Vulnerable

Since everything happened between C and I, I have had a problem opening up to people, to being vulnerable.

It is a defense mechanism.. when someone or something hurts you that much you try to avoid that hurt again at all cost, even if it means completely shutting people out..

I did that for such a long time, and I admit that I still do that..

That is why the relationship I am in scares the hell out of me, as well as makes me the happiest I have ever been..

The walls completely came down, within a few hours of him and I talking... never before had I felt so safe.. so comfortable with someone.. never before had I given that much of myself emotionally and mentally to someone that quickly.. even with C it took months for him to break that barrier.

But with this man.. I can be myself.. I can show all parts of myself.. even my vulnerable sides.. and I know that he won't take advantage of them.. and he will love me no matter what.

I had a mini freak out last night thinking about how much of myself I have already shown him and given him.. how much of myself I have already put into this and he held me.. calmed me down, and straight talked to me telling me how it was, how he felt and honestly that's what I needed. I needed his rationality, I need him to be straight forward, not to sugar coat.. it amazes me that he knows how to handle that side of me.. no one has ever been able to, everyone has always tried to coddle me when I was being that way. And sometimes that works, but most the time I just need to be sat down and set straight.

This is totally new territory for me and I am loving it.