can't sleep.. I'm stressing big time. I'm terrified of the future in so many ways..

It's the end of the semester and that always puts me in hysterics anyway I think because one I have to register for classes again and two that means I won't be doing what I love to do for a while.. I have made it where I will still be in photography for the summer. Just digital.. And I will be taking film 1 again in the spring for more time in the dark room.. Even though I passed that class with flying colors the first time.. I need the darkroom.. It's my happy place and honestly the thought of being without it all summer makes me want to cry.. But I will manage.. Somehow..

This also means I have to start over with meeting people.. Which is fine but still stressful for me.. I love making friends but its not the easiest thing in the world for me. It will be good for me but I still wanna stay in the comforts of my friends I've made this semester and honestly most of them are graduating come May so I might not see them again at all.. Apparently I still have some issues of people leaving me in anyway after C. I'm happy for them and I know they will all achieve great things and their future is starting but still I feel stuck and alone again.. Yes it is all about me.. Haha no really I can't wait til the day I can say I knew them when. Just sucks to get close to people and then life changes but that's how life is right? It moves on and so shall we. I mean I don't plan on being here for the rest of my life either so I don't blame them and hope to be joining them next spring :)

Another thing.. This whole love thing.. I don't think I will ever be in love again.. Straight up honesty there.. I just can't picture it and then today even my SIL made the comment that maybe I should just be single the rest of my life. And I agreed.. I miss being in a relationship. But I think part of that is.. Right now I feel like I'm not really moving forward and I want someone to occupy me while I go through school until I can do what I love.. I hope that makes sense.. I kind of feel that once I do start my career that I won't need someone for a while.. If ever to occupy my heart because photography will fulfill me enough.. I think that sounds horrible but it's true..

Like my therapist says.. Right now photography is the only thing that is giving back to me when the whole rest of the world is taking from me.. And that is so true.. Nothing/no one else makes the effort towards me to show that I'm important as much as I do towards them.. And it's frustrating and lonely and the only time I make up a bit of that emptiness is through photography.. And I feel like it will always be that way..

I don't know if another human being can ever bring to the table what photography for me can.. And that scares me.. But I think part of it has to do with what I've been through.. Every time I put my heart out there I get hurt.. I'm tired of hurting.. I'm tired of lies.. Photography is what it is.. Especially film.. It's so honest.. It's the truth.. So raw and pure and it doesn't lie.. It can bring out emotions with its truth. But you know it's the truth..

Sums it up perfectly for the evening..

Hump Day Hotties 4/17/13

It's that glorious day again :) hump day hottie time!!

That awkward moment..

When you start to gain feelings for someone that you really shouldn't...
But then I ran across this and realized how crazy true it is. People can be meant to be together in many different ways.. I had never really thought of it this way but I will be beginning to. I have friends like this.. that I believe we're meant to be in my life somehow and honestly I am ok with these people just being in my life how ever they were meant to be, even if that means just friends.

This weekend..

This weekend sucked.. it started Friday and just got worse..

I was super emotional this weekend (damn hormones and PMS.. always comes at the most unopportune times) add that to drinks and instead of the usual happy fun drinking K you get the depressed one..

So Saturday, I found out C got married.. and like I said in the post before this one.. I honestly hope this is it for him and that he found his happiness.. Not going to lie though.. When I first found out.. I was pissed... I was so angry that here were these two people who royally screwed me over and they were getting thier "happiness" they were getting what I always wanted.. but then I got over it.. because you know what.. she doesn't know half the shit he has done since they've been together that I do.. she doesn't know that he cheated on her with not only me.. but more than likely other women.. she is the stupid one, he cheated on me for her.. what the hell makes her think that he wouldn't do it to her.. and with that I get the "revenge" that I craved.. because Karma is a bitch.

Then last night... I come home from the bar and S is at his mom's house.. awesome.. that kind of sent me into a tailspin for about 3.5 seconds and then I thought.. well it's his loss, he could have had me.. he is the one who screwed up.. so from here on out, neither of these two guys will have any control over my heart or feelings or anything.. because both of them are the ones that messed up.. both of them at some point have realized that they screwed me over and that they may possibly want me back.. and both of them have been shot down... and in that.. there is some comfort to me, that I know I will not let another man ever treat me the way I've been treated in the past.. I will never let another man make me feel that way..

I am the strongest I have ever been, and I will continue to grow stronger.. and one day there will be a man that comes along that is worth everything that I have to offer. I just know it.

Well C got married today

I'm ok..

Did sting a little knowing that his mother tagged a random friend so that I would see it..

But honestly I'm ok an I'm happy for them. I really hope he finds happiness and that this is it for him.