So much for writing atleast once a week

Some days I don't know if I'm coming or going.. I don't know if I'm still breathing.. still making it, or if I'm doing great and nothing is wrong..

C and I got into a fight earlier this week and pretty much told each other that we don't need each other in our lives.. so far I'm doing ok about it. I find myself driving by his work to make sure he is there though because I worry.. if he is there every morning that means he is ok. Judge me if you must but at least I'm not talking to him. He said some pretty hurtful things to me, brought up my mistakes of the past.. No I wasn't perfect.. but compared to the things he did to me.. I was pretty tame.. and I would give anything to go back and take back the few mistakes I did make. So for now.. he won't hear from me. I can't do this anymore.. I need to heal.. to step away from him.. to try and move on.. not just try.. actually move on. Someone out there is perfect for me, someone out there can treat me the way I deserve to be treated. I keep telling myself that, and truthfully I believe it most the time.. most the time I can go about my day without thinking about C at all. But every once in a while he will pop into my mind.. and I will get that familiar pang of heartache that sometimes takes me to my knees..

Last night I had a dream about him.. I dreamed I was at his work picking something up.. and that he came up behind me and wrapped his arms around my waist like he use to do. He was crying... telling me he had made a mistake and put his head on my shoulder and buried his face into my neck.. I remember pulling away from him, angry that all of a sudden he realized this.. all of a sudden he wanted to apologize for all that he had done.. all of a sudden he felt this remorse, of losing me.. I remember being so strong in this dream and saying the things I needed to say all while he sat there in tears, begging me to forgive him.. Finally I had finished what I had to say and just looked at him.. asked him why I should forgive him.. he began to explain how he was feeling.. and about the time the familiar feeling of forgiving him and feeling sorry for him, he dropped the bomb on me.. his gf was pregnant.. but he didn't want to be with her, he wanted to be with me again but he knew he had messed up.. I remember the pain.. the pain in my heart upon hearing those words.. I woke up from the pain.. in tears.. I felt like my heart was being ripped from my chest.. why, why did she get to have his baby when it was all I had ever wanted since we got together.. and then home wrecker gets him.. I guess that is one of my biggest fears in all this.. When I finally fell back asleep I fell back into the dream.. this time I had composed myself.. and told him that I didn't want to hear from him.. I didn't want to see him, that I couldn't stand the pain anymore and that is was time for me to take care of me. I wished him well and walked out to my car..

That's all I remember from it.. but I feel like that was a true turning point in my mind, in my heart.. I feel like that dream was telling me all that I needed to know.. It's so hard to let go.. but so necessary.. He will always be part of my heart.. he will always be my angel's daddy.. he will always be my first love.. but I CAN NOT let him control my life and how I feel anymore.. I can't put my happiness on him.. he is manipulative.. he wants to keep me under his thumb.. and I deserve so much more..

The past few days I've struggled. I haven't talked to him since Monday.. I don't plan to talk to him.. I know I've said it many times.. but I really need to think about myself..

Tomorrow I go to my first 20Something Church Meeting.. I hope I make some amazing new friends.. and who knows maybe I will even meet a guy.. a guy that can change my whole perspective on love.. cause truth be told.. right now I don't really believe in love.. guess that just comes with the territory of having your heart broken and ripped out numerous times.. I don't know what my future holds.. but I hope to one day find someone to love.. someone to love me.. I hope to be re-married some day.. have a few babies.. and live out the rest of my life in bliss..

Today on TTCAL we were talking about plans.. I have made so many plans for my life.. and the past 2 years.. none of them have panned out.. nothing has gone my way.. so for now.. I am going to try the best I can to relinquish control.. and just go with the flow.. let whatever happens.. happen..